I've just had an epiphany...

by Billygoat 24 Replies latest members private

• 

  outoftheorg

  An epiphany can come at the most unexpected times.

  I had a few issues with my dad. Basically he was a good man. But when I came he was 56 and in ill health. The family as a whole, was in bad shape and not prepared for a new baby.

  I knew him as a quick tempered grouchy old man, hard to please. He seldom drank alcohol but if he did he seemed to look for a fight.

  One time after he had passed away I was pondering the past and trying to make sense of his conduct.

  Suddenly this phrase " dad was an alcholic " came into my mind.

  I had this sudden feeling of a weight falling off me or a mental relaxation. It wasn't me, dad was a grouchy old alcholic with lots of pains and frustrations trying to tollerate a young boy child and his difficult life the best he knew how.

  An equally odd experience came when I said in front of my sister " dad was an alcholic ".

  This caused her to spring up with anger and deny this. Her anger was too great to even be able to discuss this with her.

  I had disturbed her system of denial, opening an area she feared.

  She held on to and fought any suggestion that threatened that system of denial.

  Aren't family dynamics great?

  Outoftheorg
• 

  Fleur

  Out: that denial can make you crazy. My parents did the same thing when I tried to tell them that my one sibling was an alcoholic. They refused to believe it for a long time. ((((out))))

  Andi!!!!!! I am so proud of you sweetie! You are absolutely right, you are absolutely making so much headway through so many difficult issues...Just so proud of you. Totally, incredibly proud!!!

  ((((((((((((Andi))))))))))))))

  love,

  essie
• 

  Xandria

  My dad's a jerk. He's not just a jerk towards me. It's not how he was raised. It's what he's chosen to become. AND IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME. Oh my goodness...this feels so good. It's not my fault.

  Andi,

  My sister Tamar and I both have worked out that conclusion too. With my stepfather (her father). You cannot control what he does, nor should you feel bad when he choses to do a bad behavior. You aren't responsible for that, I have also learned that I can control my responses to this behavior.

  If anyone feels "upset" or comes to me regarding his behavior. I simply tell them, " Go speak to him about it" I have no influence on how he presents himself.

  Aren't epiphanies just so mind freeing!

  X.
• 

  outnfree

  When the student is ready, the epiphany will come.

  So true, Jerry!

  I'm very happy for you, (((Andi)))! I've been having lots of epiphanies this past year and I am absolutely LOVING it! I'm glad you've had this very important one.

  One other thing you might consider: You are not responsible for reimbursing your dad's buddies for the shipping-and-whatever expenses, either. They CHOSE to send the items. He CHOSE to be ungrateful. You don't have to make up for his shortcomings anymore. Unless you choose to. But it would be better if it were a deliberate choice, rather than an shame-induced obligation, don't you think?

  Brenda
• 

  Jankyn

  Gosh, I love to hear this kind of story. ((((Andi))))

  I tend to call such moments either a "moment of clarity" or "being suddenly struck sane." It happens every once in awhile, often when I don't expect it.

  I had lived for years under the mistaken belief that, if I'd only been a better daughter, my mother wouldn't abuse me. If I'd accepted the "truth," if I'd gotten baptized and become a pioneer, if I hadn't gone to college, if I hadn't come out...and the real Truth is that, even when I was a good little JW girl, answering in meetings and going in service, she still mistreated me. It was never about me. I could be exactly what she says she wants, and she still wouldn't be satisfied, because she's never happy and someone's going to pay for it, period.

  What a relief.

  Of course, that realization came after double-digit sobriety and a significant amount of therapy, I might add.

  Love to you.

  Jankyn (firm believer that life is good and it keeps getting better)