Calling all "unbelieving mates", AKA husbands and wives of cult members

by Check_Your_Premises 27 Replies latest jw experiences

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  jgnat

  Interesting statement, CYP

  So, in a way, the witnesses are making be be a better Christian, a better husband, and a better father.

  To prepare adequate mental defences, I had to re-examine each aspect of my Christian faith. I don't take any doctrine for granted any more, I ask myself, "Does it bear the fruit of the Spirit?" My poor pastor's speeches are filtered through my skeptic's brain, and I summarily dismiss any emotional appeal. "Has that concept been balanced with other scriptures?" I question everything now. But I think I know myself, what I believe, and why, far more thoroughly. I believe I am a stronger Christian because of my exposure to the Jehovah's Witnesses.

  I don't take the seasonal holidays for granted any more. They are a precious gift, not to be wasted. When my daughter wanted to cancel Christmas because she was overwhelmed with the obligations, I patiently and persistently encouraged her to re-discover what Christmas meant to her and to ignore the obligations and commercialism. As a result, she established some new traditions with her little family. She says it was her best Christmas yet.

  Oh, yeah, I finally understand the concept of the trinity, and the danger of viewing Jesus as anything less than fully God. Before I was exposed to the JW's, I had swallowed the concept whole without doing any deep research on it. I used to be a lazy Christian, content to trust the research of others without question. Not any more!
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  Check_Your_Premises

  JGnat,

  I think we just made the case for unbiased critical analysis in a free exchange of ideas free from human dogma.

  "...but we only believe what the Bible says!!!"

  Honest criticism is good, because it causes you to refine your thoughts. The jw's shouldn't fear it if they have the truth. They should embrace it. But they don't. They don't seem very confident, do they.

  It is so unfortunate that so many struggled so hard and so long to escape men presuming to speak for God. Now here we are, free to think and worship as we choose. And people refuse to look at the history of where such human presumptions lead, and refuse to take advantage of the hard won freedoms we enjoy.

  MDP
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  Hondo

  Hello CYP, it's me Hondo. I went through what you are going through back around 1999/2000. Sully has presented some very good advice stating that after someone gets baptized the "love bombing" dwindles, or perhaps totally ceases in some cases, and people that once displayed love and friendship, prior to baptism, were now maybe distant and alloof, and not as "friendly" as before. I did not find this to be the case with my wife (now ex). She seemed to get herself more involved with JW activities after baptism than before; she seemed more devoted and more interested in victimizing recruiting more so after taking the dunk than before (while she was still going through official "bible study"). Again, I'm stepping on your sand castle, but I found that my ex had less time for me and the family after she became an "official" JW, than before. I tried to work around this "devotion" by showing her more love and interest, to which she seemed fairly receptive. This was only a facade I found however. When it came to her choosing between us (her and I), or the family as a group doing something together, guess what, off she went to her JW responsibility, sometimes without even letting me know where she was going or when she would return. On several occasions she outright lied to me claiming that she was going shopping then returning 5 or 6 hours later. I later came to find out she had been at a JW friends home doing JW "stuff".

  Again CYP, best of luck to you. I really hope and pray that you can hold things together. Again, Sully has some very good advice. I think if you stay away from arguing JW doctrine, thoughts and ideas with your wife and do your own reverse "love bombing", she may she the error in her ways. This could take years, however. Remember, she has essentially already divorced you and taken the Watchtower Society as her new husband. Your are now just and "unbelieving mate", literally, nothing more. Although my ex never really said she wanted a divorce, once ours was final, she was the most elated person in the world it seemed. Maybe my ex was the exception to the rule, I don't know, but don't be surprised if your wife becomes more "involved" and dedicated in her JW activities after she gets baptized, than she is now.

  Take care. Semper Fi (this is tough to say from a Navy guy)
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  M.J.

  Just wanted to chime in to say that you can't fit all JWs into a particular mold. Sure, many consistant similarities apply, but any particular person's experience with their JW spouse could vary greatly from your own. Each individual JW is somewhat unique in their personal experiences, how they communicate, react to perceived dangers, how they learn, etc. Take heart in this: most people whose loved ones are no longer in the WTS probably don't a have a compelling reason spend time on forums like this. So naturally you'll hear more bad experiences than good. I've heard success stories and remain optimistic in my own situation.

