Hello everyone, you have probably read some of my posts but I wish to tell a little more about my story, not all of it but just to give a mindset of where I stand and how I feel.
I had been a witness since childhood as I had been indoctrinated at a very young age by a zealous grandmother who had devoted her life to an organization. Like I had stated before I have come to realize she was serving a image of god created for her consumption by imperfect men, but none the less I know she meant well in her actions. I have always had a good heart toword others and God, and though at times it troubles me to think of how I used to carry the JW mindset of judging others viewpoints and faith, not intentionally but because of being molded into such a form through misdirected thinking. I was not a "power monger" or cold toword others and eventually even within the confines of the organization began to readjust my own thinking toword others, heavily due to Jesus exemplified approach toword such ones. I remember reading and meditating on the gospels as a witness and how they moved me, how such love and understanding was shown even toword the sinful. I had strived very hard to display such an attitude even though others around me did not share the same feeling.
I remember times when I would talk to the disfellowshiped and encourage them, though councelled against doing so. I'll never forget how it felt good to acknowledge them and that I had not judged them as unworthy. I have also had the pleasure of showing love toword ones when they were disfellowshiped even though previously they had not been as considerate toword me in my times of trouble. I recall a service meeting and their was one brother who was disfellowshiped sitting in the back with no literature. We were handing out kindom ministry's to thoese who had for whatever reason not brought theirs along. No one had taken the consideration or effort to give this person a ministry because of his status. I felt obligated to break that mold, I felt it was more loving to care for his needs and to make him feel part of the brotherhood then to shun and ignore. I smiled at him, said "here you go brother" and handed him a kingdom ministry, of course this action most likely contributed to my eventual pressure from the elder body. I was more liberal then most I suppose, our congregation at the time had a very domineering presiding overseer, and felt very rigid and controlled. One couple had expressed this to me in conversation as to why they had some displeasure in meeting attendance, I too could see it and understood thier feelings. I remember a remark from one sister after visiting with this stated couple(I greatly enjoyed their company even though they might not have met the status qoue) "how do you know them?", another brother even stated "they displayed a bad attitude and thats what held them back!" I could not agree with these statements and had defended the couple as being nothing more then good honest kind people who had legitimate claims of pain. I had at this time also even extended love toword ones who were viewed as apostate, I still said hello and conversated with them. Although I realize now I had maybe not been the most at ease because of watchtower teaching but I did not view them in the same light. I didnt see them as a "label" but as a person, who was earnest in their desire to serve god, and had either been heavily hurt or cast away by injustice in the congregation. Little did I know 5 years later I too would experience this side of the coin as it quickly flipped on me.
Another leading factor to my eventual regular elder room visits was due to children, I had went against the popular opinion that now was not the time for children.(in fact I believe we were only one of two family's with any children) I had even earnestly tried to show them from scriputure that both God and Jesus loved children and would never view them in this light. This did not go over smoothly especially with the PO, as his daughter had wanted children but due no doubt to congregation pressure had chosen to stay childless. She was very emotional about it and it gave a sence of discomfort not only to me and my wife but probably to her father. It was not long after this and coupled with pherhaps the other factors that the fist was coming down. Quite rapidly my priveledges were stripped only being able to pioneer, as at the time I was self employed and work was slow. I would spend 14 hour days in service in remote territory, dragging along who ever would go with me. I still feel good about some of thoese memorys because it was the most relaxed and undogmatic service I had ever had in my life. I was able to use Gods word more and have more of a sence of ease, instead of trying to go with a mission of making witnesses, I went with a mission of just discussing beliefs in a relaxed fashion. I did not pressure people to conform, I did not force opinion on them, rather i just tried to encourage bible reading as I knew they did not get enough contact for regular magazine dispursal. All in all I still value that experience in some sence because it drew me even closer to the word of god and to him personally. I remember even trying to arrange for a community presentation of our beliefs with a council member of that town, pherhaps I was going a bit far in this respect, but at the time I felt it was not a wrong thing as it would be highten the clarity of who we were. I had mentioned this too the PO when I arrived back, he never said nothing but had quickly brought that discussion to an end. I knew that pherhaps in his mind I was out of line in not following society instruction to a "T".
I even recolect a number of years ago asking the Circuit overseer at the time to accompany me on a study, I had several at the time and had mentioned to him about one who was a bit mentally challenged but I still cared enough to take time for him, the CO had asked me then directly "This is not the one we will be studying with is it?" Thoese words just never sounded right to me, how could one be judged as a waste of time due to a mental imbalance. Was not Jesus invitation to "come" open to them? Another time on the way to a meeting we had caught a ride with the PO and his wife(due to lack of funds for fuel) and I had mentioned my joy in pioneering and this remote territory. She coldly said and I still hear her words to this day "We knew a brother who used to put in 12 hour days and now he's out of the truth."
