I have been DFed/DAed for nearly 7 years now. Long story. Anyway my mom has shunned me ever since. I have always made excuses for her, saying that she believes what she is doing is right. But lately I have just been mad. I guess it started when my 13 year old came to me crying because all the kids at school were talking about seeing their grandparents for Christmas and when she was asked about her grandparents she didn't know what to say. She SO misses having grandparents. It makes me angry that my mom NEVER has tried to contact my kids since I left the JW's. We moved out of state and she doesn't call or write them. She did want to see them when we went back for a vacation, but all she did was try to preach to them and they were really upset by it. She is VERY much a family person. She had 10 kids of her own and is raising a grandkid and visits and babysits all her other grandchildren all the time. She USED to be like that with my kids. I think it would be easier if all their grandparents had died.
Anyway, I don't feel I can make excuses for her anymore. I feel like she has a responsibilty as my mom and my kids grandmom to find out the truth. But she won't listen. She uses the scripture that says to fonicators and drunkards and such, but I have not done ANYTHING listed in that scripture. Also, when it says to not even greet such a person I don't believe it means it in the sense she does. The traditional Jewish greeting was to kiss a person on both cheeks in a way that kinda meant you accept them as a person with the same beliefs/standards. I don't know if I'm explaining it well....
I just don't know what to do. I wrote a letter but I don't know if I should send it or if she will read it and even if she does it may just make her more determined not to see me when we go down for my sisters wedding in October.
I'm just really mad and very confused right now. I think she wants a relationship, but she WON'T let go of the WTS and she won't admitt that they could be wrong. It's so hard to understand since she KNOWS how badly I was treated and she KNOWS what I went through and all the WTS has done wrong in regards child abuse.
Honestly, do you want your small child to have a relationship with people that have hurt you they way they've hurt you?
You can find older friends in your life that could be surrogate grandparents to your child. I don't have parents because they shun me, but I have other people in my life that are my parental role models.
Whether or not she's a JW, she is responsible for her own choices and her own actions. That is what I remind myself when I feel hurt and rejected by my mother.
We are all adults, you know you remind your kids to play nice in the sandbox, to share, etc... and it's sad when adults can't figure out the same principles.
She is accountable for her actions and treatment of you, even if she was influenced.
Since your Mom is shunning you and your children, you need to explain to the children in language they can understand why Grandma does not want to have anything to do with you and your children. Give them the facts, then just allow them to understand on their own level. Writing your Mom will probably just bring further frustration for you.
I knew of a woman in my congregation back about 10 years ago. She had nothing to do with her Daughter or Son who had married out of the witnesses and were disfellowshipped. She wanted nothing to do with the grandchildren because the end was coming and those children would be destroyed in her eyes. She thought what was the point of getting to know and love them only to have them destroyed by Jehovah? So she wanted nothing to do with them. I was shocked at such coldness, but frankly the grandchildren were better off with out that kind of grandmother in their life. I had known her daughter, and she was a very caring girl, but never saw her after she left the meetings. I told her I could never do that to my kids or grandkids if I ever had any. I told her I love my children no matter what. She told me I was spiritually weak and needed to work on that.
Needless to say I didn't bother talking to her anymore.
Though your Mom loves family, she may be thinking along the same lines. Do you have any other siblings who are disfellowshipped, does she shun them and their children.
I don't have any immediate family that 'claims' me.
But I have an ex-JW pal that I have 'adopted' as a sister. It may not be quite the same, but... well... for your kids' sake - you might want to try to find someone that your kiddo can call 'granny'. (Of course... when/if your mom finds out... it might make for interesting fireworks.)
You will never - and shouldn't try to - change your mom's beliefs. What she believes is what she believes. (You wouldn't want her trying to change _your_ beliefs, right?)
So - accept that, and things might go smoother... for both of you.
Anyway, I don't feel I can make excuses for her anymore
Don't. She's treating you and your kids like shit, period. She's trying to undermine you as a parent by preaching to your kids. I don't care if she thinks it's right it's WRONG. And deep down we all get that twinge when we do it, especially with family. Adopt some new grandparents for your kids, some that will treat them with dignity and respect. Not like they are DEAD.
Thanks to all of you. I know you are right, but sometimes it gets the best of me. Our lives are really good since leaving the JW's and moving away. I just look and my daughter and know that whatever life she chooses I will always love her. Same goes for my son, of course. The love I have for them is imeasurable and I think thats why it hurts more to know my mom doesn't have that for me or them. But, I do have a lot more than many. I have my husband and kids and a good life. I keep telling our kids that, but it's hard for them to understand it. I seemed to be able to deal with it better before I saw the affect on my daughter. That protective instinct kicked in.
I don't think I'll send the letter. I'm sure she won't read the "apostate" material anyway. But it felt good writing it.
Funny how its ok for her to associate with my siblings that were never baptized, including one who was dealing drugs for 7 years and 2 who had kids out of wedlock, but not me.
I think she wants a relationship, but she WON'T let go of the WTS and she won't admitt that they could be wrong.
This is her decision, and she has chosen an organization over YOUR KIDS. This is exactly when I let my mom go. Why would I want a grandmother like that for my kids anyhow? God forbid something happen to me and her and her people end up raising him and then do the same thing to him when he grows up. It's too terrible.
I know I may catch hell for saying this, but, good parents do not abandon their children over a matter of religion, period.
Please don't let her make you feel guilty about this. You are not the one doing anything wrong, she is.
