The continuing saga of being in love with a Witness

by starcrossedpimp 33 Replies latest jw experiences

  • Will Power
    Will Power


    how are things? how did it all turn out? I just re-read your thread from last year.

    I am in the same boat so am very interested how are things 1 year later?

    an update would be in step with "the continuing saga" .....


  • mkr32208

    Are you having sex with her? Maybe is she manages to get herself df'ed her parents would kick her out and she could move in with you! Problem solved!

    The only reason I would play along is if she said she does not believe this is true but is doing what she need to do to remain under her parents roof... If she belives this is the truth you should move on...

  • RebelliousSpirit

    Wow, I am almost in tears reading your story. You want the opinion of a non-JW, who is also not an ex-JW, who has also been in love with a JW for 7 years?

    I met my husband while he was disassociated 7 years ago (he was 20, I was 22). Much to the JWs chagrin he moved to where I live (250 miles from where he's from), moved in with me as friends to get away from the pressure put on him to be reinstated, and after someodd months we realized we were in love. A year and a half later we were married - he loved me, he knew what marrying me and not "going back" could cost him, he never looked back.

    Fast forward 6 years to last May, when I offered my support if he wanted to be a JW again. For years I had also called the JWs a "cult", I hated all of the pain they caused my husband. But something always seemed to be missing in him, he had NO relationship with God whatsoever (I am a practicing Catholic), and we had children who needed their father's spirituality. But for all those years he thought God hated him for leaving the JWs - and I guess the ONLY way he saw to rectify that was to go back. I didn't like it, but I love him, so I supported him. He has been reinstated since October, and it has not always been easy. Here's where I can relate to you:

    Even though I vowed it would never happen, I found myself studying beginning in August last year. I somehow thought that I could become a JW and spiritually unite our divided family. That's something that is VERY important to me. And I thought, "What's the big deal if I become a JW anyway, it's just another religion". I wanted to do this for my husband, and for his parents, and for the benefit of our children. But it's starting to backfire ...

    I've been studying for 5 months now, and instead of understanding God better (I've always been a spiritual person who loves God), I feel like I don't understand anything about God anymore. Studying has turned me in circles, I barely know which way is up anymore. Everything would be just fine if I was willing to accept the faithful & discreet slave thing, and thusly the blood policy which would require me to allow my children to DIE should they ever need blood. I thought studying would help me come to see that this is God's will - but that's a no go thus far. I can't reconcile it in my head, and I'm a smart woman (which is my downfall according to the JW's).

    I guess what I'm trying to say is that while it's noble of you to want to study to be united with your GF - DON'T let anyone pressure you into it, make you think you HAVE to do it - you will fail. Maybe not now, but later - if it's not in your heart, if you can't come to believe it 110% - you risk being DF in the future. And what would that do to your relationship with your GF, her parents, etc? Be sure of what you're doing BEFORE you do it. Because once you study, if you "reject" their truth, they will see you in a far worse light than they see you now.

    I guess my questions would be - is it in your GF's heart to remain a JW, or does she remain out of fear? If it is out of fear, is it really smart for you to join her as a JW to live your lives that way?

    There is no easy answer for your dilemma, but I feel for you. I hope you work things out. And be careful ... this is not as simple as it might seem. Lord knows I've learned that the hard way.

  • Buck


    dude, iam in a situation very similar to yours. we've been going out for over 1 1/2 yrs. after about 6 months of going out, I started studying. We are totally in love and dedicated to each other. I cant see myself without her. But Ive painted myself into a corner. The feeling is I cant just tell her I want no part of religion. I would recommend you telling her the way you truly feel. If you dont want any part of religion or their rules tell her. If you will study and maintain a open mind about the material being presented to you and also accept the JWs have the truth, go for it. Iam not critical of either path. This may be the religion for you or maybe not. Its your choice.

    Just remember that there are other matters here then just you and her. Its been easy for my to say " I make my own decisions and stand by them". But she still lives at home and has to respect their rules. The one thing that haunts me, and I hope it wont you, is the family/religion dynamic. If she chooses you and leaves religion...then her family kinda cuts off communication, will she grow to resent you later. If you join the religion and later want no part of it, will you resent her for telling you to go in in the first place. Look at the future, kids, meetings, holidays, etc. Take a honest look at yourself in the mirror and where you see yourself in a couple of years. That includes career.

