I must have worn my elders out as well, I kept requesting that they come and pray me into a better condition, sometime thereafter I just learned to suffer in silence.
I stopped reading at the book study, my guilt could not be contained, to the point that I almost felt that everyone knew what was going on, my being a single brother, as well as not having the predetermined boundaries required when being JW, that being, don't admit to any failings or character flaws within the Org., at least not to regulars.
I took the confess your sins scripture way too literally, then I couldn't understand why everyone kinda' started lookin' at me strange. Word gets around fast in the Hall I guess.
So some 18 months after being baptized, I did the only good thing a reasonably guilty conscienced Christian individual would do, I commited my self to spiritual suicide by taking myself out. You know, the same way the mob comes out to getcha' when you've made such a huge mistake, " Do it for your family, your wife and kids ", so to speak, and they hand you the weapon, you go somewhere out of sight and then....
I never had the courage enough to commit suicide, that takes real guts, or someone so twisted that they feel being dead would be better than having the curse of being a corpse just waiting to lie down.