The most frustrating, sad thing in the world
That is heartbreaking. It's horrible to feel as if you're just standing by helplessly, but unfortunately you are. If she can't see it, there is no help for her. For some reason she thinks she deserves to be treated this way. I put up with a lot of emotional abuse in my second marriage-he would yell and throw things and break things-always my things. I never realized until I got into Al Anon that it was abuse. My thinking was that he never hit me, so it wasn't abusive.
Sometimes age and maturity can get us to a place where we can see that we don't deserve to be treated that way. I would say continue to let her know you're there for her, the offer to get her to a shelter was a good idea. Also the book Women Who Love Too Much is an EXCELLENT book. I hope and pray her eyes will be opened and she will begin to value herself. And also that she won't bring any kids into that poisonous environment. Makes me shudder just to think of it.
You're a good friend. She's lucky to have you.
I told her mother. She said that she suspected something was wrong but had no idea how bad the situation really was. She committed herself to helping her daughter get out of the relationship, even if she hates her for it. I advised her to be really really careful and that I would be willing to do whatever I can to help. *sigh of relief*......
Good for you to tell her mom. just like everyone has said it takes her wanting to be gone before she will stay gone. if that makes sense. Basically, you can call the police, get someone to rough him up, whatever, she will just go right back until she is ready. give her a book as was suggested. if she can't hide something like that, a pamphlet on the signs of an abuser or codependency. she can read it quick and get rid of it.
tell her, "you can say whatever you want and make excuses, but we both know it is not right and that you deserve better. love shouldn't hit you. if he really loves you he wouldn't hurt you. but you are the one that has to live your life and when you are good and tired and can't take it anymore I am here. no one can force you but there will come a time when you will go through whatever you need to in order to finally have had enough, hopefully you will live through it. if so, call me and I will be there, no questions asked, any time day or night. but you have to be ready for that step."
also encourage her to wait having children.
I used to work with a woman just like this one you're describing. It took her a while to gain self-confidence, but she finally left the creep.
Her family helped a lot. She was completely blinded by this monster of a living-in boyfriend of hers.
Later a mutual friend of ours told me she married and soon after divorced because the guy turned out to be abussive also. I guess certain personalities tend to attract the same type of partners.
I guess certain personalities tend to attract the same type of partners
I wonder why?
You are a very good friend and that is definately what she needs right now. All the abuse and insults have made her insecure and feeling worthless. She probably feels like she won't be able to meet anyone else because I can almost guarantee that he tells her that. It's all part of his control tactics. She needs help. She doesn't sound strong enough to leave him on her own. She needs as much support as she can get. From you and from her family. This girl needs a big self esteem boost. She needs to know that she can make it without this guy. I would love to rough him up, personally. He sounds like a real piece of work. I've had a few in my life but I did manage to leave them behind. The baggage from them on the other hand takes a long time to get rid of. An abusive man/woman/person can mess you up really bad. It's awful what we do to each other as human beings. Sad really. She deserves better. Get her mom, family involved. Tell her to leave this guy. Don't let up. It could very well cost her, her life. Once she has his kids she's stuck with him. Sad, but true. Make sure she things good and hard on that. Is he going to hit her when she's pregnant. He does now!!! Books are good, get her to a councellor. Please help this girl. It sickens me to hear this crap. love a very worried panther