by Seeking Knowledge 34 Replies latest jw friends
Yea, I called my lawyer left a message....awaiting a phone call..
Jgnat...awesome..that's exactly what I need. I copied the pertinent info for him to look at and kept it available under my favorites. I doubt he'll read it. He tends to not believe in self help books or outside help. I think I may just hand it to him tonite when I pick up my son, maybe I'll get lucky & he'll be receptive to it. I can only try at this point.
Thanks all....it helps!
SK
Girlfriend! You have responded to my posts as well and we are in such similar circumstances. I am so sorry you have to deal with an asshole of an ex also! Much of what you are going through I have also experienced with my ex and I always feel so bad for my kids when things get heated or ugly. I feel bad for them too when their dads don't see how the things they do affect our kids.
When I get him back from a visit with his dad he's full of anger and he has taken to screaming & hitting when he has to do something he doesn't want to do.
The above statements definitely tell me that you are right in your assumption that your son is not comfortable expressing his feelings and true emotions with his dad. He is comfortable doing so with you because he knows you will love him no matter what. That's a good thing. I know transition times are hard. They have gotten easier over the years with my kids. When they come back now it's pretty much life as usual but it used to be high drama! The confrontations are fewer and things have gotten somewhat better. Definitely not perfect though!
It sounds to me like your son is like my son. He needs to be in one home with more stability in his life. My daughter has handled going back and forth quite well over the years but my son (who is now 6) cannot handle it. He is not happy when he is going back and forth. My daughter is with her dad 1/2 time while my son, who requires more routine, a more frequent and constant caregiver and less change in his life is with me most of the time. He was getting sick way too much with two different schedules and his dad was unwilling to work with me on trying to make things more consistent. Now my son only goes to his dad's every other weekend, 1 weeknight a week and 1/2 the vacations. It has made a world of difference. He has done much better since I had this enforced. I think boys need the consistency more and they also need their moms more when they are younger.
I would have freaked too if my ex took my child to have his or her back adjusted! You do have joint legal custody right? If so, he has definitely broken the rules there... I am not even allowed to take my daughter to a therapist without my ex's signature because we have joint legal custody. Medical guidelines are not spelled out in our decree but it is the law in California. A reputable therapist will not see a child without the signature of both parents if you have joint legal custody. I don't see why a accupuncturist would be any different. I would give that accupuncturist a call and ask why he/she treated your child without legal consent.
Personally, I have to deal with two ex's. The one where I have our child full-time is much easier. He does better in school, he is healthier and his father and I get along much better (because I am willing to communicate for my son's benefit). The one where we have joint custody is much rockier. Communication is strained, it is a constant power struggle, she is having a harder time in school, etc. If you can afford to get full custody I would go for it! It sounds like your son needs it. If you take him to court they will definitely see that you are considering your child's interests and he is not. By not communicating with you he is hurting your child.
In my situation with my daughter, I choose the less aggressive path with my ex. I pick my battles carefully. I cannot afford to take him to court and I want to keep the lines of communication open. It helps to a point.
In the meantime, breath and keep the communication to a minimum. No sense in fighting over things that are out of your control at the moment. Save it for your attorney. That's what I would do if I were taking my ex to court. Document it all and take some peace in the fact that you are doing what is best for your child and that is all you are capable of.
Ex's...can't live with them....can't shoot them.
My ex's second wife did shoot him.
Didn't kill him though.
She was aiming for you know where and missed.
He walked around with a cane for awhile.
I laffed my butt off.....not very christian though!
maybe another woman will do the dirty deed for ya!!!
Those kind of guys never learn.
you know.....sorry, that was really mean. ( my post )
Thats your kids father and I apologize.
I'm sorry you have to endure this treatment from such a brain sick wart.
YOU know that it IS your business, so you just can't let him wear you down. I see this as a LONG term struggle with him, that you must out-last him to win. Patients, on an almost geologic time scale, and an eye for oportunity, are what will serve you best.
Patients, on an almost geologic time scale, and an eye for oportunity, are what will serve you best
Very well put!
I've been dealing with an asshole ex for more than 16 years (those are the ex-years). Our daughters are 16 and 18. My ex put me through extreme torment for many years, and he still gets a dig in whenever he can.
One quick comment regarding this comment:
Medical guidelines are not spelled out in our decree but it is the law in California. A reputable therapist will not see a child without the signature of both parents if you have joint legal custody.
My divorce was handled in CA and is still in force. Joint Legal Custody, as defined by CA means that EITHER parent has the right to authorize medical treatment or even enroll (or disenroll) the kids in school WITHOUT consulting the other. Barring specific language to the contrary, he does not have to consult you first. (I'm not a lawyer but that is what my lawyer said).
As to the spinal adjustment, chiropractors work on young children and babies all the time and given that no one wants to get sued, I suspect it has no ill efffects, though I have no clue if it has any merits (I can ask a friend whose wife is a chiro if you want). I know some believe you can cure anything with a back adjustment. I don't buy it, but some do.
