The NEED for Acknowledgement and Validation..what do you think?

by LyinEyes 16 Replies latest jw friends

  • frenchbabyface
    The NEED for Acknowledgement and Validation..what do you think?

    Victimes need is to be recognised as victime when it is about a big issue

    It's hard to go along without at least having being recognised as a victime. Also I think, I still have this need about the blood issue that my son had to face and the risk we have took that even my familly is not able to recognise in still giving bullshit about their beliefs and not wanting to check the facts that I've gave them about the WTBS lies, like I am the one who is bullshiting them actually.

    That's what keep my love for them in the shell (the less I see them and hear them the better I feel ... And when I have to and that they are trying to talke about JAh and so on, I get very aggressive or close the conversation as "you'll talk to me about this when you'll have check what I've tell you" before that forget about me when it comes to that question !"

    It helps to be understood here but it is not the same but only to stand it and wait to see if ... one day maybe ... But I'm kind of over with their denial even about what I know that they know as not conforme to the scriptures and the agape love and so one ... while always trying to put themself as so good and nice (to JAH and to other by it) in being faithfull to the WTBS and preaching their bullshit (That can kill the body and the soul/sanity).

    Also I think that this is the reason why Anthony Have closed any kind of relationship with my mother (his grand mother) He is able to tell me that he Hates HER ! (the only personne I know that Anthony hates, is my mother !!!)

    And that even if we went along with our lifes ... the shadow is still there (and an issue for me)

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee

    The need to be heard and get validation is an important part of how we see ourselves. Young children need validation constantly to help them determine their boundaries.As toddlers begin walking they take a few steps away from Mom and look back for validation that she is still there and they are OK. And then they take a few more steps and check again. As they grow the focus of the validation may change from mommy to family to friends etc.

    But within a closed community such as the WTS the only way to get validation is to follow the rules and not set your own boundaries. The self is seen as the enemy and only the "New personality" is validated. The individual must be suppressed. For those raised as JWs this creates massive problems after they leave. They must start out at square 1 testing the boundaries like the 2-yr old who is told d\"Don't touch" but touches anyways to see what will happen. As JWs the person is invisible. The true self is always encouraged to be submerged. And personal growth winds up being stunted.

    Then we get out. We have no idea about where the boundaries should be. We test and seek out validation but the old source of validation is gone. Add to that the rumors and lies that are told about us. And their unwillingness to listen to our side. We have been tried and convicted without an opportunity to tell our side whether we went before a JC or not.

    In the book Toxic Parents by Susan Forward she discusses the need for confrontation. This is a way for us to be heard. But she fully realizes that being heard and getting validation from truly toxic people is next to impossible. Confrontation then becomes more about self-empowerment than about seeking validation.

    When a person confronts another about the hurt thay have cause it has to be with the intent of speaking your truth regardless of the other person's response. It is about saying

    1. "This is what you did."
    2. "This is how it affected me then."
    3. "This is how it affects me today" and
    4. "This is what I want"

    Most likely they will not acknowlwdege what they have done. So we can't speak our truth and expect them to admit it. But once we understand the impact their hurt has caused in our lives and the power they took from us, we can find a way to reclaim that power.

    Forward recommend writing a letter. It may be given to them or read to them or kept for yourself (especially useful when the person who hurt you has died or is too dangerous to confront). Include in the letter the above 4 things. Be very specific about what happened and how it affected you emotionally, physically, cognitively (what you thought about it or yoursaelf or the world), sexually, spiritually etc. And then state clearly what you want and what you need know you won't get this from them but claim those things for yourself and will get those elsewhere from now on. The point here is to make it clear to yourself and the other person that you no longer will seek acknowledgement and validation from them. Also that you will no longer allow them to hhave power over you. You claIM YOUR OWN POWER. YOU set the limits and boundaries of the relationship from now on, not them.

    Forward then goes on to talk about the need to put the letter away for a few days and then take it out and reread it. Change what you need to change and put it away agina. Keep doing this until you take it out and there are no more changes. At that point you can decide to give the letter to the person or not. You have reclaimed the power to decide how to proceed.