It just rapidly got worse and worse for me and my wife, emotionally I couldnt handle what I felt as rejection, meetings were becoming harder and harder to attend. One meeting me and my wife were sitting in about the third row from the front and this elder was giving a discussion from the platfrom about possibly building a new kingdom hall. Our young child started to whale a bit and we knew what that meant, get her downstairs a soon as possible! We had been previously warned about such causing of interuption. (This is in part as to why we felt such discomfort and a walking on eggshells at the meetings.) I looked at my wife and seen her getting ready to leave with our baby knowing others were feeling annoyed with the commotion. All of a sudden the speaker stopped, I looked up and seen the PO stepped away from the platform with a great look of anger on his face. My wife ran downstairs and I felt about 2 inches high in my chair, so I soon also accomponied her. I found her crying and sisters were their trying to justify what had happened. To say the least it hurt and it hurt deeply because we were already under alot of emotional stress due to various factors within the congregation. This coming from the same man who had earlier been very supportive of my ministry and had even expressed "dont worry about money we'll look after you."(meaning god would provide I believe) Well with all this and the fact that financially I was starving and facing pressure from creditors, grateful even if someone would give me a little gas money for service, I started discussing with my wife as to what I should do.
I realized the way things with the elders were heading because of past experience, another pioneer brother years earlier was repeatedly flogged with councel before the congregation until it was to the point of leave or be difellowshiped. He could do nothing right and every comment he made was taken as attack toword the elders, I personally witnessed this event, when he left to take a job in a different area his family stayed to sell the home. While he was gone their attention was now directed toword his wife, which I never understood. This man I believe still is a witness and even though removed as a pioneer continued to put in the hours. I was heading in the same direction and so could forsee my consequences, it was leave or be done away with. I left for a different area and cant help but remember the delight of one elder when he heard, he wanted my letter to the new congregation done promptly.(I still often wonder why, if he had maybe wanted me gone that bad or had maybe reasoned it was best) Either way I moved and tried to carry on, but again children became an issue with the new congregation.
We were often uninvolved with activities(not of our choice but not always being thought of or invited) and when we were, often faced being exiled anyway.(one time we were asked out for supper with two other couples in the new congregation, after supper the men grouped up and went off by themselves talking and preparing meeting parts, the two women likewise, and their we sat alone in thier house in the living room. It didnt take long and I told my wife, "lets go were leaving." They never even realized we had left and never made mention of the event again. All this coupled with the dogmatism, control, definate lack of true compassion and love, justification instead of apology, and straight forward rudeness led to my becoming inactive and eventually coming to a realization of the society. In all fairness I will state that the mentioned PO did apologize 5 years later for his conduct but only after pressure from a fellow member who heard my story, and this came through a brief answering machine message. Either way I do forgive this man for his cold heartedness but it does not erase all the pain.
I have not mentioned all of my events as their are many more and far worse but I have chose to highlight some of what I went through. I too do not feel I am special as I realize this happens everyday to ones in the organization but are the main points that led to my distancing from the organization. I have also went through spyings by judicial commitees and stalking, phonecalls, even till 2 am in the moring, even cross examination by a circuit overseer, but what hurt me the most was the lack of compassion and love, true love.
I have nothing to hide and if someone monitoring this site for whatever means identifies me from the stated events then they will know I have not added to the story. If they would see fit to disfellowship or disassociate me over telling my side, let them do so as I do not fear man, but I fear god. I do not need thier support or hinderance in my relationship with god and I am not afraid to show them my love for god and christ apart from an organization. I am not bitter either toword the organization,body, or its members but rather pray that maybe they may find understanding and that God will subject them to humility and yet forgiveness for their wrongs if he would deem it fit. I believe their are loving people in the organization but their love is subject to a filter of principles not found in the bible, others are their for power or prestige, others family, others just earnest seekers of the bible caught in a treadmill. I only ever tried to follow an example set 2000 years previous by our head, Christ, and in doing so maybe I experienced a small taste of the persecution he endured. In this I take some comfort knowing that I never betrayed my Lord or my heavenly father, I only ever tried to follow his example of love and I wil continue to do such leaving my matter in his loving hands of mercy. As I come to these conclusions I realize my time as a witness is concluded and has been for a period, but I still will extend love to these ones even if not returned, just a Jesus had shown me through his accounts.
Ticker
P.S. Thank you for reading, It may be choppy but its not easy to bring back thoese emotions of hurt in an orderly manner and I wish not to demean the mentioned persons but only to show what situation I had been involved in. I dont hold them totally responsible for what occured but feel we were all at one time caught up in this loop of eliteness and misguidance. A spirit that eminates from a harsh structure carrying unswaying force not motivated in love.