I finally went to CHURCH----and didn't feel guilty!

by findingme 13 Replies latest jw friends

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  findingme

  I've was df'd over 6 years ago after spending all of my life a JW. I remember thinking I could never step foot in a church out of guilt or fear.

  However, I am feeling a loss of some kind of Christian fellowship....I think I read a few other posts regarding this need for some of you.

  I knew I would not go back to a KH, either. So, I struggled with this dilemma of not wanting to attend a KH, yet feeling guilty for trying a different church. In the meantime, I was continually getting invites from workmates and schoolmates to "visit" their Willow Creek-associated church. I kept saying "no" because of guilt, yet I always stressed the need to associate with Christians and participate in self-help groups they organized.

  What to do? I finally said "yes" and tagged along with my co-worker one Sunday. I was not prepared for the upbeat music and sermons! We actually stood and clapped....and sang along. The sermon made me laugh at times....and feel choked up at other times. The topic was regarding "kindness"....and I was completely amazed at the positive feeling I carried with me all day! What a relief....

  I may not become an official member so soon....but I will certainly go back for more encouragement.

  In college, we learned that religion/church is for people, not for God. God does not need religion, people do! Hence, people become involved for themselves only....and that is okay.

  --Still Finding me
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  Markfromcali

  Good for you. One may feel guilty out of some sense of betraying a part of themselves, in this context it would be the part that was indoctrinated by the JWs. But if you recognize you don't know who you are, then actually it makes sense not to feel guilty - how can you betray yourself if you haven't found who you are?

  Edited to add: And if you know it is NOT JW, then you atleast know enough not to feel guilty over that. Of course this goes deeper than having the thought "I am no longer JW", so good for you.
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  bebu

  Good to hear, finding!!

  Why feel guilty about looking for God? Why feel guilty if you find Him? I think life is like a game of seeking and finding Him again and again.

  bebu
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  HappyDad

  findingme,

  I know how you feel. It was hard for me the first time going to a church for the purpose of worshiping God. Isn't it great that we can now go to these services and come out feeling good about ourselves instead of thinking that we are not doing enough? The sermons and the upbeat music are wonderful and in less than 2 hours I will be in church again. Can't wait!

  Congratulations and PTL,

  HappyDad
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  Undecided

  I went to church for about a year but never felt any spiritual feelings at all. I felt like I was just viewing what others were doing. The only time I feel any spirituality is when I view nature in some way and sometimes that turns me off if it's one of the negative aspects of it.

  Ken P.
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  LittleToe

  Good for you.
  Actually, regardless of belief or lack thereof, I recommend it for all exJW's.

  At the very least it's a way of expunging some inner demons...
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  Elsewhere

  Good for you!

  Funny how JWs have a hard time accepting the idea of being happy at meetings... they are so used to being miserable. Any time they find they are happy they instantly suspect they have fallen victim to having their ?ears tickles?.

  ?It don?t work if it don?t hurt? - JW Belief
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  rocketman

  I was not prepared for the upbeat music and sermons! We actually stood and clapped....and sang along.

  What a difference from the recorded Kingdom Melodies at the KH. They drained the life out of any spontaneous response. At times, the Hall seemed positively dead when it came time to sing songs.
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  Cicatrix

  Finding Me,
  Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm glad for you that you are finding a kind of peace you didn't have before.
  
  The first time I entered a church after leaving the JWs, I was literally shaking. I came away with that same feeling of awe that you descibed, though, and just kept attending and working my way through the indoctrinated phobia. It's been four months since I've started going to church, and I still have that same feeling of awe and freedom. We have live music at our church (lots of African American spirituals, complete with clapping,etc.:) ), and it brings me to tears to listen to the music and to sing the hymns.
  
  I'm still working through some JW "stuff." Not so much guilt now, as feeling the pain of what I've been missing out on all these years. I have a tendency to start crying when I speak about my past experiences, and how being a part of my new community makes me feel so very greatful. It makes me feel kind of wishy washy and very vulnerable to be so open (I'd learned to close myself off when I was JW), but there is always someone there to give me a hug, and tell me I've come a long way, and that it'll take time to heal.People listen, and comment on their own healing after dealing with authoritarian religions (and there are others who are at the same junture that I am with whom I can talk), but no one tells me how it "should" be, or that I should just pray more and rely on God more. And I am realizing that I need to give in to this grieving process so I can move on.
  
  I agree that religion is for people and not God. I think most of us have an innate need to be part of a community where we can both nurture and be nurtured.I will NOT let the years of indoctrination in WTS policy take that away from me.
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  findingme

  Thank you everyone, for your encouraging responses.

  Especially you, Cicatrix! Your description of the whole experience mirrors my own. People out their really do listen, and they acknowledge the difficulty of coming out of an authoritarian religion. I actually smiled all day after going to church last week; I recalled the live music that moved me to clap and sing along and the humorous video clips they showed regarding "kindness".

  For several years, I was SO afraid of opening up to people; now I don't know why I waited so long. I do become weepy sometimes when I relate my past and compare it to my present circumstances. What a difference! To think I once thought I could never find the true me.....

  The grieving process isn't the same for everyone, I know. Members of my own family are taking different steps; we try to share with each other to guide each other through the process.

  The best to you!