OK to Check In?

by troubled 20 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  troubled

  Hi Everyone,

  I just felt the need to check in. I don't know why. I've just felt so touched at the heart by those of you who responded with such loving interest yesterday. (You, who don't even know me.) And the invisible hugs, well, I felt them. I really did!

  Anyway, I found out today my doctor wants to switch my antidepressant medication from Zoloft to Effexor. I'm kinda wondering if anyone out there has taken it? And if it helped? I know it's fairly new; only approved by the FDA since 1997.

  Realistically, I know no antidepressant is going to take away my problems, answer all my questions, or put the blinder back over my eyes as far as "seeing reality." But maybe with the right medication, I can face reality without being overwhelmed, my doubts without guilt, my dreams without fear. I know I can't go through life being so darn sensitive. Feeling emotions TOO MUCH. Y'know, I EXHAUST myself. And maybe those around me.

  I'm hoping the right medication can help me keep my emotional balance while I'm dealing with the inconsistencies and discrepancies I'm seeing in the organization. I just want to be able to figure out how to best handle this new awareness without going off the deep end, feeling betrayed or abandoned, or getting overwhelmingly confused by so many differing viewpoints.

  I have this awful feeling I sound like a Polyanna (pansyass). I don't mean to. The truth is, I've been living in "Candyland" for a very long time (over 30 years). Not just with the organization, but with LIFE IN GENERAL. Sometimes, it seems my life has been one big dream that I've only just awakened from. Like being reborn in midlife and waking up to a big, wide world that I don't understand, and with so many contrasting beliefs, I can't take them in, sort them out, etc. Like SENSORY OVERLOAD!

  I try really hard to be responsible and act like an adult. But sometimes I feel that inside this 37-year-old woman's body is a small, scared child. And while I need to be grown up, responsible, and wise, sometimes all I want is for someone to love me and keep me safe. Someone or something that can keep me in a safe, warm, cocoon and never let anything bad happen to me ever again. I know that's normal for a child. Not so normal for a grown woman. But it's true.

  I realize now I've looked to others to be my hope, my wise counselor, my guru. Maybe I've looked to the organization to be that for me. To my husband. Maybe even to you. And yet I know it isn't your job to fix my life. Only I can do it. But the task is like a mountain. Like a gigantic mountain, and I am wearing only sandals, and not cleats.

  I guess what I'm asking is: Will you stay there with me while I sort things out? (Reading my postings and responding?) And if I sound like a scared kid, please try to understand.

  Even if I'm self-absorbed right now, with my own problems, I love each one of you who has responded. I love you already because you cared enough to reach beyond yourself. Maybe someday, I can do the same for you.

  Thank You
• 

  jayhawk1

  Hi troubled, welcome back and you are loved. ((((((((troubled))))))))
• 

  larc

  troubled,

  Of course, we will be here for you. Write any time of the day or night about anything and someone will be here with a good thought. When most of us in the US are asleep, people from Australia are here, so you will be getting words of encouragement from around the world.

  Others have helped us and when you feel better, I am sure that you will be a great help to others as well.

  God bless you.
• 

  outnfree

  Gee, troubled, I didn't even get to read yesterday's post (I WANTED to, I just kept getting kicked off last night! ) but now I will go read that, too.

  But not before (((((((((((troubled)))))))))))).

  I have almost 10 years on you, but I, too, feel like I've woken up to a big mid-life realization that I have to be responsible for me. Not the Society, not my husband (either!), just me, responsible for working out my own happiness.

  Since I left the Borg, I feel like my awareness of phoniness and insincerity and irrational opinions is in overdrive -- I call it my heightened bullshit meter! It's a bit scary, but also exhiliarating!

  Please do keep checking in. I'm here frequently. Too frequently, probably. larc is right, someone is here most all the time and we will be your sounding board as you work your way out of the confusion and depair.

  Love,
  outnfree
• 

  Francois

  Troubled, I know it sounds unlikely at your age, but it is possible that you are going through a mid-life crisis. These types of crises can be brought on by a paradigm shift in the philosophical basis of life. And I believe that's what you're experiencing. And you're describing it as well. It's always a shock to discover that you've been lied to, betrayed, by a trusted friend. It can really knock you off your blocks.

  I'm familiar with Effexor and it can be of immeasureable benefit if you are patient and get your dosage adjusted properly, and that make take a few weeks. But if you give it time, it should help you get a grip. Just remember, when it's time to get off, you must taper off over a very long time. Don't let your doctor just jerk you off in a few weeks. Take it easy.

  I also think it would do you lots of good to learn as much as you can about mass movements, about cults in particular and learn what types of personalities tend to join, and the characteristics of the cult itself. You can do this by reading Eric Hoffer's "The True Believer" which is a slim little book but packed with valuable facts and insights. Armed with the facts, you will be better able to sort out fact from fiction. And apply it to yourself.

  Hope you will hang out here with us. That's what we're here for after all.

  Francois

  Where it is a duty to worship the Sun you can be sure that a study of the laws of heat is a crime.
• 

  Tina

  ((((((((((((troubled)))))))))))) Good to see you sweetie!!
  Effexor is a great med. It has less side effects than Zoloft and the other SSRI 'grandaddies". I was on a short course of it. It helped me immensely.

  And that mountain you feel right now is adaptive overload...that will lessen as you journey and explore yourself. Life changes challenge our ability to cope..but you will learn and find new ways to do this. You WILL find that you have the ability and wisdom to creat a better and happier life! Wisdom comes thru taking risks and making the effort to learn again, as you are doing now.