    I did this a few years ago with a friend who had hurt me badly. At one point the letter was over 30 pages long. It had everything in it. But through the rewritings it eventually was only 19 pages. And since she was not a violent person I decided to give it to her to read. She wanted a copy and I refused (too afraid she would find hurtful things to do with it) - my boundary not hers. In this case she had to respond that I was right. She had done those things and based on the letter she could see why I would no longer be friends with her. I felt she heard me but I didn't need her validation. I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt what had happened and that I no longer needed her to acceptance or validation.

    A few years before this letter I had confronted my father about his abuses. I was not prepared and hoped he would apologize (Yeah right(1st mistake) My father was a violent man and I should have never gone for a face to face confrontation (2nd mistake). And while he didn't deny it he didn't apologize either. I had to back out of the house in the face of his growing rage and fortunately got out before he became violent. It did release mje from the guilt of the abuse being my fault. But I wasn'y empowered by it. I was scared to death he would hit first. I was a scared little girl again talking back to an all-powerful abused.

    As for our need for validation from those we left behind: most won't listen and telling them anything just gives them more fuel for the rumors they will tell. I know I won't get validation from them. They are controled and have no personal power to offer validation from. Personally I get it from within and knowing who I am and what I need. I get it here and other places from people who are capable of giving me what I need.

  • codeblue

    Lady Lee, that was an excellent post!

    I think that is what I have been trying to do with the 2 JW sisters that have confronted me, I want validation from them. But I know I will NEVER receive it, just judgement.

    They tell me they don't want to hear about anything "negative", but yet they are treating me with "negativity" by their judging MY spirituality: who gave them the righ to do that?


  • frenchbabyface

    Yep :

    Excellent subjet/theme Lineyes
    and Excellent Poste Lady Lee ...

    Also I feel on the right path with my familly, ... (doesn't mean I'm illed yet ... but I feel most relieved than even a few month ago) and yes somehow communicating here about the subject or others related or not, with people who went through similar experiences probably is a cyber and real hand that helps me.

    It's not the same feeling exactly about for the WTBS (than for my very personnal issue) but knowing that too many people are suffering about it and that lots of people still working for this organisation, is kind of irritating ... it stricks my mind.

  • LyinEyes

    Great thoughts on this subject ya'll, thanks for sharing.

    I tell my story to complete strangers sometimes,,,,,,,,lol....not often but I have. It is so strange when I am telling someone that I used to be a JW, and that is why they ( people here in my home town) never saw me socializing , they just seem to get it right there. Many already know how JW's are , in regards to thinking everything is "worldly", not socializing , no holidays, etc.

    I think that having this validation from the ones in your life that hurt you would seem to give you closure in a way . But, in reality there are so many people who never get that , especially from abusive parents , and the WT seems to be the same way. The WT, will not admit to anything for fear of losing their power position, and I am sure there are a host of other reasons they will never say they were wrong.

    When it comes down to it , I guess the most important validation is from ourselves, telling the truth and standing up for ourselves by not letting our abuse totally destory us.

  • Lady Lee
    Lady Lee
    The WT, will not admit to anything for fear of losing their power position, and I am sure there are a host of other reasons they will never say they were wrong.

    Exactly. Just like toxic parents they refuse to give up their power to control people's lives or accept responsibility for the hurt they cause instead blaming the victim.

    When it comes down to it , I guess the most important validation is from ourselves, telling the truth and standing up for ourselves by not letting our abuse totally destory us.

    Bang on. When you tell your story and see the shock and horror in the eyes of the other person it can validate that what you have been through is insane. Initially we all need that just like the young child. But as we go through the developmental stages in recovery we learn to validate ourselves - something JWs are not allowed to do.

  • kilroy2

    JW's will never let you talk to them much less listen to any one about anything that will be critical of thair life support system.

    Remember how many still find a way to rationalizse the 75 problem, most of the dubbers still find a way to put this behind them and move on. they are like dale on king of the hill, john redcorn is just giving my wife therapudic messages. yep mmmhu.

    You will never get a dubber to look with a critical eye on their religion.

    your best thing to do is to move on and have a life. a good life. one not filled with knocking on doors, or preparing for talks, going to 5 meetings a week, and planing your vacations around stupid assemblys filled with old bull shit designed to keep you on the edge of the end of the world seat. live and live good. vote, get involved in the world. and dont feel guilty, when you can do things that used to make you feel uncomfortable and guilty and enjoy them, you are healing, just mho

Share this