Just want to share my experience growing up through this organization. I am sure my life wasn't too unique from most other JWs, but like everyone else it has been extremely traumatic. My parents were both JW,but split because my dad found some inconsistancies and problems within the belief system of JW. He ended up being DF'd for Apostacy. In the end my parents marriage ended in divorce. My mom remarried in the truth to a man that was volitile most of the time and I and my 3 sisters spent most of our lives fearing for our safety. Not that he would have killed us, but he was unpredictable with his temper and we never new what would start his rampage.
I do remember my mom actually talking about divorce and us girls just hoped and hoped she would finally get us out of this nightmare. But of course like all co-dependants she stayed and decided to have children with this asshole. Apparently she was threatened that if she left her he would take his kids away from her. My biological father no longer had visits with us because it was just not worth trying to parent children when you have a highly unstable step-parent threatening you. Dad figured it was safer to leave us than to continue to subject us to my step-dads threats to him. Growing up in fear and being told that us girls were the reason he(step-dad) was not an elder will tell you how much he truly loved us. We were the extra package that really was not ordered. And my mom was always the victim (what else could I do? she always said). I think if a parent throws your kid through a door, breaks the glass then twists your arm behind your back and drags you down a flight of stairs that there is plenty you can do. When the father raises his fist as if to punch you out and then hits something else and breaks his hand your own mother should not be telling you to lie to the elders for the bastered. But in JW land that is exactly what is allowed. All because of the Watchtower Society. At 8 I had an eating disorder(anorexic) that eventually became (bulimia).
My parents found out when I was 16 and then told me they didn't think I really had a problem and if I did I could handle it and if not I better get out! Of course I left home and then found help through mental health. My step-dad was so mad that I left he forbade my mom to let me see my brothers. Eventually I ended up in Hospital Psych ward to work through this eating disorder. The doctors were unable to help me as my parents had warned me not to tell them anything that would link my problems with JW. Try and figure that one out. When I got out of the hospital I went to hairdressing school and met this rather unique witness guy in that area that was a control freak, believed he should be able to sleep with his girlfriend if he decided to marry her eventually, didn't want me to have any witness friends, and would threaten me that all his "grim reaper" relatives were watching me so I better be careful of what I do. Being a naive little witness girl I had no defenses for this guy. He was disfellowshipped after the short little time with me. From there I reasoned I was damaged goods anyway and would never find a nice witness man to marry because I would have to tell him what I had done so began my fast decline out of JW land. I started drinking and partying and quite enjoying it since it took away all the pain and guilt I seemed to be plagued with my whole life. I didn't even half mind my body. Weight didn't seem to be such an issue when I was drunk.
The elders realized what I was doing and I was called to a meeting. Not knowing what would happen I openly agreed to attend. They showed me scripturally the error of my ways. And how I would be destroyed at armageddon if I continued and would never live in the paradise. I told them that for the first time in my life I felt totally happy. I never felt this way before so why would I stop. I also told them that each day I wish I was dead so why would I care if I died at armageddon and never lived in the paradise. With all my suicide attempts you would have thought they might have got it, yet they decided that I had an unrepentant attitude and I had to be disfellowshipped.(ironically, 2 of the 3elders that disfellowshipped me are no longer JW). I walked out of that KH jumping and dancing. From the day of the announcement of my DFing there was a change, I had people make a point of noticabley snubbing me as well as some had even ran when they saw me and rolled their vehicle windows up. I couldn't believe it. I guess I looked like Satan's evil twin or something. I always ask - how do you help an ex-JW in need while running away from them/ how do you even know they are in need if you are busy running away from them as soon as you see them.- This was in 1991. I partied it up, met a nice guy that partied it up and got pregnant. I phoned my mom cause I was so exited and she replied "wish I could be happy for you, but your not married". I did lose that baby and almost hemorraged to death. I still refused blood, but was warned by doctors that the next day they would force one on me if my condition didn't improve. My mom phoned the elders and they payed a visit to me in hospital and told me I should leave Dean. I was so weak and I mustered up the courage to say " I am laying here in this condition and the only person that loves me is this man and you tell me to leave him, I don't think so!" I did eventually marry Dean. After being out of the truth for a couple of years I began to think maybe I had been wrong and should make my way back to JW land before the big A.
The week I was to be reinstated(but not announced yet) my grama died. An elder and his wife came to tell me and told me to go to the funeral and not to worry about my disfellowshipped state as this was a greiving time and I should be with family. They said that under the circumstances the treatment awarded disfellowshipped ones would be set aside and besides I was to be announced reinstated that Sunday and the funeral was the next day. My husband and I went down on Friday and showed up at the farm and I was treated like I had a lot of nerve showing up. My husband could not believe this religion and told me it was a cult and I he didn't want me near my family again. My mom found out what happened and called all family members to the farm to apologize for the treatment and the only ones who did apologize were the ones who weren't even there. The ones that caused the problem told me that "the society has their guidlines on how to treat disfellowshipped ones...." I asked them if they thought that just because I was disfellowshipped if it meant that I no longer hurt or grieve?" They all looked puzzled. "She was my grama and I loved her and miss her and I have lost her the same as them" It was like they couldn't comprehend. The elders met with me and told me that depending on how I handled this whole thing will determine whether I would be reinstated or not. My mom told me that the family members that were so insensitive were still young in the truth and I should realize that since they have only been baptised for 10 or 12 years!!! The elders also told me it was my mom's fault that this happened anyway(the only daughter in the family and was running around doing all the funeral arrangements) It wouldn't have been the elders fault for not teaching people how to treat other kindly.
