Should I tell her...................

by vitty 23 Replies latest jw friends

  • Big Tex
    Big Tex
    There's really no reason for you to discuss this with her at all

    I agree with Scully. Your relationship with God is your business. It's private and personal. Now if she asks you, then answer and be proud for your choice, but you are doing what you have to do, just as she is.

    My best friend is still in, and an elder still giving talks at district conventions. I'd do anything for him, as he would for me, but we've reached an understanding. Sort of our version of "don't ask, don't tell". I don't want to put him in a position where he is forced to make a choice, and I think he feels the same. But if he ever wanted to know, I'll tell him. I don't hide anything I do, and neither should you. But this is her day and it's going to be stressful enough. Be there to support her and leave this subject for another day.

  • kls

    I can't agree more with our posters and wait . If later in time it comes up fine and if it never comes up that is also fine. You are not hiding a deep dirty secret that you should be ashamed of but have seen through the Wicked WT and you should stand strong that you have beaten a cult and mind-control that so many will not even try to do, instead they sit there like a drone and play follow the leader.

  • willyloman

    I second the motion. All the motions, that is, that you do nothing before the wedding, for all the reasons cited above.

    How do you know she won't change her thinking about "the truth" (or, as one poster put it so well, "the opinion") after the wedding? For a number of reasons, some dubs are extremely let down on the honeymoon and never recover. She may come back from wherever they're going with a lot of questions in her head. You have nothing to lose by waiting.

  • Bryan


    I just went through this almost as you are about to. My daughter was married two weeks ago. About three months before the wedding she sent me a letter telling me I was not invited to her wedding, nor was I to meet her husband to be, nor call her again. She does allow me to contact her via email and letters, thankfully. She told me in her letter that her new hubby-to-be was currently shunning two of his own disfellowshipped brothers. I feel certain it was his influence on her which made her take the final stand.

    If your new son-in-law-to-be is a hardliner, he may do the same to your daughter. Remember, the man makes the final decisions! If she will marry him regardless, why does she need to know today? If your news will not change her mind on the marriage, then why bother? You will be shunned soon enough; sadly enough.

    My personal opinion and hope you find your way peacefully.


  • blondie

    vittvin, don't say anything. I agree with Scully.


  • codeblue

    I have to agree with Scully and Blondie

    Don't do anything BEFORE the wedding. Let them enjoy their wedding day.

    In the last 1.5 years I have been fading. I live far away from my kids. I only get to see them once a year.

    So I know somewhat how you feel about "wanting to tell"....You no doubt were an excellent JW Mom, like I was. We can not undue the JW training without careful planning. Babysteps are needed.

    Have you read Steve Hassan's books about "Mind Control"? The 2nd book, "Releasing the Bonds", gives stratagies for discussions with loved ones in a cult. Both are a very good "read".

    Everybody has to handle this in a way that fits according to their family situation.

    PM me if you have any questions or if I can be of any help.



  • iiz2cool

    Don't tell her. If you're trying to fade, telling anyone could force a situation where fading may not be possible.


  • frenchbabyface

    Well somehow I feel that I wouldn't ... too late ... Now as this have been too far (she gonna be married to a JW) you need to take more precautions than ever ... that means that you need to have a huge file that talks and get ready for any kind of reaction !!!

    take care ... best wishes.

  • Doubtfully Yours
    Doubtfully Yours

    Wait 'til after the wedding. It's stressful enough for her already with planning a wedding and all.


  • BrendaCloutier

    I feel for you, and hurt for her!

    You might broach part of the subject with asking her if she, deep down, has any inkling of a doubt about marrying him. Has she seen things that bring up any red flags? Tell her that you are asking these difficult questions because you have her best interests at heart. If she has even the tiniest feelings of mistrust or fear she should explore them, and you'd be happy to explore them with her.

    Come from the side that even if the wedding plans are fully in place and the invitations sent, that it is better to back out, rethink, even just postpone the wedding if she has any doubts, than to fully learn about her fiance after the wedding, and not have any way out (playing the JW's don't believe in divorce card).

    You see, I had doubts with my first marriage. I began to see what he was really like, this "fine upstanding JW man" acoholic, and what his congregation was like: hypocrites and money grubbers and snobs. But I felt it was too late because the invitations were already sent. I never spoke to anyone about this, and should have. It is one of only 2 or 3 biggest life regrets today.

    If she goes ahead and marries him, rock the boat later. Don't rock it now. Afterall, you're not DF'd or DA'd, just not attending....

    If she doesn't marry him, then tell her.

    Good luck and hugs


Share this