Do you have to respond?

by JustTickledPink 19 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Mulan

  My mother used to say things like that too. I used to take her on and debate the comment. Then we agreed to stop doing that and just be friends, mother and daughter. Now if she slips and says something like that, I laugh and then she laughs too.

  One time was when the congregation read a disassociation letter about Princess and Steve. I was angry that they said they did it themselves, and told Mom that much. She said "oh I didn't know they WANTED to be JW's". I just looked at her and burst out laughing, it was so ridiculous. It worked though.
• 

  zen nudist

  tickled your problem is one of expectations.....

  remember in the other thread about seeing the perfection of each moment?

  that means accepting the REALITY of a situation without expecting it to be what it is not....

  you yourself said that if she were NOT a JW you would still have difficulties.... but because she is a JW, she is hitting on a sore spot in you... which you feel needs defending.... but if she were hitting on a sore spot from another part of your life, would it be any different? probably not. so you need to see that it is your expectation that is causing you grief, nothing she is saying.... because if you accepted that she was disturbed and these are the rantings of a disturbed person and that is just the hand that reality is dealing her... you would not expect your replies to have any real impact... which currently you do, even if you dont see it easily.
• 

  JustTickledPink

  I understand the expectations and dissapointments. But there is a difference between knowing something in your head and feeling something else in your heart. I continue to try though.
• 

  chrissee

  why georgia,

  I ask my girls what they talk about. So far I don't think she talks much about the 'truth' to them. When in Florida I told my girls they could go to the hall if they wanted. (I think that was just to save face with my folks.) My girls who are 10 & 11 chose to stay with me. Of course, we were doing other things, I mean, it was our vacation!

  I just try to 'not rock the boat'. I let her do most of the talking on religion and I find myself chaning the subject.
• 

  zen nudist

  I understand the expectations and dissapointments. But there is a difference between knowing something in your head and feeling something else in your heart. I continue to try though.

  there really is no difference, however you are not a single mind, but a collection of hopes dreams and desires, and while what Transactional Analysis people would call your
  Adult ego state understands other parts of you known as the Parent and Child do not.... think of it like you have a child who is being hurt by its irrational beliefs, you as its parent must try to teach it the correct view of things and assure it that all will be ok.... this child will not GET IT right away, but you must persist.... in our case, our inner child is more like an inner horse we are riding.... it does not speak to us in words, but in feelings.... and sometimes very powerful ones which can over whelm us as riders... this is why we often feel so internally divided... this inner core part of us also is connected and controls our body in general and if we mistreat it, it can make us violently ill when doctors can find nothing wrong.
• 

  Gill

  She's trying to SAVE you JustTickledPink! Mums can be like that, a real pain in the ass and a double pain in the ass when they're JWs. She may be counting her time and you might be a return visit. I'm pretty sure that's what my mum does.
• 

  steve2

  I don't consider my reply to be complete in the sense of addressing the unique features of coping with a parent who is a JW, but I have found it helpful to see many of the patterns in parent-daughter or parent-son interpersonal relationships in terms of fairly predictable patterns of human behaviour.

  For me, the first step in my coming to terms with strained relationships within my family was seeing most of the patterns as (you must excuse this term, I do not mean it literally) "normal" (that is, in many families, relationships are already strained or "not quite right" anyway, and the religious factor just solidfies the differences.

  It also works the other way: I've seen cases where the parent-child relationship was pretty sound and robust anyway, and when the son or daughter left the JWs, the parent made a good adjustment to it. These are extremes, I know. But there's nothing like viewing one's behaviour in a wider framework in which you begin to develop a greater tolerance for uncomfortable reactions and for changes in relationships over time. It may call for just letting so things go and periodically questioning your assumptions about how relationships "should be".

  Having said this, I do have heaps of empathy for your situation JustTickledPink! steve2
• 

  OldSoul

  TickledPink: Do you have to respond?

  TickledPink: I understand the expectations and dissapointments. But there is a difference between knowing something in your head and feeling something else in your heart. I continue to try though.

  You don't have to respond. But if you want to respond, I would suggest getting some ground rules laid, setting some boundaries.

  Maybe you could explain to your mother that you have turned your back on the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society and that you are not interested in anything they have to say on any subject. That could open the door for you to get her to explain her views from a different basis than what the WTBTS says is truth. It is an effective way to get JWs to start thinking on their own.
• 

  jgnat

  I had to sort out a lot of my ambivalent feelings before I was reconciled to a new relationship with my mentally ill mother.

  First of all, are you still struggling with any loss with your mother? For instance, grieving the loss of a normal childhood or the loss of natural mother-daughter kinship? I was very angry with my mom for getting sick on me and not being available during my adult years. If you have similar issues as mine, work through those feelings first, and maybe some of the current anguish and tug-of-war will dissipate.

  I don't bother addressing the manipulative/sick part of mom anymore. I ignore that woman, hang up on that woman, don't have anything to do with that woman. If I alert her doctors when she seems to be behaving irrationally, I don't apologize for doing it. I reward and reinforce any positive behavior my mother displays. Everytime she reponds normally, such as writing a nice letter, I respond in kind. I am saner, she behaves better.

  Two are needed to keep a war going. If you stop your internal battle, her flailings about with the JW stuff will just be a bunch of fluff you can wave off. For instance, as soon as she brings up the JW stuff, you may respond with a stock answer. "I am happy that you find satisfaction with the WTS, mom, but I promise you, I will never go back." If she persists, repeat your answer until she gets bored. Toss out anything she mails you. Delete her e-mails or block them. Stop responding until she starts behaving normally again.
• 

  PinTail

  Continue to love your mother, she may be havinng a hard time emotionaly and need to be kind to her.

  As far as the Troof is concerned back away if its making you sad.