On the 1st day of Christmas:
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 14, 1994
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman delivered
a partridge in a pear tree. What a thoroughly
delightful gift. I couldn't have been more
surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
On the 2nd day of Christmas:
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 15, 1994
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.
Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted
at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
On the 3rd day of Christmas:
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 16, 1994
Dearest John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I really
must protest. I don't deserve such generosity,
Three French hens. They are just darling but I must
insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
On the 4th Day of Christmas:
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 17, 1994
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds. Now
really, they are beautiful but don't you think
enough is enough. You're being too romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
On the 5th Day of Christmas:
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 18, 1994
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered 5
golden rings; one for every finger. You're just
impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds
squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Agnes
On the 6th Day of Christmas:
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 19, 1994
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese
a-laying on my front steps. So, you're back to
the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where
will I ever keep them? The neighbors are
complaining and I can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
On the 7th Day of Christmas:
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 20, 1994
John:
What's with you and those crazy birds? 7 swans
a-swimming. What kind of terrible joke is this?
There's bird shit all over the house, and they
never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at
night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny.
So stop sending me all these birds!
Sincerely,
Agnes
On the 8th Day of Christmas:
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 21, 1994
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do
with 8 maids a-milking? It's not enough with all
those birds and 8 maids a-milking, but they had to
bring their cows! There is shit all over the lawn
and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me,
smart ass.
Agnes
On the 9th Day of Christmas:
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 22, 1994
Hey! Shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's 9
pipers playing. And boy, do they play. They've
never stopped chasing those maids since they got
here yesterday morning. They cows are getting upset,
and they're stepping all over those screeching
birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have
started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Agnes
On the 10th Day of Christmas:
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 23, 1994
You Rotten Sadist,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't know why I
call those sluts ladies. They've been messing with
those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't
sleep and they've got the diarrhea. My living
room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of
Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why this
building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it.
On the 11th Day of Christmas:
Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 24, 1994
Listen! Looser,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids
and ladies. Some of those broads will never walk
again. Those pipers ran through the maids and
have been committing sodomy with the cows. All
23 of the birds are dead. They've been trampled
to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied,
you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
On the 12th Day of Christmas:
Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
December 25, 1994
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12
fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to
inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All
correspondence should come to our attention.
If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein
at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have
instructions to shoot you on sight. With this
letter please find attached warrant for your
arrest.
Cordially,
Badger, Bender and Cahole
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I have no idea who originally wrote this - my family had it years ago and I was able to locate it on the web.