my mom is a psychodub

by Tim Horton 23 Replies latest jw friends

  • Nosferatu
    When we we're kids our bible studies felt like something out of a nazi concentration camp. Is that ironic or what? We would sit down and feel like the bible was being drilled into us.

    Study out of the Great Teacher or Your Youth book always followed a beating from my mother. It's like I was punished, and then punished even more. I always knew a beating meant an hour of torture afterwards.

    As for the suicide issue, what prevented me from stopping myself was thinking of how my worldly relatives and friends would feel. They would miss me, and I couldn't bear putting so many people through such pain.

  • jgnat

    Mrs. Tim, they are picking on you because they think you are an easy target. They think they can guilt you in to staying. Little do they know, huh?

    You are well on your way to figuring out what kind of life you don't want. Now the fun begins (and I am not being sarcastic here), you get to figure out, without the "study aids" what kind of life you want to have.

  • dorothy

    This doesn't shock me at all. I have come to expect this sort of crap from dubbies alike.

    Hugs to you though, honey. Please don't use a permanent solution for a temporary problem.

  • Midget-Sasquatch

    That is either one cold sociopath or she's so spacey she just blocks out anything she can't handle. Either way don't feel bad about telling them to back off with the proselytizing....You need them to listen to you and understand whats causing you to feel that way. Ramming in all the dub doctrine hasn't been the answer or this situation wouldn't have arisen. Tell them you want breathing space.

    I grew up in the dubs too ....Don't make the same mistake I did. I never went to a counselor because of the stigma it would have on my family. The gossip circles are horrid. I gave in/give in many times just to keep getting the CONDITIONAL love that they've been programmed to dole out. What sort of emotional toll will something like that ultimately take on you?

    Focus on your self-worth first. It'll make you able to scrap with the best of the guilt trippers and trounce them.

  • frenchbabyface

    I hope you do not consider suicide for real, life can be so much more interesting when you don't let people make you feel bad about yourself ! ... You have the right to live your way (it's your life), with or without them (not always our choice) ...

    At least you know from where comes the insensitive part of the religious nuts ! That should be enough to make you feel better about yourself (and them) and see other perspectives in life (so much)

  • Rabbit

    One thing that was really helpful to me and I know for others here, was counseling. And possibly anti-depressant medication. Hopefully you have insurance that will help.

    I had no idea that I was suffering from Major Depression when I attempted suicide, I know in my case going to a psychiatrist was very much discouraged among Witnesses, after all I "must be spiritually" sick and the thing I needed to do was "get busy" in the "preaching work" and "devote myself whole-souled to Jehovah." That's all that was really 'wrong' with me.

    The 'talk therapy' and meds and stopping meetings is really what helped me. I don't know your circumstances, but, don't be shy about asking for professional help, these people know how to help. My doctor had had experience with others Witnesses and we lived in a small town.

    Whatever pressure is put upon you guys by the JW's will be tough to swallow, I have gone thru a lot of shunning, because I will not conform to life 'in a jw box'. After a while, it will bother you less and you'll see even more how un-loving and un-Christ-like the JW's really are.

    Best wishes for you and you family.

  • kls

    They are so pathetic and i totally can relate except it is my husband that is a brainwashed cult member. He was there when i slit my wrists begging him to see what this cult really is as i bled on the floor begging he got me a towel for the blood and said it isn't a cult and didn't say another word except knock it off. There had been more but the out come was always the same . Then i found this site and when i say it saved my life i mean it, i would not be alive either in mind or even life if i had not come here . So learn to get strong and tuff or they will hurt you and beat you down and you are to good of a person to let them do that to you.

  • BrendaCloutier

    Mrs. Tim. I think about everyone here can at least relate to what you're going through.

    Me? Been there, done that, finally threw away the t-shirt.

    I don't have children, but it was my cats that kept me from suicide - several times.

    Sometimes we have to walk away from extended family to regain/maintain our own sanity. This is actually true of "worldly" people, too. My spousal unit, Kevan, had to walk away from his family for 3 years. It was with the help of a family councellor that he was able to reconcile. Unfortunately, with JW's there's usually no reconciling.

    I'm estranged (strange?) from my own family - Adoptive parents and 3 sibs and their children whom I grew up with. Raised in the "truth".

    I went through my own grief over the losses. There is a grieving process involved. But it's ok.

    There has been some really good advice given here. Do find a therapist. Preferably one who has done work with cult or "toxic faith" issues. It will help a lot.

    Do take care of yourself. You're family can't have you until you have yourself back. Remember, Jesus said
    Love God
    Love your neighbor as
    You love YOURSELF

    Right now you come first.



  • Corvin


    I told my Mom that I tried to commit suicide and she asked me who was going to have a bible study with my son. There was no other word's from her other than that. Not even a reaction. Is that pathetic or what?

    It is pathetic, but even more, it is typical IMHO.

    When I was 17, I was df'd for the first time. You know how it is; no friends, no family that will so much as even give you the time of day. It was Derision day for all of them when I was df'd. My getting df'd, for them, was my just rewards for not being a big enough hypocrite and keeping my double life a secret like they were all doing. I actually had a conscience and turned myself in. No mercy, no love, no understanding. I mean, gee, I was a good-looking 17-year-old boy and there was this hot little 16-year-old sister, and we were just horny and attracted to each other. We fell in love, we had fun, we explored. During my committee meeting, the discusting old elders needed to know every little detail of our sexual encounters. God, I hate those pathetic bastards for shaming me like that.

    But to make a long story even longer, I was depressed and all alone at 17. My mother was putting so much damn pressure on me to go back and get reinstated. I wasn't doing anything wrong, but she kept hammering me to get my life staightened out (at 18, yeah right) get reinstated or else she would throw me out on the street. Now I ask you, with no friends, no family, no money and no where to go, what the hell could I do???? One day when she was at her furious fanatical peak, she made that threat again. I said, "fine! You want me out of of here? I'm going to get way the hell out of here!" Right in front of her, to show her how much pain and fear I was in, I took an entire bottle of codeine pills, about 30. Did she show any regret or concern for her terrible words and actions or for my desperation? Nope. She just sneered like some evil amused demon who was getting what she wanted. It was truly the most evil expression I have ever seen on anyone's face. I just walked out of the house discusted and walked around town until the pill could take effect. I was ready to go, baby.

    Tim, I believe that JW's under the influence are sadistic and excuse the expression, demon possessed. I do not understand how one human could be so hateful and evil to their own child otherwise.

    Sorry to hear about your mom's non-reaction. You have my thoughts.


  • outnfree

    It sucks, (((((Mrs. Tim))))))! Your mom's non-reaction was a terrible thing!

    I am so sorry that you have been feeling so miserable that you actually tried to commit suicide. I concur with everyone who said that being a JW takes away your self-worth and, until you feel valuable, it will be difficult to heal. Please get help from a professional who will help you to see how truly valuable you are. When you love yourself, you will be so much better able to love others. (I'm working on this issue myself.)


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