I lost her. (page 4)

Tim Horton

Ahhhh, I'm so sorry for you and your loss. I lost my wonderful Grampa 8 years ago and I remember It as if it were yesterday. I cried my eyes out on his hospital bed when he passed on. I comfort myself in the hope that he's watching over me and loving me every second of the day. It does hurt so much at first but the pain slowly fades. I still have him in my dreams, sailing and laughing, playing cards,strolling, and swimming in
the salty ocean. You'll always have your special memories of and with your lovely Grandma. Cherish them. She was a wonderful woman who stood by you through thick and thin. I agree with Shotgun. I'm sure it is well deserved. ( HUGS) Rusty(Chris)

Fleur

Thank you everyone. it's with tired and tearfilled eyes that i am writing this now so please forgive typos.

as i was trying to explain why this is so hard for me to my husband last night (who got to know my grandma even though he was the "worldly" man I married, according to the rest of the family; she loved him).

the thing i already knew but finally managed to articulate is that this woman was, for all intents and purposes, my mother. if you think of a mother as the person who feeds and teaches and comforts and protects you, than my grandmother fit that more than my 'mother' ever has. grandma even protected me from my own parents as best she could; when i was small they would come to collect me to get me out of the way of my father's backhand and rage at life and my mother's razor tongue and wooden spoons and complete and utter emotional instability.

my grandparents were the parents to me that my parents never could be. they just weren't capable. I love my parents, i mean, they did what they could. but i learned how not to parent from them; from my grandparents, i learned how to love.

those two people are more responsible for the core of who i am than anyone else on the planet. if i could be like them...i couldn't ask for better examples of love and silent generosity to try to live up to. i don't know if i ever can but i try so hard to.

i love my parents; but honestly at so many times i felt like i was the one raising them that i don't view them in the light that most people view their parents. for most people, when they lose their parents, they lose that feeling of having a security net in the world; for me, grandma and grandpa were that net. grandpa has been gone more than 20 years and i still cry thinking of him; now that grandma is gone too i honestly don't know who made the sun come up this morning, if you know what i mean.

I just don't know how to be in a world that she isn't in. Even though the shunning of the rest of the family forced some distance between us in the past couple of years (never my doing; I begged, and i mean begged her to come live with us at so many points) that lady was my heart.

that's why it's so hard to imagine what to do now.

thanks again for listening. none of my friends have responded or said anything in response to the news, it's a big fat silence. if not for your kind words here, i wouldn't feel like anyone had heard my cries.

my (very JW, full on shunning) aunt called the house by mistake last night. my phone number was on the list of family my uncle had and she thought she was calling someone else. when she realized she was talking to my husband, she just said "oh, I guess I should try the other number" and hung up.

Loving, to the last, aren't they? Jw's are such a beacon of comfort at times like this... :(

thanks again everyone, every message here will be read by me more times than you will ever know.

love,

essie

Dansk

Esmeralda,

I'm truly sorry to learn of your loss.

Thinking of you.

Love,

Ian

Billygoat

(((((Essie))))))

I'm so sorry to hear the news. I know it wasn't a surprise, but we're never prepared are we? I know it hurts when our "friends" don't respond to our pain. But it might be because so many people don't understand how important your grandmother was in your life. I'm not close too my grandmother, as she is very dysfunctional and emotionally abusive. (Wonder where my dad got it from, huh?) But I'm much closer to my grandfather and his second wife. If either of them died, I can only imagine experiencing the same grief you're going through now.

Like Joy said, cry your eyes and heart out. Take comfort that we're here dear. We do want to comfort and console.

XOXOXO,

Andi

Fleur

(((((((((andi)))))))))))) thank you sweetie. i'm not being hard on my friends, i know that in cases like this people don't know what to say really, it's like when i got my diagnosis a couple years ago so many people didn't say anything cause they were afraid to say the wrong thing.

i just wish they would say something, you know?

i am comforted knowing that you all are thinking of me, and her. she was just so special, there was no one else in the world like her. i fully suspect that when they have her memorial service that they are going to have a hard time picking a location to fit all the people.

which brings up all kinds of other crud. if it's in the KH, which i know it likely will be, do i go to be snubbed by the whole lot of them or do i remember her somewhere else in my own way? i don't know what to do.

as it turns out we're taking a trip pretty soon to somewhere that was very special to grandma and me (coincedence, it was planned before her accident) and i'm trying to think of a way i can remember her and say my goodbyes there. it also happens to be in the state where she passed away.

thanks again just for listening everyone.

essie

Billygoat

Essie,

which brings up all kinds of other crud. if it's in the KH, which i know it likely will be, do i go to be snubbed by the whole lot of them or do i remember her somewhere else in my own way? i don't know what to do.

Just remember...you aren't going to her memorial service for THEM. You're going there in remembrance of her. If you go, great. If you find another way to honor your grandmother, great. Either way, it's not about THEM. THEY think it is, but it's not. It's about her.

Andi

Jankyn

(((((Essie)))))

I know this will be a tough go...my grandma died 25 years ago, and some Sunday afternoons I still reach for the phone to give her a call. It's both sad and comforting, I think.

Love,

Jankyn

Earnest

I lost a dear friend last week and this poem was read at his funeral. While I could not express the feelings I had it was somehow comforting to put feelings into words.

Funeral Blues (by W.H.Auden)
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.
Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message She is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.
She was my North, my South, my East and West
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought love would last for ever: I was wrong
The stars are not wanted now; put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

Tim Horton

Always Remember Essie, as I do. You have your grandparents blood and heritage flowing through your veins. Carry it proudly. The essence of them. Now, forever and always. You are so much like your wonderful Grandmother, you don't even know. Take out a picture and see the resemblance. It's all there. Take care my friend. We're all hurting with you. Rusty

Fe2O3Girl

(((((Fleur)))))))

I am very sorry for your loss.

Rachel xx

I lost her.

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