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karategirl

having been taught that dating is only when you are ready for a marriage mate and then you get married forever, I was so quick to commit. almost got married after 6 months to the first boyfriend I ever had when I was 18, a jw of course. then i saw the light and didn't do it. left the truth a little later and went crazy. partied and had some escapades. it was great, then I crashed. wanted commitment, as i had been taught. unfortunately, an abusive and cruel man saw that and pounced. six years of hell ensued.

now, been single for four years and have managed to have only short term sexual partners. no matter how hard i try, i cannot feel anything for anyone. only lust. tried to date one guy for about three months and the whole time i felt suffocated and anxious. couldn't wait for him to leave, didn't even care if he didn't call. was actually relieved when i found somthing that was bad enough to dump him.

the ironic catch, i still just want a healthy and committed relationship but i am so disillusioned about what is healthy and what is love and whether I am capable of it. i mean growing up around jw marriages and then experiencing mine doesn't leave much room to know. still don't know anyone in a healthy relationship. sad

does anyone else have this problem?

gdt

well karate kid... not sure if i could contribute any thing much to you, my own kids sound much like you, as a marriage celebrant (and justice of the peace) and still a witness, i do see and listen to lots like yourself. Being honest, your own happiness is not going to be enhanced by 'flings' or men just using you, and with your upbringing, you know the principles for right and wrong, and whether we like it or not the bible principles usually help, not hinder. Just go calm, try to be nice, bury the lust for a while..!!) ok? and keep an open mind, and one day someone will hopefully come along that will want to share your life. please do your best to stick to the truth you have learned, and don't worry about all the bad examples of who did what to who, just be yourself . May life give you many reasons to smile and be happy...an old Indian saying I got from Knots Berry Farm, years ago. Take care, gdt geoff.

AlanF

I'm probably a bad example to go off of, but I'm pretty happy with my relationship with my wife. I never sought it out, nor did she, it just happened. Perhaps that's the way it should be -- just go through life being yourself and something will come along when you least expect it. But you know it when you find it.

AlanF

avishai

does anyone else have this problem?

Did for a looonng time. A good relationship sneaks up on you. Dont worry about the whole commitment thing right off. Hang out w/ people. Don't boink them. Find the person you like. Make them work for it. Then make them work for it some more. Forget about lust, or even looking for a relationship. Go places with people. Just hang out. See what happens, and don't worry about the naked stuff. I worried about all that stuff for to long., The dubs tend to warp us one way or the other, without the middle ground of "dating"

Happy Guy :)

You say you can only feel lust and nothing more. Maybe you have deliberately closed off your emotions and ability to be intimate because of those 6 years of hell. I think it's time for you to see a psychologist where you will be assisted in bringing out your fears and dealing with them.

Aside from that Avishai has givien you some very useful comments. I wouldn't necessarily agree with the comment about a good relationship sneaking up. I think you can tell quite quickly whether or not there is a potential for a good relationship. It's a question of building it together over time not one of waiting around to see if it sneaks up (but I suspect Avishai didn't necessarily mean for it in the sense that his words convey).

Nosferatu

Attraction isn't something that can be turned on and off. It's uncontrollable when a human feels a natural attraction for someone else. Either you feel it, or you don't for another person.

I wanted a long term relationship for a while, but I wasn't finding anyone who was ideal to settle down with. I was upset about it, until I took a different view on it. I started looking at dating as a way to pass time until the ideal woman came along, and I went with that. So, all I began doing was having fun in the dating scene, and sure enough, the ideal mate came into my life.

Just have a little bit of patience, and enjoy the single life while you have it. You'll know when you no longer have to pass time.

Golf

All I can say is, you have experience on your side now. Learn from these experiences, and as someone said, someone or something will come along to make you happy and content. Guest77

Country Girl

Unfortunately, the old math equation: two halves make a whole doesn't work here. This one's different: two wholes make a whole, if you understand my meaning!

Find a group of people that share some common interests with yourself, and just *make friends*! Like Avishai said, and it's good and true advice, the best lovers come from friends. I can understand your feelings of alienation, isolation, and loneliness, we've all had them. It's important, however, to remember that you have to do what *you* want to do, and share your life with others that enjoy the same things, and share the same values, that you do. From that pool, you might find someone that you get along with *and* someone you are attracted to... But just let it flow naturally, get to know and trust that person, and you will find that it will bring along with it feelings of peace, serenity and contentment. But in the meanwhile, as Nosferatu says, just enjoy being yourself, making friends, and enjoying who you are with other people and letting them enjoy you, too.. passing the time. Eventually, it will happen for you. There is just not ONE soulmate for each of us, there are many, and you are bound to run into one of them down the road. Just give it time, and meanwhile embrace you and make yourself whole, and then you'll be ready to share a slice with someone else.. hehheh.

Good fortune on your journey.

Country Girl

shotgun

Karategirl

You do realize that loud Hiyaahhh you give just before you flip them and stomp on their groin is what messes up the relationships.

Seriously, CG is right and don't let it bother you that she called you a whole or half a whole...she keeps calling me a whole as well.

Truthfully I have found that growing up a dub and getting out at the age Moses was just starting to herd sheep has left me feeling uncomfortable with almost everyone, dubs because I am a non-believer and non-dubs because...Not sure exactly, I'm just not comfortable...must be the remains of cult control still in my brain.

Hang in there your still a youngin.

Elsewhere

Wow... look at all the single guys who came scrambling into this thread! If they start sniffing at your crotch just swat them on the nose with a newspaper.

I know what you are talking about with the whole "don't date unless you are getting married" thing. That had me messed up for a long time and prevented me from being able to date. Anytime I thought about dating someone, all sorts of thoughts of marriage would run through my mind... then I would start to question whether I would want to marry the girl before I even had a chance to get to know her... then I would run away afraid that I would have to marry someone I did not even know! Aggggggggg!!!!!

It sounds like you took a different path than I did... instead of running away, you just turned off your feelings and went nuts with the guys. I can see why an abusive guy swooped in on you... you were perfect for him. Lustful and emotionally unattached with a low self-esteem.

The only way to get through this is with time and practice... you will have to go through the scary process of allowing yourself to feel for someone.

-Elsewhere

* Woof * *Sniff* *Sniff*

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