As to altering custody and visitation situations, you pretty much have to prove there has been a "material change in circumstances" before a judge is going to give you any credence. As to requesting mediation, I think that's always a good idea, but only works if court ordered or both parties want it.
One spot of advice learned from painful experience, what goes on in your house, and what goes on in dad's house does not need to be the same. Rules can be different, even bedtimes can be different (though this is much harder on smaller kids) and kids are resilient. Most do okay. The most important thing you can do is to not let your frustration with your ex enter the realm of your child's awareness.
Most kids feel like they get pulled one way, then the next, and all they really want is to love you both. The less you say that is negative the better. If your son tells you things that concern you, listen, acknowledge, then CALMLY say "I'll talk to your father." Don't jump to conclusions and don't let your son see your worry. This does more harm to your child than good.
Then have a calm discussion with your ex. Again, speaking from a lot of experience, the more you ask questions and NOT attack or put him on the defensive, the better results you will have. He does have a right to establish what happens in his house and also a right to privacy. The more you respect this, the better his responses towards you will be. You have the right to expect the same. Threats usually just create more problems and a big legal bill. They rarely get you what you want.
One more caveat, as your son gets older, the more he sees you react to any "complaints" about daddy, the more he is going to begin to play you both against each other to get whatever he wants. My girls are teens and my oldest has a true gift for manipulating her dad and I against each other. She knows exactly what to say to get our "goat" up. I have found that on important matters, communicating with her dad first and/or in a three-way conference call works best because she knows that both of us have ALL the facts. I get a lot more cooperation from HIM because he knows he is being included and his view is important (or at least that is the impression I give him...it isn't always the reality).
In other words, by treating him respectfully, I've learned to get more of what I want from him for our girls.
I wish you luck and I realize this is not likely the only problem you've had with your ex, but from the little information you give, I think you over-reacted. I'm not defending him, I am just saying that it seems that he was trying to do right by your son (by taking him to a practioner, even if not a traditional one) and that was within his rights as a dad.
Take care.
My divorce was handled in CA and is still in force. Joint Legal Custody, as defined by CA means that EITHER parent has the right to authorize medical treatment or even enroll (or disenroll) the kids in school WITHOUT consulting the other. Barring specific language to the contrary, he does not have to consult you first. (I'm not a lawyer but that is what my lawyer said).
Hmmm... Not what my therapist told me last week when I asked if she could see my daughter regarding issues she's been having in school and with the holidays. My therapist asked if I had sole custody and when I told her I had joint custody she said she would need signatures from both parents to be able to seem my daughter.
I will double check with the therapist she referred me to as the lady she referred me to is a child therapist and her husband is also a therapist who does allot of work with the courts.
I'll update this thread when she calls me back. I would love to be able to take my child to the therapist without her father's consent since JWs in general are not encouraged to see therapists and he has refused on more than one occasion to allow me to take our daughter.
This is probably not the most workable solution in most cases. But, I simply disappeared with the kids. I had nothing to lose. No help from anywhere! JW, JW family (who is all I knew), and it certainly wouldn't be considered legal. But one must do what one must! The legal system was more than I could afford and was no help as he was very convincing and charming. Privately, he got his rocks off beating the sh#t out me and his subsequent girlfriends, the dog, whomever. This was a number of years ago, the kids are now more than adults, and wonder why I stayed with him as long as I did, 10 yrs. Hmmm, I was trying to be a good JW! End of story... You must decide for yourself what is best for your son and yourself. Ultimately, we only have ourselves. and if there is anyone to answer to, such a the big J; well if he's as loving as they (jws) make him out to be, I had no doubt he would be understanding. Yes, I went against the court orders of visitation rights, but I did not have the finances nor emotional fortitude to play those games. I do not suggest you do as I did, just want to encourage you to look to yourself for answers that will work in your situation. You are able, just give your inner voice validation.
Legal custody means who makes the decisions about the children?s health, education and welfare. This includes deciding where the children go to school or whether they should get braces on their teeth. If the parents share joint legal custody, both parents can ask schools and doctors for information about the children. It is important to be clear about who makes which decisions so that there is no disagreement later on.
From what is stated above, it sounds like BeeBee is indeed correct if your joint legal custody terms are not clearly defined in your decree. Great for me! Not so great for you. I also read the following though:
The parent who has legal joint custody retains the "right" to challenge your decision in court if he/she disagrees.
So it sounds to me like you have a good leg to stand on if you don't agree with accupuncture. If your ex-husband is unwilling to communicate with you regarding medical, schooling, etc. decisions then the court will re-consider joint legal custody. The court favors joint custody in situations where the parents are able to work together from what I have read. It might help just to get your joint legal custody more clearly defined in court as to who is responsible for making each of those decisions.
I'll still check back once I hear from the child therapist I was referred to...
