I am new to this board (although I have "lurked" on and off for the past few years and feel that I know many of you already. Thank you for the huge help your comments have been).
I will give a brief bit of background and then ask for some advice. My mom was baptized when I was very young and I was raised in the truth, along with my siblings. I was baptized when I was 16 and after high school graduation pioneered for five years. I had numerous doubts growing up, but told myself (and prayed to Jehovah and told him) from an early age (11 or 12) that the 1914 generation teaching was my "out": if the Society ever changed its teachings about this policy it was my sign that it was not the truth and that I should leave. After the district convention during which the society changed its policy (1995, I believe?) I made my decision, but it still took me a couple years to get the guts to leave. I've read with interest all the posts regarding "fading". I guess due to my overachieving personality, this never seemed like an option to me. In fact, the last month that I was active, I auxiliary pioneered. The month I left I got married to an "unbeliever" (this seemed like a good excuse for an "out" and I barely knew him at the time, but miraculously, seven years later, we're still happily married). I somehow convinced my mother (who was understandably devastated) and the elders in my congregation that I was just stressed out and needed a break and some time to think. A few months later, my husband and I moved across the country. Aside from a shepherding call (during which I was very pleasant but didn't talk much) arranged by my mother in our new location, I haven't had any contact with witnesses since.
Here's my dilemma: my mother (and my siblings, who are active witnesses) think that I am "inactive" but still believe it is the truth (which I definitely don't). My husband and I have recently begun to attempt to start a family. We would like to raise our child/children in a "normal" way. Since leaving the witnesses, I have voted, exchanged gifts for birthdays and holidays with other relatives and friends, watched R rated movies, etc. I have kept all of my "worldy activities" a secret from my family, which has been difficult at times. Obviously, after having children, my mother will wonder why I'm not raising them in accordance with "my" beliefs and keeping this a secret will be much harder. What should I do? I'm tired of pretending that I still believe it's the truth, but I don't want to lose my family. My mother very much "toes the line" and talks to the elders about everything. She is also extremely emotionally unstable and I know that even in my "inactive" state, I still provide her with a lot of emotional support. Can I still be disfellowshipped after all these years?
Thank you :-)