The Loss of Innocence.....and Recovering

by Frannie Banannie 27 Replies latest jw friends

Frannie Banannie

In mulling over the almost 6 decades of my life, almost two decades of which were spent being enamored of just one more false religion, then spending the following decade discovering all of its deceptions, I feel a tremendous loss of innocence.
As though I were a victim of sexual assault, I don?t now believe that I will EVER recover an ability to believe or trust in anyone where religion or blind faith in anything is concerned again in this lifetime. Because, to me......that?s what faith is.....blindness.
Before I married, I believed that marriage was a "happily ever after" state of life. That turned out to be a bald-faced lie we were taught as children and there?s just too much crap that?s been dealt to me over the years from the "dating scene," even pre- and post-borganization to even THINK of considering beginning a relationship ever again.
I?ve also seen plenty of evidence that government (including the justice systems) by mankind over themselves is corrupt and there is absolutely no reason to believe there will ever be anything better. Oh, people can whitewash their actions with a lot of political hogwash and public relations hype, but in the end, it?s still hogwash....and hype.
Plenty of scientific "discoveries" have been shown to be corrupted. And if they weren?t corrupted in the process of discovery, they will be afterward. Because the discovery is always sold to the highest bidder. Or quashed from public knowledge (in the case where it might mean a financial break for consumers and short shrift for would-be marketers) by the highest bidder. This of course includes the medical and pharmaceutical professions.
I mourn my loss of innocence in all these areas, because it?s as though something precious has been stolen from me. I remember what it felt like to have complete faith or love for something or someone.....to be so absolutely sure that what or whom I believed in was absolutely the plu-perfect truth and gloriously wonderful....to have such strong convictions about those beliefs. It?s such a breathtakingly joyous feeling, that feeling of confidence in what/who we know to be true. But, when we, as humans, place our trust in something or someone....then have it shattered so completely, it tends to make us naturally suspicious and skeptical of anything and anyone similar in appearance, eh? And after all is said and done, I don?t have the will to make the effort to believe in anything that wonderful again, just to discover its "feat of clay."
If I?m beginning to sound jaded concerning life, don?t worry. I?m on a new path to discovery. Because there?s knowledge of and belief in the one thing left to me that I have "insider info" on. Myself. Like everyone else here and most everywhere on this earth, while I DO have flaws, I also have innate talents.....and I have acquired useful skills. I don?t like everything about myself, but what I don?t like I can work on to change. I can?t make those changes in politics or science or religion or relationship criteria in my lifetime, but I?m a "work in progress" in coming into my "own"....a belated discovery of self-worth.
Can anyone else here relate to any of this?
Frannie
avishai

Damn straight I realte. Thank you, I really needed to read this post. Wow. What a needed breath of fresh air. Please btt this in the am when more people are awake
Panda

Frannie, This post rang so true with me too. I hope it is one many many posters will get to read. Your words are healing rather than disquiet. The beliefs about marriage , no one tells you it is tough to live with another person who, although you love them there will be rough spaces even in the best relationships. As for WTS... I wasted 20 years but haven't wasted any time since leaving. I think that maybe we become even more driven to catch hold of our dreams. Thank you Frannie. Big Panda Hugs {{{}}}
Been there

Frannie,
I totally understand what you are saying. I was thinking not to long ago about something like that. I was wondering if people are all wired different. If something happens when you are very young, does that wire you to think a certain way forever, or is it biological. I was thinking to myself how I remember all my physical hurts growing up with great clearity. Likewise all my emotional hurts. It is if they are branded with a hot poker into my memory. With each branding a scar is raised never to be pristine again. Why does the poker of unfairness, injustice and deceit create a bigger scar then stupidity and ignorance? I don't remember the good things with the same emotional attachment as the bad.
Is it a long lost survival trait that bookmarks painfull things as dangerous. Is it adrenaline? Is this so we remember not to do it again?
I can picture my life (from birth on) as a pure white sheet hanging out on a breezy sunny day blowing to and fro. All was well until a bird landed on the line, then another and another, then a whole flock of birds came to roost on the line. At first it's not too hard to brush off a spot or two but after awhile I started getting stiff, then stiffer, then the weight of all the poop pulled me off the line. Now I'm so bogged down with bird poop if I bend at all I may break.
garybuss

Anyone who is not a skeptic after believing in the Witness group and then exiting it, has not yet really exited it.
czarofmischief

Hey, Frannie
Yeah, the hurt is real. It's hard to believe that the WT could have promised so much and yet have been completely and cynically lying to us the whole time. But:
1.) Your analogy of a marriage is perfect. They DON'T deliver all the happiness they are "supposed" to. Having realized what a marriage is, perhaps someday, with the right person, you might one day be able to build a real marriage (or not). But the problem is false expectations, not the actual institution of marriage itself. Although the institution may not be right for you. Can the same analogy be extended to faith? Without false expectations of immediate intervention or poetic justice, perhaps a faith can be built that is more realistic in its outlook? That good is a better choice than evil, although it may not reward you?
2.) Are there any good things that have come out of your experience? For instance, while it seems like bitter comfort, I often attribute my independence of thought to my experience of breaking free. My loathing of moral authority come from my JC. These are qualities that make me a stronger mortal. Is there anything that you can take away from this horrible time that might make a blanket of pride for this cold night of your soul?
3.) This too shall pass. Amazing. Sounds stupid and trite, even. But it is so true. No matter how dark it seems, this too shall pass. Ride it out. All storms blow over, sooner or later. (A bit later in Ivan's case, who flooded my hometown of Carnegie, PA, but that's a side point.) This dark emotional place will gradually wash away.
Good luck,
CZAR
Annanias

