I remember standing there in the evening light of a setting Texas sun in the middle of a Federal Prison with a chilled wind whipping up dust devils around me. I was twenty years old and so skinny you didn't need an x-ray to see through me.
Seagoville was a prison filled with lost souls, men with dumpsters for hearts and foul mouths that spat the contents of a poisoned mind into your ears. Some had murdered and some had smoked a joint and had the hard luck to go away for two years for it. I was there because I looked into the night sky and saw the face of God and heard him breathing inside my head. We were best friends and he let me call him by name, Jehovah.
You know how it is being best friends, you'll go that extra mile to make them smile. I went so far as to throw my life into this hellhole like crumpling up a Kleenex and flipping it in the trash bin. I wanted Jehovah to know my friendship meant something to me. I wanted it to mean something to him too.
So, there I was, gathering colors from the corners of my eye as the prison compound settled under the blanket of an October night and feeling the very presence of God filling my lungs like air.
I knew. I KNEW! Jehovah was with me in the thumping of my heart and there wasn't a thing that could touch me. I was in the palm of his hand! He loved me and I was special.
Funny thing about being sure--about being convinced; about being so certain you'll dance your life out to the end of its fragile string in utter confidence.......it is the most beautiful feeling a human can experience!
But, a day later, I had almost been raped. My world came crashing down in anger; no--FURY! The other brothers inside tried to tell me--it was Jehovah who had stepped in and stopped the burly man who had grabbed me and humped at me from behind and pinned my skinny arms back and manhandled me to the point of panic. It was just a test! Just a test!
Something in me sickened. Not unto death...not just then....it would take years for it to die. But, in its passing the face of God Jehovah vanished and his breath on my cheek became the flashpoint of a memory of being grabbed from behind and roughhoused into a dread of fear. Was it just a sick bastard who seized me and tried to have his way? Or, was it God himself having a little fun at my expense? What was I doing there? I wasn't even legally a man yet and I had laid it all on the line for a spark in my soul called Jehovah.
My love was real. It was a real delusion. I'd have died for Jehovah's love. But, being raped for it? That was asking alot. Somehow it was almost too much. But, is anything too much for Jehovah to ask? Perhaps not. But, the kinds of things he asked.......were.......sick.......
My delusional moment faded. That evening when I stood tall in the service of god and had absolute certainty pounding in my bloodstream with every pulse had vanished. The outline of Jehovah in the cold and distant stars was as real as Orion's belt. But....there was no belt; not really. And neither was there a Jehovah.
What was YOUR most delusional moment as a Jehovah's Witness??