    No one on this board or anywhere else can tell you what to do. Just get all the info and make your own decision. Just discuss everything with her career, kids, meetings, field service, holidays, your family and hers, etc. Leave nothing out.

    I wish i could do some of these things before things get too painful.

  • starcrossedpimp

    Wow - all sorts of advice. Thank You. Regarding more information about her: yes she was baptized at 14. We did do things that I guess would be considered "loose" behavior and that is why she did have a judicial committee. I guess I never mentioned that. I really am not in the dark about things regarding the religion. She was PRIVATELY reproved (which is another option-maybe not option per se) and she was to change her behavior. This would be considered repentance I guess. Although we have kissed since then. I'm not going to completely devote my life to a religion for a girl. I just want her to see that at least I'm giving it a try. It is true that there should be some sort of compromise, but I'm dealing with JW's here. If I have to let her go I will and "give her the gift of missing me". Another important fact that I forgot to mention is that since last january, she and her family have been planning to move to virginia. They were supposed to go in June, but we had the hurricanes here in Florida and It couldn't happen. So now that this situation is out in the open, i think her parents are doing everything they can to speed up the move- to get her away from me. Because that's what these people do. Instead of dealing with things like this in a sensible manner, they just remove themselves (or their daughter) from the situation. I guess the other party involved doesn't matter. It is very frustrating sometimes. I know I probably sound somewhat pathetic for going through this, but it IS for a reason.

  • Stefanie


    I LOVE your screen name!

    What made you pick it?

  • Dustin

    I feel your pain. I'm so sorry that you are having to go through all of this. I once was in a similar situation, except I was the JW who loved the non JW girl. We worked together also. My advice is this, tell her you love her, but you don't love her religion. Trust me when I tell you that nothing is worth the hell you will go through if you try and do this for her. It doesn't work out, unless you are willing to not go out with her, then dedicate your life to the religion, then you can finally go out together again after you become baptized. It's not a fun thing to go through. And this religion is a cult. If you both love eachother enough though somehow it will find a way to work out. Just don't let her slip away. If you ever want to talk about it, I've been there. You can PM me here on this site, or e-mail me at [email protected]. Best wishes to both of you.


  • a friend in need
    a friend in need

    starcrossedpimp: what a name!

    It sounds like you and your gf really do love each other. Can you be the bigger person and let go? It will save you both mountains of problems in the future. She probably wouldn't agree now but someday she will realize it's for the best. Ever try mixing water and oil? That will be what your future with her will be like. Believe it or not ... there is another girl out there more suited to you ... and you deserve to be happy :)

  • what_Truth?

    There is no compromise with the JW's. Don't expect that you can just study the bible with one of them and everything will be okay. They will expect your studying to lead to a genuine belief which will lead to baptism which will lead you to become a life long member who follows whatever "truths" and beleifs they throw your way. Now Suppose you go through with the whole process. Eventually you get married and later on decide that you don't beleive their "truth" or no longer want to live their lifestyle. They may encourage your wife to leave you, even though it is officially against their rules. your best to get everything out in the open now.

  • undercover

    This is a tough deal, and I feel for you....but I'm not so sure that you and the JW g/f are so much in love as you are infatuated or something else. I remember you saying that she is 18. Eighteen may be an adult to some, but most JW kids are not very mature at 18. They have lived a sheltered life and are pretty naive about the world outside of the Kingdom Hall. I don't think she's ready to make a committment to you or anyone else. I don't think she can handle losing her family just to be with you. I don't think you can handle being the guy who stole their daughter away from them. If she runs away with you, it won't work. If you become a JW just to win approval from her or her family, it won't work.

    The best advice I can give, and this is going to hurt....break up with her and move on with your life. It hurts, I know, it hurts like hell, but better to hurt for a little while and move on than to be miserable for the rest of your life. You have stumbled into a sad situation and it will never work out to anyone's satisfaction. If nothing else, agree to some time apart. If it's love, then when you do reunite later, it'll still be there. If it's not love, you'll soon move on. Not that you'll ever forget her, she will still have a special place in your heart, but your life and her life will probably be a lot easier in the long run.

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