Should I tell her...................

by vitty 23 Replies latest jw friends

  • vitty

    I need advice. My daughter is getting married next month, she has no idea of the extent of my husbands and my fading as she lives in another area.

    The thing is she really loves this guy and will marry him come what may, but my husband thinks she should know about us before she gets married. Im worried her BF might say we cant go to the wedding or stop her seeing us after.

    Ive got a idea hes a bit of a hard liner, controlling! which worries me greatly or maybe hes just immature But my daughter would not listen if I expressed this. The thing is I know she would leave the org with us if she still lived at home. Shes not very spritual although she tries, evenmore so because of him,

    Like I said she WILL marry him, and she does have a good friends and family in the truth, but I feel ive betrayed her, abandoned her to this org but I dont want to worry her or spoil her wedding

    What would you tell her, or wait till after the wedding and tell slowly.

  • HoChiMin
    What would you tell her, or wait till after the wedding and tell slowly.What would you tell her, or wait till after the wedding and tell slowly.

    I'd tell her before the wedding. If she is as determined and in love as you say you will not harm her relationship. The outcome will be determined sooner or later anyway as to your fade and eventual shunning by "hardline JW's" predictible treatment of you.

    but I feel ive betrayed her, abandoned her to this org but I dont want to worry her or spoil her wedding

    In your own words, just never "betray" or "abandon her"


  • Nosferatu

    I'd wait until after the wedding day. Unfortunately, the JW religion takes up a large part of one's life and, no matter how you put it, it will have a huge effect when you tell her. If you tell her before the wedding, you stand a chance of not being invited. Let her enjoy her happy day without worrying about the two of you leaving the org.

  • Zuko

    Dont tell her.....yet.

    Having just gotten hitched myself the last thing you want to do is drop a bomb like this on her a month before her wedding. This is the most nerve racking time (especally for the bride) of the whole process. Your fading has nothing to do with her. Dont give her something to worry over this close to her wedding. Besides it could be very unsettling to say the least if a whole bunch of Dubs are at the wedding with you and know you are leaving. It will make you and her uncomfortable which is how neither of you should go through that day. It is her day, dont take attention away from her. Telling her something like that could be like telling her one of you died before her wedding.

    Just wait

  • candidlynuts

    i'd say after ... because if you tell her before she'll cling to the guy and he'll use his "righteousness" to his advantage against her " evil" parents.

  • Frannie Banannie
    Frannie Banannie

    I'm with Nos and Nuts...heheh

    Don't take a chance on ruining her wedding day....let it play out as it most likely will eventually.


    Frannie (who doesn't believe you've betrayed anyone at all)

  • Scully

    There's really no reason for you to discuss this with her at all. It is not going to change the outcome concerning her getting married, but it will create a rift between you and her, particularly if her new hubby decides to exercise his Spiritual Authority? and forbid her from ever seeing you or speaking with you again. This will become especially painful for you when grandchildren start to come along.

    You live far enough away that you can avoid conflict on this subject for quite some time. I wouldn't volunteer information either - what they don't know can't hurt you. In the meantime, you will still be able to speak with your daughter regularly and encourage her and empower her to be true to herself, when she has dreams that are being discouraged by the Organization. If she ever finds herself in a situation where her husband is treating her badly, she will need a place to turn and maybe a safe place to go to - and you want it to be with you, not with someone else who may not have her best interests (but the philosophy of not bringing Reproach on Jehovah?) at heart.

    Your relationship with God (or lack thereof) is nobody's business but your own.

    Love, Scully

  • shotgun

    What a predicament

    If you wait until after she'll be forced to choose between her parents and her husband, who you say is controlling...even if you tell her she can do what she wants the decision will still be there.

    If you tell her before hand the scenario is not much better and it will most likely make the wedding day a terrible strain on all.

    Timing is so important, just like timing was critical in almost all who became dubs timing is even more critical when trying to get ones out of the Troof.

    You have not betrayed her, it's impossible not to blame ourselves to some extent when we realize we were duped and in return duped our children... but try not to, look around the world and note what many devoted parents teach they're children to do in the name of religion and family...then look at yourself and realize your a pretty damn good parent. Even now, the reason your torn is because of your love for your daughter.

    I hope things work out, its a tough situation


  • vitty


    In my heart I know I cant spoil her day, its just sometimes I wake in the night sick to my heart knowing what I know, and leaving her in.

    I just hope one day she never turns to me and asks why I never told her.

    I think the problem is I dont trust her BF. If I was sure he was going to look after her, I would leave them to it. Hes already made a comment about headship!!!

    If only I had known the truth about the truth last year, I know we would all be out, I would tell them all to -------! but know I have to start playing the game and I hate it.

  • xjw_b12

    Don't tell her at all.

    Act like nothing has changed.

    She will find out herself eventually, and you will be better prepared to tell her then.

    Don't do anything to jeporadize the special day, especially if your husband is her father. There is that walk down the aisle to consider.

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