Frannjie, yes, youth is wasted on the young. Maybe that's why grandchildren have the hypnotic effect that they do, grandparents are trying for one more taste of that innocence, even if vicarious. Being There's point about the brain's wiring is an excellent point as well. Is it the fact that we lose our innocence, or the depth to which we lose it? When I read Jack London, Dickens, goodness, even Dashell Hammit, I can't help but come away with a sense of innocence in their air. It's like comparing "The Maltese Falcon", with it's intrigue and danger as a result of man's greed, to Hannibal Lecter; comparing Beaver Cleaver to John Connor, or Scarlett O'Hara to Madonna. I think our loss of innocence has become a collective thing.
Frannie Banannie

Damn straight I realte. Thank you, I really needed to read this post. Wow. What a needed breath of fresh air. Please btt this in the am when more people are awake

Thanks, ((Avishai)). (yawns and slurps coffee) I had no idea....felt kinda goofy cause I figured somebody else probably already said it.
The beliefs about marriage , no one tells you it is tough to live with another person who, although you love them there will be rough spaces even in the best relationships. As for WTS... I wasted 20 years but haven't wasted any time since leaving. I think that maybe we become even more driven to catch hold of our dreams.
Exactly, Panda (((((BIG hugs backatcha))))) I hate it that we were "fed" that fairy tale analogy ideal about marriage, instead of how to spot potential "danger" signals in a prospective mate and how to successfully deal with the crap that goes on in a relationship. Good on ya for not wasting any time since you left....I, on the other hand have had to wallow in my despair over the losses for a while and analyze where I wanted to go as a replacement life's journey.
Frannie
Frannie Banannie

I totally understand what you are saying. I was thinking not to long ago about something like that. I was wondering if people are all wired different. If something happens when you are very young, does that wire you to think a certain way forever, or is it biological. I was thinking to myself how I remember all my physical hurts growing up with great clearity. Likewise all my emotional hurts. It is if they are branded with a hot poker into my memory. With each branding a scar is raised never to be pristine again. Why does the poker of unfairness, injustice and deceit create a bigger scar then stupidity and ignorance? I don't remember the good things with the same emotional attachment as the bad.
Is it a long lost survival trait that bookmarks painfull things as dangerous. Is it adrenaline? Is this so we remember not to do it again?
I can picture my life (from birth on) as a pure white sheet hanging out on a breezy sunny day blowing to and fro. All was well until a bird landed on the line, then another and another, then a whole flock of birds came to roost on the line. At first it's not too hard to brush off a spot or two but after awhile I started getting stiff, then stiffer, then the weight of all the poop pulled me off the line. Now I'm so bogged down with bird poop if I bend at all I may break.

Great analogies, ((BeenThere)) I guess just like people have different metabolisms and their bodies handle things a little differently from each other (one man's meat is another's poison)....so do their psyches each handle things a little differently....we're each stronger or weaker in different areas of strife, eh? But...about all that poop? At least ya don't hafta "eat" poop to recognize it and move before anymore falls on ya now, BeenThere..
Anyone who is not a skeptic after believing in the Witness group and then exiting it, has not yet really exited it.
Right, Gary. It does appear that some just sidestep into yet another, perhaps milder version of the same old shpiel, eh?
Frannie
Frannie Banannie

Yeah, the hurt is real. It's hard to believe that the WT could have promised so much and yet have been completely and cynically lying to us the whole time. But:
1.) Your analogy of a marriage is perfect. They DON'T deliver all the happiness they are "supposed" to. Having realized what a marriage is, perhaps someday, with the right person, you might one day be able to build a real marriage (or not). But the problem is false expectations, not the actual institution of marriage itself. Although the institution may not be right for you. Can the same analogy be extended to faith? Without false expectations of immediate intervention or poetic justice, perhaps a faith can be built that is more realistic in its outlook? That good is a better choice than evil, although it may not reward you?
2.) Are there any good things that have come out of your experience? For instance, while it seems like bitter comfort, I often attribute my independence of thought to my experience of breaking free. My loathing of moral authority come from my JC. These are qualities that make me a stronger mortal. Is there anything that you can take away from this horrible time that might make a blanket of pride for this cold night of your soul?
3.) This too shall pass. Amazing. Sounds stupid and trite, even. But it is so true. No matter how dark it seems, this too shall pass. Ride it out. All storms blow over, sooner or later. (A bit later in Ivan's case, who flooded my hometown of Carnegie, PA, but that's a side point.) This dark emotional place will gradually wash away.

Thanks, ((Czar)). Yep, precisely (re: marriage) false expectations....and I think the same analogy *can* be extended to faith, because we've been fed a bunch false expectations in all the arenas I mentioned. And I think "good" is what is proclaimed as good by the particular society we live in....take for example...a tribe of cannibals...could you, having been thoroughly indoctrinated into the beliefs professed by our society, enter into and eventually embrace a lifestyle of cannibalism? This may seem extreme, but that's how extreme a reach it seems IMO to extend myself to believe in much of anything out there again.
As for #2, yep...same as you. Independent thinking to the max and a loathing of moral and even corrupt judicial authority, and this changes me, not them. And that's good, Czar.
Sorry to hear about your hometown, ((Czar)). Hope no one you know was harmed or lost.
#3 doesn't feel like it ever will....this "bird" feels like it's here to stay. And I'm just trying to make sense of the aftermath and finding some pieces of me to pick up and salvage from this mess.
Frannie

The Loss of Innocence.....and Recovering

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