The 2 drug miracles of Cana of Galilee
And the third day there was a marriage in Cana of Galilee; and the mother of Jesus was there. And both Jesus was invited, and his disciples, to the wedding. And the wine having run short, the mother of Jesus said unto him, "Son, they have no wine." Jesus said unto her "What wouldst thou have me do, woman? Mine hour is not yet come".
Jesus afterward reached into the baskets filling both hands with about an ephod of hash proceeded to gather the people together into the house of the bridegroom then he had his disciples build a fire, when the fire had become burning coals he said a blessing and proceeded to thrust in the entire content over the fire. And the people one and all began praising God and giving him the glory with the words "Wow man this God is truly awesome" To which Jesus said "Truly I tell you today my disciples will do greater works than this so do not marvel at this just get some more and close all the doors man".
I know the board is filled with many people of different backgrounds, but that is extremely funny to me.
To which Jesus said "Truly I tell you today my disciples will do greater works than this so do not marvel at this just get some more and close all the doors man".
The Scribes and Pharasees also came into the house seeking to tempt Jesus and so they said unto him : "Teacher why do your disciples,,ah,,why do your,,ah,,why do,,ah,,why why why why why why,,woe man,, did you see that,,like it's totally cool,, Jesus is like totally a cool dude" with that they left the house and no longer could remember just what they wanted to ask him. Jesus seeing that his opposers, had been silenced,, proceeded to have his disciple gather up all the scraps left over from the feast which amounted to two small fishes and 5 loaves of bread,,which he proceeded to bless and distribute to all the guests who had a terrible case of the munchies.
And lo, Jesus said unto his people, "Come unto me for a festival of music, and sit down on the grass." And he had them all sit down. Whereupon he spake a blessing and passed the bong, and upon gathering up the roaches the disciples found almost a kilo of Acapulco Gold. So they smoked that too - and then Jesus broke out the Jagermeister. And Peter said unto him, "Be kind to yourself, Lord, for that is truly raucous shiznit."
And Jesus said, "Get thee behind me, Satan." and did burst a huge Budweiser fart into Peter's faith.
Whereupon Peter said to him, "Truly, all these others fart, but never me."
Jesus looked upon him and said, "Truly I tell you today, before a cock crows, you will fart and deny it three times."
And they asked him, who will betray you, Lord? And the Lord said, "It is he who is smoking the bowl with me." And Judas Iscariot choked and had to back up off it. But still nobody noticed - for they were all stoned man!
proceeded to have his disciple gather up all the scraps left over from the feast which amounted to two small fishes and 5 loaves of bread,,which he proceeded to bless and distribute to all the guests who had a terrible case of the munchies.
Peter seeing that the guests were very very hungry proceeded to say to Jesus: "This is not enought to feed two people, and yet there are more than sixty people here?!?" to which Jesus said: "How long must I continue with this faithless generation?,,Peter why do you doubt the power of God?,,How long must you be dull in your understanding?,,Where you not present when I turn the water into wine,,and then later turn camel shit into the finest hash, and how everyone got totally wasted off of it, and how the Pharassees and Scribes couldn't even remember what questions they should ask me,..... get be hind me Satan!!
Peter seeing the Lords displeaser at his lack of faith said unto Jesus: "Lighten up dude I was only teasing you." The other disciples then proceeded to have a good laugh for it was them that secretly put Peter up to questioning the Lord for they were all still very stoned,, and Peter allways had the habit of putting his foot in his mouth and didn't seem to mind getting rebukes from the Lord,,Well the Lord too joined in the laughter because he had been thouroghly caught off guard being that he had smoked the most.
John then spoke up and laughingly said: "Jesus, man you sure came down hard on Peter,,I guess you could apply your own council about not judging people." To which Jesus jokingly replied, "but I'm the Lord so it's ok, I'm allowed to do it." Everybody then proceeded to laugh and have a good time for Jesus had turned more camil shit into hash. These thing have been written so that you may have faith in the Son of Man,, and not take yourself too seriously for even Jesus and his merry appostles had a righteous sense of humour.
After considerable time had passed and Jesus and his disciples were wearing out their welcome in Cana Jesus said: "let us get out of here for I have other cities to which we must go and preach." With that Jesus left Cana and proceeded to set his face towards Jerusalem.
The news of Jesus turning camel dung to hashish had spread even to Jerusalem,,so that when Jesus began to teach at the temple great crowds would gather,, even some of the rulers and Pharasees beleived him to be the Son of God.
They would one and all be carrying baskets or pulling wagons full of camel dung or even sheep or cattle dung in hopes that they would bump in to Jesus and that he would repeat the miracle he preformed at Cana. Jesus of course was ready to assend to the Father, so he would not consent to thier desires for he knew this would really piss them off,, and that they would get so mad at him that they would fullfil the Fathers will and put him to death on a cross,, so alls he would do is just heal them of diseases, exorcized demons, restore withered arms, and raise the dead,,and just to tease them every once in a while turn a few bird droppings into hash,,which served to make the money hungry Pharasees plot to kill him seeing their hopes of making a huge profit on this guy were dashed to pieces.
The money hungry Pharasees even tried to tempt Jesus to give them a sign from heaven, by showing him a huge pile of camel dung they had collected togehter and deposited at the altar in front of the Temple asking him to turn it into primo hashish instead Jesus seeing their hearts where wicked said unto them: "wicked and adulterous generation you are always seeking a sign,, just beleive without the sign,,is that too much to ask? but because you seek to tempt me no sign will be given you except the sign of Jonah" Jesus knew this would really piss off,, and it was only three days till the passover. When the Pharasees seen they were out smarted they began to take council as to how they might do away with him.
Oh I just had some some stuff called "Train Wrech" I havn't smoked in about 4 weeks,, do to some heavy tripping I almost can't smoke,, because I recall too many painful memories,, so today is my first I only had one puff. I seem to like writing more stoned. So here goes some more on the misadventures of Jesus and his merry men.
Jesus knew this would really piss off,, and it was only three days till the passover. When the Pharasees seen they were out smarted they began to take council as to how they might do away with him.
Jesus was now aching in his heart to be joined with the Father,, the separation was killing him,, desperate he did everything he could to piss off the Scribes and Pharisees.
To please his sadistic Father he knew he must suffer torture. He knew the evil inclinations of these rulers, and just what it would take for them to have him put to death by torture. Jesus knew that is the only way to please his blood thirsty dad. No other sacrifice would do for his dad was unforgiving unless Jesus got tortured to death.
Now Jesus, was experiencing tremendous pressure inside himself to die and go to heaven. The things he spoke and the things he did, were all designed to get him to killed.
Why did Jesus wanna die???, the Gospels tell us to be with the father. You see Jesus missed the father so much that he was willing to be tortured and put to death."
But have you ever given thought to this motive???::
Could jesus have been really terrified not to be tortured,,because he knew just how bad jehovah could be to him if he disapointed him in any way. Maybe that's what motivated jesus to always speak so highly of his father. Now I don't believe the Gospels are Jesus words. But if they were,, could this also be true?