Saying "hi" leads to love and leaving your wife...

by kitties_and_horses_oh_my! 25 Replies latest jw friends

  • kitties_and_horses_oh_my!

    I've been struggling so much with some old programming that I truly feel is from the Witnesses, and my father in particular. He always told me men and women couldn't be friends -- unless they were married or related -- because they'd fall in love with each other and leave their mates. That's why you could only be friends with your own gender and were never allowed to be alone with someone of the opposite sex, even in a car.

    How do we ever get rid of this garbage that just pervades our minds? I trust my husband, I know he would never leave me and that he loves me lots. When I think about him chatting with a woman -- when I'm thinking rationally -- I know I am in absolutely no danger of losing him. But when I'm emotional I feel like he's going to run a million miles away and leave me frightened, alone, and desperately missing him. The last thing that's healthy in a marriage is a jealous, clingy, overly emotional mate, and so I end up afraid that if he doesn't leave to be with someone he says "hi" to and immediatley subsequently decides to marry, he'll leave me b/c I'm too insecure. Sometimes it feels like damned if you do, damned if you don't, you know?

  • under74

    I know. I was raised with the same crap. Most of my friends are male and I can't see not talking to them because a boyfriend was jealous. Your husband's telling you this stuff right? That he talked to so and so and she said this and that? So long as he's honest with you, you got nothing to worry about. jealousy is natural, you should have a little bit but as hard as it is you gotta suck it up. Keep a stiff upper lip, even if it's hard.

  • Lostreality


  • Maverick

    The insecurity is programmed into nit-Witnesses by the leadership. Remember the governing body are very insecure, petty, small minded men who deep down know what they teach is nonsense! They are terrified people will wake up and smell what they are shoveling. They use the WatchTower and other publications to promote the idea that JW's are inherently weak, little children, dependent on every word they utter. They want the JW's isolated, even from friends and mates, fearful, as are they, that everyone will betray if given the chance.

  • kitties_and_horses_oh_my!

    Under - no, he never hides anything from me. It's not even really about him, you know? B/c he's not the one with the problem or the hang-ups. It's just the old garbage that I haven't been able to clear out from my mind, crap that's left in there from being a dub. I actually think his friends are great for him, male or female -- it's like you said, just something you have to suck up and get through.

    Hey LostReality, thanks for the hugs! :-) (((LR)))

    P.S. - I thought after I posted this that it might seem that I'm telling his friends who are girls that I'm upset with them somehow, and that is so NOT the case -- I think it's great that so many wonderful people care -- so please ignore my petty 3 a.m. rantings.

  • under74

    Naw, you gotta right to be petty sometimes. It's better to just let it out, rather than have it fester. Anyway, I know all about 3am me :)

  • Insomniac

    Kitties- Even in the most secure and comitted relationships, it's normal to feel jealousy. Oddly, my boyfriend has more close female friends than male ones, while I hang mostly with guys. So, sure, there are moments when one or the other of us gets jealous. I tell my honey that it just means I care about him and our relationship, that we've not become apathetic.

    On a practical note, the best way to keep feelings of distrust at bay is (of course) total honesty. We don't sneak off with our friends; the other partner knows if we're going to hang out, and is usually invited to come along. It took us both a while to reach this point of trust, as I was raised a witness, and he'd had girlfriends cheat on him in the past. But, it's so much better than distrusting each other, or feeling like I either have to stop hanging with my buddies, or do so without his knowledge. Best of luck to you, and just give it time.

  • Happy Guy :)
    Happy Guy :)

    Kittens, it's a good step forward to seek answers ot your insecurities and to try and deal with them. On the other hand, your husband is married to you for better or for worse. I suggest you discuss this matter with him openly and honestly. This will allow him an opportunity to help secure your trust and will also allow him an incite into your fears. If he can appreciate the depth of these fears then he will have an opportunity to put in the extra effort to not make you feel more insecure. This may help as long as he is not made to feel like he is "walking on eggshells" all the time.

  • kitties_and_horses_oh_my!

    I think I may have given the wrong impression: it's not so much that I'm jealous of anyone, I just feel this anxiety that has nothing to do with reality, you know? It's like Pavlov's dogs: pretty soon they salivated at the sound of the bell, despite the stimuli of food no longer being present. There's just this gut thing that yells "danger" at me, despite there being no danger present. I don't want anyone to think my honey gives me any reason to be anxious -- he doesn't -- or that I don't love and respect his female friends. What I was more trying to say was that the old programming is so strong, that years of having this crap embedded in your mind leaves landmines that explode without warning.

  • LittleToe

    Nawww, he luvs ya
    Being reassured of that is no sin.

    But just to balance the scales, some - "How YOU doin'?"

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