Making contact with family

Crumpet

Some of you may know that my parents and whole family do not have any contact with me, apart from my dad who has provided his mobile number for "family business/emergencies". I never try to contact them anymore after a negative experience after being beaten up trying to break up a streetfight last November when I called my Dad and he hung up as soon as he realised it was me crying on the other end.

Anyway - I decided that just because they want to forget about me I don't have to be the same anymore and I wanted them to know how happy I was. But also I realise I have fitted the pattern they expect of unhappy depressed exJW whenever I have had contact, which has only been through text messages and my odd phone call, which invariably is terminated the other end when they know it is me.

So on my birthday, last Tuesday, I bit the bullet and sent a text to me dad, which read like this:

"Dad and Mum, thank you for bringing me into this world 30 years ago today. I am so hapy,genuinely. I miss you everyday, especially today, but I have found joy and satisfaction. I love you and any time you would be wiling to talk to me I am here with open arms, heart and with hugs for you. Thank you, your Nina xxx".

What do you think? Was it the right thing to do, given I know they don't celebrate birthdays and neither did I until the last few years? But I know they have to remember the day of the birth of their oldest child, patyicularly when it comes so close to the memorial! Of course a week on there has been no response and I don;t expect ne. Has anyone else tried contacting their loved ones who shunned them and ever had a positive response or otherwise?

diamondblue1974

Nina I've always thought your parents shunning of you to be so extreme even by JW standards, the fact that you leave the door open for them even in spite of this is remarkable and a credit to you. Lets hope one day they will have a change of heart.

Definately the right thing, the secret is to be not too downhearted if they dont reply in the manner you would like them to.

DB

clementine

such situations are difficult to live... but you're right trying to have contact with them. it makes them know you love them (and maybe someday, they will compare you real love to the "love" they are supposed to live in their congregation), and it makes them know you will ever be there for them. and if one day they have doubts, they will need someone like you, who had never judged them, but always loved them...

tijkmo

way to go...nina...this will become an issue for me again in the future i think...so i will tell my fam that i understand that they will not want to see me but that isnt my decision and that i will keep in touch with them from time to time

Crumpet

Thank you diamond blue - I didn't think my circumstances extreme though, although anyone who knew my parents would say they were hardline but they are only following prescriptive rule, but I do sense not all parents, even those who are elders are not always quite so strict if they can get away with it.

clementine

if one day they have doubts, they will need someone like you, who had never judged them, but always loved them...

that is exactly my hope and intention in sending that message. I hope also that it would somehow get to my sisters although I suspect my dad would not have told my mum, let alone my sisters.

And tijkmo - well done - I hoped that was your intention following on from your post re the elders visit! Its very easy to think that we have to hide and feel ashamed, but I don't feel ashamed at all now. I'm not perfect and I have broken lots of rules (see my new biography) but I don't think they were wrong in the sense of hurting someone else. It was part of my learning experience. And the best thing I can do is not ring them when I am drunk and unhappy, that only confirms to them they are doing the right thing. I must be soooo slow that it has taken me this long to reach this point. I feel pretty chuffed with myself though!

I sent their anniversary card today too as their wedding anniversary is this week - I resisted (just!) commenting that I now celebrate all joyful human events that mark an achievement, whether it be reaching another year of life or reaching another year of marriage. But the card already had a message pre-printed which I hope they think on. It said along the lines of "I hope you spend another celebration surrounded by friends and family" and I'm sure they'll remember all the very happy anniversaries, which our family spent like birthdays and christmas - my parents gave us presents and we all gave each other presents and had our favourite meals together.

And do you know what I was just thinking maybe birthdays were celebrated back into pagan times because human mortality was so short compared to today. It WAS an achievement to make it into your 30's!

Check_Your_Premises

Hey Nina.

I guess the best thing I can tell you about your family is to not take their shunning personally. Their authentic personalities love and miss you I am sure. Unfortunately they are being manipulated and controlled to behave and think a certain way.

It is what I do with my wife. I try not to take it personally. It is awfully hard.

Have you ever given any thought to trying to help some of them leave?

lisavegas420

What a great idea...hmmm...it's been years since I've spoken to my parents. My dad said I was dead to him.

My daugher has 3 children that my parents haven't met. Maybe I'll send a letter and some pictures. But I think I will be hurt if I don't get a response.

Let us know if they get in contact with you.

Lisa

love2Bworldly

Crumpet--I think it's awesome your response to their extremely hurtful behavior. I have 3 kids, and I could never turn my back on them ever. I love them too much. I spend some of my time teaching my kids to never become JW's because the thought of them not speaking to me really tears me up.

Crumpet

CYP - thank you for your pm also which I will answer from a speedier connection at work.

It is what I do with my wife. I try not to take it personally. It is awfully hard. Have you ever given any thought to trying to help some of them leave?

I really feel for you - you are new to this situation and in the unique situ of trying to get new initiates out. You are the opposite dimension to me, but that has definitely grabbed my interest. I remember just how many youngish mothers (many of which if not all were in the armed forces and very lonely) became bible studies of my mother, when i was a little girl. Most of them became baptised JWs despite objections fronm their husbands.

As for trying to help hem to leave, my parents and sisters, who are all that is left of my family really. My grandparents both died without me being able to talk to them,. I have posted on another board a defence of why I won't or can't do more. But if I were to rescue my parents it would be like taking life away from them. They have no outside friends, no home, no pension, no life insurance - they have lived expecting the new order to negate the need for any of these things. They really didnt expect me to make my 13th birthday without it beginning. I can show this with a small example.#

When I was 9 they asked all the girls at school (when I was still allowed to attend) to have a rubella jab - this would protect us from contracting German Measles whilst pregnant if we had not already had it and most of us in my class hadn't. I didn't go to school that day, I spent the day preaching because my parents were quite sure I would never reach an age where I would be able to get pregnant beforet he new system arrived. Well I have now been of an age to be pregnant for 17 years. If I were to I would have to be very careful not to be near a child who had not been vaccinated. My parents REALLY believed the close proximity of Amrageddon and still do. That was after my father, not a pre generation witness, had been baptised for 11 years. Now he has been their all my life plus 2 or 3 years. If they were persuaded to leave both having ocupied self employed cleaning jobs all the of the last 3 decades I think they would die.

So yes I would like to help but am not sure how I can. This was my first message to help them, to show them I can and am happy now I am released, but it has taken all my life to get this far.

Really appreciate evryones comments so much, I cannot say.

love11

Wow! How did someone as forgiving and loving as you, come out of those people?!!

Happy Birthday Don't let them make you feel bad about being happy that you were born.

If it's true what they say, judge how you want to be judged, than they are due for some bad karma. Stay away from those people. Even though I love my family very much, I had to let them go and find my own way in life. The most freeing feeling has been realizing that it is not me who has done anything wrong, but rather them. There is only so much you can do to mend things and then you have to stop, because they will treat you like a doormat if you don't get away from that rejection. Being proud of the type of person I have turned out to be has melted all of their evil viewpoints of who they thought I was. Hopefully you can find peace soon in knowing that you have done your best and if they don't appreciate their child for who she is, than they are the ones missing out on a happy family life. Alot of people on here told me that adopted family is the best kind of family. That is already proving true!!

Making contact with family

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