When Will I Learn?

sandy

When will I learn to give up on love? J/K ;)

Ok, I broke up with the same guy three times. I started seeing him last October.

I was a mess back then over the break-up with my b/f of 4 years. This guy new this and still wanted to see me. He should have his head examined. :)

Well, the third time I told him "this isn't working" was last month. I cried on the phone telling him I'm sorry but we are just too different.

I really care about this guy. He is the sweetest person. He has a huge heart and I really felt bad every time I called it off.

After the third time I truly missed him. I was on the train on my way to work one morning and saw someone that looked like him. It immediately brought tears to my eyes.

Then the following weekend I had a dream about him. (non-sexual) Get your minds out of the gutter. ;)

So I called him up that Sunday morning to say hello. His first question as per usual was going to be "Do you miss me?" but he stopped himself and said "I know, I'm sorry I know you hate it when I ask you that."

I used to tell him not to ask me that because the answer may hurt him.

The wierd thing was this time I actually did miss him. I told him that and since then we have been seeing each other again.

It has been two weeks now and I don't feel like I want to break up with him again. Usually after the first couple weeks I have that same old feeling again that it will not work.

Now I find myself worried that he will brek up with me. We really are different. I hope I do not seem racist because I am not.

If I offend anyone I am sorry. He is Chinese and I am Mexican. When I really think about it this is the only reason I think it will not work between us.

I think dep down he and I really want to be with someone of our own race.

I just keep thinking about him and how kind he is. He was there for me all through my sickness a couple months ago. He was so supportive.

Any advice?

LyinEyes

The heart wants what the heart wants. I can understand someone wanting to be with someone of their own race, because of the familiarity of your own culture. Your mind is telling you this, you are dwelling on all the things you are different about,,,,,,,what about the things you have in common? Write a list of pros and cons , about everything, from culture, things enjoyed, personality pluses and flaws, and just see which one the list of pros or cons out weighs the other.

I would just go for it. I don't know life is so short, we never know if we are even going to be here tomorrow. If you are not talking about settling down and wanting to get married to someone right away, why not enjoy what you have with him. You can take things as slow as you need to, you dont have to make a discission if this guy is the guy you are going to be with for the rest of your life right away. He seems to understand this, as in your relationship you had with the former b/f and he seems to understand you and is a patient kind of person.

Maybe you are just scared to give him all of your heart as you did the former b/f, maybe you can just take your time and still have this new guy in your life . Just tell him again why you feel the way you do. Good luck with all of it.

DanTheMan

I think dep down he and I really want to be with someone of our own race.

There is nothing wrong with that.

gumby

I've been married to my sweetie for 32 years this November......and we are different in many ways......but we deal with it. It doesn't make me love her any less that she doesn't have all the same intrests I do.....we work around it. If you love somebody enough....differences can be worked around.

Suppose he was just like you and you were married for 20 years.....then he has a stroke and is handicapped. Would you then say we have nothing in common anymore so lets end it? If you loved him deeply.....it would be a hardship, but you wouldn't dump him. If you really love your man and he loves you.......see if you can make it work. It takes time........lot's of time and patience

Gumby

Maverick

Don't let the race thing play too large a role in your relationship. It took me four years to get my mind around this one lady because of that issue. You know what I learned? I wasted four years! I am a short. older, white guy and she is a tall, beautiful, black woman. She is the best thing that ever happened to me. You are not the first person to have to overcome the race situation. Many have done so before you, and been successful! I wish you both peace and happiness. Mav

Carmel

Two of my sons are married to girls of vastly different race and culture. Both are doing fine and are as happy as ever. Race is nothing! We are all of one family of man and can learn to love someone of any culture, ethnicity, race or religion. The latter is probably the hardest to deal with.

go for it!

carmel

WildHorses

Don't let race stand in your way. If you love him and he love you. You will find a way to work through it. And as far as different cultures. That's a plus! You will always be learning something new. And babies, if you two get married one day and have babies, they will be some of the most beautiful babies in the world!

So, Sandy, really think about it and if race is the only thing that is holding you back. Don't let it. You will regret it for the rest of your life if it is in fact love you are feeling for this man. I know this for a fact. Although what happened to me had nothing to do with race. I let something (something stupid and superficial) get in the way of the best relationship I ever had. The one time I was sure that I was really loved, no doubts at all. I left this person over it even though I loved him. He was hit by a car and killed just a few days later. Had I not let this stupid thing get in my way, he would have been with me that night instead of running out of gas and walking down a dark highway where he was killed. I regret it to this day.

I know it isn't the same as race but when I read your post, I thought about Gary. I just don't think anything should stand in the way of love, especially race.

wednesday

your story of the numerous "break ups" reminded me of one of my sons. He had a girl he loved so much, but he could not commit, and kept breaking up with her. many times, and finally, she had grown tired of being treated like a door matt and dumped him. She refused his offers to "get back together", b/c she knew he would just keep dumping her. She married and is happy now, and he is now doing his wife the same way. I have told her myself, she should kick him to the curb, b/c until he gets some therapy, he just keeps repeating the same behavior.

Your guy may grow weary of this, and get enough.

sandy

Thanks for the advice everyone.

Yesterday morning I woke up and told him I had a dream about him. I dreamed he was kicking me out because he found a new girl. LOL A chinese girl!!!

He asked me if I was laying the ground work to break up with him for a fourth time.

Poor guy!!! He is just waiting for me to call it off again. The truth is I really don't want to. Out of all the guys I dated this past year he has been the best.

I told him I am not going to break up with him, that I really want to try to make us work.

He also said I shouldn't worry about him breaking up with a chinese girl. He said he not even attracted to chinese girls.

This is a lie though, when I first met him he said he is attracted to them and that is all he dated in the past.

Maverick

Sandy your insecurity is showing. I am an older guy and up until very recently had a preference for very white skinned redheads. My ex, a California Redhead, is as white as they come and my daughter is as beautiful, and pale, as her mother.

I became friends with a woman with a very dark complexion. After spending time with her and growing to love her I find her features very attractive. What I am saying is, if an older man such as myself can change, so can your young man. Your fears and insecurities may in fact be the thing that drives him away. Men don't fake it very well or for very long. If he is not truly attracted to you he will not be around. Please don't call him a liar. Mav

When Will I Learn?

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