  Remember Steve Hassan's necessary beliefs and attitudes:

  NECESSARY BELIEFS

  • Mind control is never 100% because it cannot erase a person?s authentic self.
  • The mind-controlled individual WILL leave the group. It?s only a matter of how soon and how easily.
  • Real love is stronger than conditional love.
  • People want to be free and know the truth.
  • Everything in life can be used as a learning experience.
  • Cult behavior is predictable.
  • Cults don?t deliver what they promise.
  • Change and growth are inevitable.

  NECESSARY ATTITUDES

  • Be curious, yet concerned.
  • Be a good listener. Act as if you don't already know everything.
  • Act within your sphere of control. Don't waste your emotions on things you can't change.
  • Strive for gradual, cumulative progress. Don't just go for the "knockout" punch.
  • You can always improve your communication skills.
  • Do the best you can with the resources you have.

  My situation very closely resembles that of CPiolo's. Wife was spending time away when we met then after we were married she decided to jump back in. This was when she was expecting our first son and she was suddenly fearful of her son being destroyed in Armageddon. Implanted fears. They get ya every time.
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  clare

  Hi there,

  I'm a newbie and posted some initial thoughts a few days ago under the topic 'what about free will' which may be of some interest to you. As I said in that post there is no need to 'throw the baby out with the bathwater'. I think those well grounded in the JW teachings who then leave can feel genuinely completely abandoned and condemned even if they realise that they have been mislead. I still believe in God, but realize that he is a 'God of freedom', and expects us to use the brains we've been given to guard against those who speak like a lamb but act like wolves. Also, that he wants to save the WHOLE world not just a chosen few. Nevertheless, it is a scary path to take; consequently I am very encouraged by reading examples like yours because so many non believing parters have been there to encourage and support leavers. 'LOVE NEVER FAILS'! All the best for the future. clarex
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  Check_Your_Premises

  Thanks Hondo. If someone had told us when we were 19, that we would be crying in our beer someday with a squid/sea-going-bell-hop, we never would have believed it.

  I watched her get dunked with your words ringing in my head. One of them, who knew how I felt about it, had the audacity to ask me what I "thought about the whole thing". I was totally unprepared for the question. I just rolled my eyes and said, "I don't think it really matters (to anybody here) what I think about it". Clearly he had no idea how close he was to death.

  Then another one said, "you know, you are going to have to make up your mind too, if you are puffed up with pride like a peacock, then you eventually end up a feather duster"

  Classic jw humor. Those guys are really a riot. Again someone who was clearly oblivious to his brush with death. All it would have taken was for a few of my synapsis to fire at the wrong time, and he would have been twitching and pissing himself.

  I just looked at him and said, "oh so that is how it works." My wife and all the other jws were horrified. They assured me that attitude isn't typical.

  Right.

  I have decided one thing I will absolutely not put up with, and that is people acting like I don't love God or something is wrong with me because I don't want to join their little club.
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  Hondo

  Couldn't agree with you more CYP. JW's are a lieing, evil, deceptive and self-centered group of people. As much as I hate to say it, you are now low on your wife's list of 100 most important things in her life. The Watchtower Society/Governing Body, whom she probably thinks is God-like, her local congregation (she probably considers the Elders there as somewhat God-like as well), her JW friends, selling (placing) magazines (She probably considers the contents of these as words of God as well), and attendling as many meetings, and the yearly memorial, as the most important things in her life and take precedence, for the most part, over you. You are an object now, nothing more. She will make time for you, from time-to-time, but not like before she came under their control. She is most interested in (and this is drilled into her at the weekly and weekend meetings she attends) saving herself because the end is just around the corner, and will happen very soon (2005, JW's think, is suppose to be a high potential year for the end to occur by the way). She will be encouraged to do more, and more, and more, because her salvation is never assured. And of course she will continue try to get you and your children to join. My ex-wife would interject this point during some of our conversations, whenever she felt comfortable, asking me if I would like to be saved because the world is such a rotten place, and, by the way, the end is coming very soon... By strong my friend and maintain your Christian beliefs and values, but be as loving to your wife, as best you can, at the same time. It will not be easy and will take a great amount of patience.

  Take care and GB
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  Lady Lee

  This is sooo good I had to send it bttt