Nevertheless I was reinstated and they hugged and kissed me like Friday never happened. They all said how proud of me they were. I was a witness for the next 9 years although not exactly active. Dean was opposed to the door to door work. I didn't mind though since it sucked anyway. The elders and other witnesses began hounding me that I had to go door to door if I wanted to be a witness. I just couldn't please everyone. Dean was just very firm on his view about service and the elders felt that I had to make a choice. That Dean would either finally except it or he would leave. I was to push Dean to the limit. I had a hard time picturing raising my kids exactly like my upbringing so opted out of the choice they gave me and just refused telling them that their are other ways to witness and that I did more informal witnessing then probably most of them. (they did agree) but of course it just wasn't as valid as the door to door crap. I also felt it wasn't necessary that they know how much I witness. None of their business if its 20 min or 8hrs as long as it was actually a witness that was meaningful in some way, not pushed on people.(independant thinking,bad,bad,bad). I wasn't scared to tell it the way I thought and I guess I didn't realize that as a woman I was way out of line. I was starting to remember why I had gotten disfellowshipped in the first place. It had nothing to do with drinking and partying.
They were controlling and drove me insane. I actually started to get depression back and feeling worthless again. They were all nuts and they could not comprehend rational thought (only watchtower law). I'm sure thats probably what they were thinking of me.So for the next few years I spent my time observing almost trying to plan a way out without too much drama and pain. What a farce! In the end I went to this 2day convention. My parents came to help me with my 3 kids. At the time they were 3yr,1yr and a newborn. We went to half the first day and that night my 3 yr old ended up sick with fever and throwing up. I was up all night and in the morning I told my mom I just didn't even want to be there. We went to the doctor instead and at the same time my brother was going to be announced disfellowshipped (doin the nasty! tsk! tsk!). This was my stepdad's first son out of three so it was totally traumatic for them. I felt he was a drunk and that maybe he would get his s#$@ together and OH WELL. My mom started telling me that she" didn't understand what was wrong with her children and that they were all retarded." So I proceeded to tell her ,and of course the drama and tears. My step dad saw this, jumped into my vehicle with mom me and my three little girls. I started driving(30km/hr) My dad looses it ,tells me to shut my big mouth, opens the door and jumps out and does a trip and roll. My mom starts oh my goshing it and all I could say is "what a dumbass, what does he expect jumping out of a moving vehicle?!!!" He jumps in with my brother and his "new wife" and we drive to Tim Hortons. They all go in to have coffee while I wait about 45 min in the vehicle with my 3 kids wondering what to do as I lived 2 hours away and my parents had traveled with me. My little girl is saying "mommy why did you push PaPa out the door"(nice eh). Mom and dad come out finally and mom says that dad will not travel with me and my brother will drive him. She tried to come with me and I told her no. She said she wanted to and I told her to go with her husband since that was her duty anyway. That was where I made the decision to LEAVE. I came home and lit a cig told Dean my plan and phoned my Apostate dad and I was finally ready to hear some wisdom. That was about December and I didn't actually write my letter until the following summer at the District convention because I wanted to see my family one last time. I have 3 full sisters and 3 half brothers. All but one sister are JW. It wasn't even that hard to leave without looking back either. I am bitter though. I have been called a liar ,that my sisters and I made up all our stories. My half brother beat me mercilessly every day of my life one time till my face turned black and blue.He pulled a knife on us. Beat other sisters in the congregation. He admits this yet my step dad says I lied. My uncle who was one year older than me said nothing nicer to me that stupid bitch,.... and many others.
I was not allowed to fight back so was victimized by this continuously. I was living in fear of my father , my brother and uncle. My other uncle molested my sister. My other sister was molested by other people who were at the time witnesses. Both of my sisters were very harshly treated by my step-dad. Now my oldest sister is missing. We know she is stripping in Toronto somewhere because she felt she had no choice for survival. My family thinks I know where she is and I have had absolutely no contact with her since the police put her on the missing persons list. They did find her, but she thinks I will judge her for her choices so she has decided she is not safe having any family. There is so much more to this story, but it is impossible to write everything. I have had extensive councelling to learn self-esteem, choices/consequences, life skills, how to raise children since my childhood was extremely disfunctional. I have made great progress. My family tells all the witnesses that I am mentally ill and they don't know why I left. I guess if that is what it takes to live with yourself. I no longer question whether I am the insane one or is it them. I KNOW!!!! But still I am bitter because this organization holds peoples families and their very salvation over their heads. When raised this way your whole life you know absolutely no difference and you conclude that they are right. So even those that leave sometimes will live with extreme guilt even though they have left. This organization has taken my right to a normal family away from me. They have taken my right to be loved by my parents instead I got watchtower parrots for parents. They have taken my dignity amongst the JWs as they all think I am nuts. They have taken my childrens grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins away from them. They have taken my human parents ability to see how to treat others humanely away. They have chosen to brand me as worthless in Gods eyes because I won't bow to their pathetic lies and garbage.They have taught family and friends how to hate one another and then slyly turned it into something good to people who have no ability to spot dishonesty. They have destroyed my right as a child to feel safe and loved and worthwhile and as an adult they wanted me to do that to my kids.They have made me have to prove to my family that I am actually human with real emotions at a time when I should be allowed to grieve. They have taken my right to be at my brothers wedding to celebrate that joyous occassion. They have taken away any future rights like attending my own mothers funeral or sisters or brothers. I hope they read this because I will never never never forgive them. They are evil. If they can't see how much worse they are than other religions, that they look more like the harlot than the Catholic church does with all their crimes against mankind then God help them. I know God sees how sad my heart is and how dishonest and evil this organisation is even if they are unable to truly admit what they have done to people and their lives. If they ever ever ever are able to humble their hearts they will be sick with fear over what they have done because there is absolutely no way to fix it anymore. Moanzy