  Becoming vulnerable and risking takes courage(which you show).
  Courage isn't the absence of fear but rather the confidence to take action even when afraid-and this you are doing!

  One step at atime ,troubled,one day at a time,and the mountain gets smaller and smaller.

  Happiness isn't the goal,but learning how to enjoy the journey. They'll be rough spots on the journey,such is the way of re-learning and making changes.
  We'll be here.Wishing you continued strength and courage .Luv,Tina
• 

  Winston

  Hi trouble,

  I'm glad your back with us. The things you are finding out are painfull but, at least you got the guts to look at them.

  Many people in your shoes would just put the blinders on and try to forget about it, to run away from it, but you have choosen the braver coarse.

  You may feel pain now but in time you will be feeling much better, we all been thru it(the shock).

  Medication will help you and when you feel better you will be able to stand on your own, just give it time.

  Life has its pain and we all wish we could find someone who could tell us everthing that we need to do, CULTS claim to be that someone.

  Life is a wounderfull thing and it offers us many challeges with many roads we can travel and Jesus said "keep seeking and you will find" it's there you will find it (if you keep seeking). What you'll find if you keep seeking will be even better than what the WT can offer beleive me.

  The Never Ending Search For Truth
• 

  Bendrr

  Hey there Troubled! I'm glad that 'Suicide' thread wasn't what you said, the last post for a while.
  You are not "self-absorbed" as you mentioned. I hope that your doctor is helping in whatever way but a pill is only part of healing. Depression is a large part of chemicals in your brain and I hope the prescription brings them into balance. It can go a long way to making you feel better. Maybe the rest of the way is to put things away from your mind as it heals. I guess that's easy to say isn't it? Kind of like what I said before. So the best thing I can tell you is that you have a whole lot of nice folks here who are very concerned about you and one way or another someone will be here to hear what you have to say and at least make an effort to make you feel better.
  I'll even go this far, if you ever want to just have a real voice and an ear to talk into, my number is 478-743-6131.
  mike.

  "Well done, Blind Squirrel! You've found an impressive nut!
• 

  Winston

  troubled,

  One thought just occurred to me.
  You might want to tell you Doctor that you are one of JW and ask if that could be any cause for your depression. He may be able to refer you to a specialist that knows about mind control issues.

  The Never Ending Search For Truth
• 

  You Know

  I noticed in your posts that you make no reference at all to Jehovah or Christ. Perhaps that was an oversight, or maybe it reveals where you might have a problem. After all, what's the point of even having a religion if there is no real relationship with God? In the several years that I have participated in forums like this, my observations are that the main reason that people fall prey to apostasy in the first place is because of not having a strong and personal spiritual relationship with Jehovah and Jesus. It is entirely possible to be "in the truth," as we say, and yet not really have the faith.

  I wonder, you say that no one in your congregation cares much about you, but have you REALLY talked to anyone about your struggles? You seem to have poured your heart out here on the Internet, and gotten a lot of sympathetic responses, yet, have you gone to the same lengths to express your feelings of despair to your friends in the congregation? Sometimes these things are hard to talk about among the friends, but I am sure that Jehovah's spirit operates upon your congregation in some measure, so that's where you should primarily look for comfort and encouragement isn’t it?

  Also, most importantly, the Bible, and in particular the Psalms, are immensely comforting during difficult times. Many of the Psalms in fact speak about a depressed condition of God's servants. Psalms 38:6, for example, says: "I have become disconcerted, I have bowed low to an extreme degree; All day long I have walked about sad." The Psalmists goes on to say to God: "As for my lovers and my companions, they keep standing away from my plague, and my close acquaintances themselves have stood off at a distance. But those seeking my soul lay out traps, and those working for a calamity to me have spoken of adversities, and deceptions they keep muttering all day long."

  Isn’t that how you feel, “disconcerted,” abandoned? But, why should you find Psalms such as this comforting and encouraging? David was just another depressed soul, right? Well, for one thing, it lets you know that Jehovah knows how you feel. Don't you feel as if your friends in the congregation are standing off at a distance? That's how many of us feel at times. And that can be very distressing. And yet, the Psalmist’s prayer reflects absolute confidence that Jehovah has not abandoned those who look to him for salvation during difficult times.

  And, whether you realize it or not, your coming to apostate JW's looking for comfort is a trap that is laid to ensnare unwary ones like yourself. That's why Jehovah inspired men to write these thoughts down, because they reflect situations that we might be confronted with at times. Sure apostates want to be your friend, sure they understand. They were once burdened like you. Now they are free, or at least that’s what they want you to think. That’s the trap that you are being set up to fall into.

  The 10th Psalm describes the awful fate of those who become despondent and fall into the apostate's trap. Verse 10 reads: "He is crushed, he bows down, and the army of dejected ones has to fall into his strong claws."

  There is a seeming "army of dejected ones" today that are falling victim to the mouthings of apostates. The fact that the end has not come yet, after all the years that we have been waiting and hoping, obviously has been a big discouragement to many Witnesses, and made them vulnerable to the reasonings of apostates. On top of that is the physical and emotional ills that so many are burdened with that can rob one of the joy that they formerly had serving Jehovah. Our enemies would have us believe that all of our problems are because of the Watchtower, and if you listen to them long enough you might just start believing them. Many have. But, Jehovah's word and spirit are very powerful and can keep us safe even through periods of extreme discouragement and depression. That's why I am confident that if you make extraordinary efforts to draw close to God you can keep your faith intact and come off the victor. / You Know