I have tried to put on a brave face lately but I think I need to release some tears and emotion. (Ok, it's starting already... )
(I have made posts lately as formerout but I am now back on as outbutnotdown, as I had been for a year and a half earlier...password lost. Some of you may remember some of my story.)
I am now at the stage where I am waiting for a Judge's decision on what will happen regarding my access to my kids. I think my case was pretty strong, mostly because my kids and I have suffered greatly already by my ex-wife's attempt to do anything to keep them from me. The Judge finally got to hear that evidence.
Which brings me to the next concern:
I think my ex-wife sees the writing on the wall as far as the Judge goes, but she has a completely different belief as to what I will do. The Judge was supposed to have a decision by last Wednesday but we are still waiting. Whatever he decides, no matter what the punishment may be for her contempt, I will not keep my kids from her. My four kids need their mommy as much as they need me. Losing my mother to the JW's rules and the loss we have both suffered from that has taught me that lesson well enough.
When my ex and her family were in court they tried to say that they had abided by all the previous Judge's orders. They hadn't at all and I think the Judge saw that. For the past week and a half, though, they have gone even further than before in cheating me out of seeing my kids. My kids are 10,7,6,4...B,B,G,G. My two girls have NEVER said they didn't want to come to see daddy, yet they did this week. My boys, being older, have, only because they have suffered my ex-wife and her JW family's negative influence for a longer period of time. My heart aches for what they must be getting told lately, in order to warp even the girls' minds so much.
My intention is not to do anything other than impart positive influence on my kids once I am able to spend more time with them. I have seen the effects of that enough to know that it does wondrous things for kids' psyches especially.
My emotions have been put through the ringer lately. I know if the Judge gives me "control" of the kids, my ex-wife will not suffer, but my kids will benefit greatly. But what if my having to represent myself in court has left it where the Judge does not see that? When will this situation of limbo end? I am at the point where I want answers.......... my kids need answers... but my heart is breaking with the wait. I can feel my children's pain. It seems as though my pain, having been experienced because of good intentions will be rewarded, but it is tough to keep myself reminded of that.
What's next? Your thoughts are appreciated.