How many of you were nervous?

by Confusedgirl 23 Replies latest jw experiences

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  adelmaal

  I felt very similar to the way you are feeling. I lost all my friends and the family I had gained in "the truth". I ended up with a major ulcer. I felt like I had nowhere to go and nobody to turn to. That's how JWs want you to feel if you leave or get disfellowshipped. So you'll feel like you need to go back.

  It took me awhile to realize it's ok to be alone, it's ok to be lonely, it's part of life, you eventually pick yourself up and get the opportunity to see that you have worth, you are strong and you can take care of yourself. Eventually, you may even see that you can lean on God; without human intervention.

  After awhile I decided I was going to start getting to know the world. I was going to start getting involved in things and start meeting friends, etc. I started salsa dancing, I reconnected with worldly family members, I started going out with people from work, I started listening to talk radio, I got involved in politics. I saw that there were so many things out there for me that could be enjoyed. And I realized that not being a JW allows you not to feel constantly worried you are doing something bad. I realized that there are so many wonderful people out there and God could not possibly want to destroy them all. I have come full circle and I am now actually revisiting the Bible. Not revisiting organized religion but reading "Crisis of Conscience" and other books, studying a little bit everyday with my children out of "One Year Book of Devotions for Kids" and just reading the Bible bit by bit on my own. I now have the ability to take what I want (believe) from each source and leave the rest behind. I know that I don't have to believe everything that one organization tells me to believe. It's exhilirating! It's freedom from bondage! I have accepted that I can actively be a good person, I can love God and that can be enough.

  It took me awhile to see that not only was there life beyond JWs but that life can be enjoyable, non-judgemental and relatively stress free! I no longer feel like I could be destroyed anyday by a ruthless God who loves only lemmings who would run off a cliff for a manmade organization.
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  Jez

  Of course, then you start redefining God, but by that point you've eased through the initial stages of fear...
  Eventually your own philosophy for life emerges.
  Don't underestimate how long it can take, though, nor harden your mind to what twists and turns it may career through.

  I have been out for 3 years and only now am I being forced by my 10 year old to go through the initial stages of fear. It is strange that you said all of the above DH because last night she asked me why I won't go to church with her and that she loves it so much. I thought and thought and then I told her that I am afraid still. I feel let down by God and I no longer trust him. For years I thought that I was worshipping HIM, but I was really worshipping the stupid Watchtower organization. She told me that maybe God pulled me out of there and I am one of the few that listened to him, that others stay even though they have worries, but they ignore God in doing so. She has such a strong faith that God exists and now I don't even know! I won't go to church though. I have been put off of organized religion and do not trust it.

  I am only now redefining God and what he is to ME. I worshiped the god of JWes, cruel, picky, biased, for far too long.

  I am cementing my philosophy in life now, figuring it out, trying on different 'coats', disgarding ones that don't feel good and keeping ones that do.

  Take your time, we are having a delayed reaction to finding ourselves and not use to defining what WE believe. To come from being told EVERYTHING, to having to interpret and then make sense of everything is like throwing an elementary child into univeristy.

  Hugs and welcome from Jez
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  FairMind

  I think the initial stages are eased if your focus is on God and not either an organisation, or (later on) even a book.

  This is the same conclusion I’ve come to. I still haven’t left the organization because somehow I can’t shake the feeling that I have to go somewhere. The churches are not for me since I believe many of their doctrines are wrong. Somehow I feel that God understands my feelings and in due time will lead me to where I belong.
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  Taylor S.

  I've never felt lost. Terribly frightened ... at first, but never lost.

  I left the organization at nineteen. I left for one reason only, one slight discrepancy in their teachings made me question the whole sha-bang. The fact that I was taught that no one is born gay. I knew that was a lie. All my life I'd only been attracted to other guys. At nineteen I was at the point where I couldn't deny my nature.

  At that age, no one could.

  All my friends in the hall were getting engaged, just because they were horny. I almost did too. But I knew it wasn't what I really wanted. Then I made the COLOSSEL mistake of telling a friend about my cravings. Although he promised secrecy, he told the elders because his conscience bothered him, he said.

  They sat me down once and told me basically that I just had to resist the temptation and be celibate. I tried for awhile. But then I met this guy who quickly stripped away my virginity ... and with it my religion. I knew at that point that I could never be celibate. I prayed to Jehovah ... well, it was more like a statement ... I said that he made me this way and I can't fight it and if it's wrong then destroy me for it. After that, I left home, threw away my ties and field-service bag, and embarked on a life of hedonistic pleasure that lasting for the next decade.

  The sad thing was ... I still believed Armageddon was due any second (violent thunderstorms made me peek out the window expecting to see fiery chariots, with Angels surgically smitting all those who didn't go to the Hall ... and us homos), and I was gonna be first in line to be destroyed because I had this insatiable desire for men ... a desire I'd had since I was twelve and was now doing my best to make up for lost time. During this phase I never questioned JW rhetoric, because it'd been drilled into my brain since birth. It wasn't until recent years that I realized that all the things I'd been taught was a lie. Well intentioned lies, but lies none-the-less.

  What a relief it was to realize that it was all BS. But yeah, I was nervous in those early days after I left. That fear is what kept me either drunk or high or in some other unseemly condition. The fear that I was gonna die because I was gay is a powerful fear. I embarked on a self-destructive existence because of that fear. Had I know then that the only person who was trying to take me out was me ... my life would have taken a more productive turn a lot sooner.

  Don't be afraid ... it gets better. After a while ... you won't even care.

  Taylor S.