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Jehovah's Witness Accidentally Eats Candy Cane
| ABOVE: Kimberly Flemmel Mourns Her Excommunication From The Jehovah's Witness Congregation After Eating A Candy Cane |
SEATTLE, WA - Jehovah's Witness Kimberly Flemmel was expelled from her church community last week after eating a candy cane during a routine neighborhood recruitment trip. The 39 year old Washington native pleaded ignorance on her part, but her claims were not considered by her Church's elders.
Flemmel and her partner, Nicholas Stamanheimmer, were reaching the last stretch of the neighborhood designated to them for ?recruitment? when she accidentally tasted the forbidden fruit of Satan. The purpose of the exercise, as it is for all of Flemmel's faith, is to knock on each door in the neighborhood and accuse the residents of being sinful and blatantly evil. Witnesses claim that if residents don't change there ways they are going straight to hell, in an inadvertent manner...
Despite being ridiculously bothersome, the entire process is highly unsuccessful with studies showing that one out of every 8,000 houses visited by Jehovah's yielding a family unintelligent enough to join the faith. This lucky family will be subject to a seemingly uneventful life with the Jehovah's Witness belief that all holidays are inherently evil, including Easter, Halloween, Birth Day's, and Christmas.
To participate in any part of a ?worldly activity? is the Christian equivalent of cannibalism. But it wasn't the meat of another citizen that Flemmel tasted, rather; the sweet taste of a Christmas candy cane. Flemmel claims to have accidentally eaten the Christmas snack when it was offered to her by Seattle neighborhood house wife Joan Wilkinson.
?When I saw that there were Jehovah's Witnesses at the door I invited them in immediately. Those poor folks go to house after house and receive nothing but hostility from the community. I offered them some candy without second thought about there ridiculous religious ideas. Earlier that week some candy canes were on sale, being out of season, and I added them to my candy dish. Had I realized that the Witnesses couldn't eat them I wouldn't have been so generous. I guess you'd say I have sort of a soft spot for gullible idiots.?
Kimberly's former church pastor, Owen Smith, was relentless in holding Kimberley responsible for her terrible sin. ?It is very well known that Jehovah's Witnesses do not celebrate any holidays or birthdays especially Christmas! If I were to believe Kimberly's claim that she tasted the gluttonous candy of Satan by accident, which I don't, there is no number of new Witnesses that she could recruit to save her,? said Smith.
Flemmel's religion selling counterpart, Nicholas Stamanheimmer, was charged as an accomplice to Flemmel's sinful indulgence and was banned from all youth related activities for two years. Stamanheimmer claims to have been oblivious to Flemmel's actions and admitted he should have been ?more conscious of Flemmel's taste for worldly things.? Saying that, ?Flemmel had invited me to play tennis at the local recreation center on several occasions. I told her that we had plenty of time for recreation after we reached utopia [heaven] and that we needed to convert 3,000 more people before we could secure our spot there.?
Though Stamanheimmer admitted his misjudgment of Flemmel's character he believed he was treated unfairly by the church. ?Though I should have had a closer eye on Flemmel during our time together, I think that a two year ban from youth activities is a bit excessive,? he claimed. Church pastor Owen Smith did not agree with Stamanheimer's claims. ?The Jehovah's Witness Community will not tolerate the consumption or purchase of holiday related goods. Any one who violates this rule must be made into a spectacle before every one starts,? said Smith.
The Jehovah's Witness Community hopes that every thing will get back to normal within the next few days. High ranking officials fear that those who oppose the indefinite suspension of Flemmel might revolt causing a domino effect of Jehovian disobedience. ?Events like this one cause wildness and unruly behavior, especially among our younger Witnesses,? said Dr. Kevin Wright, author of the revered Jehovian philosophy book, The Jehovah's Witness. ?Events like this one in Seattle could lead to other irrational behavior such as the viewing of a primetime sitcom or the refusal to wear black socks with dress pants."
Kimberly has already filed an appeal to the Jehovian high court and has sought temporary gratification by applying to the girl scouts and several door-to-door magazine companies.