This is very scary for me ......Breath in Breath out ....outing the demons (page 3)

((((((Sheila)))))), a very powerful poem ya wrote there. I have to say it awakened feelings of my past ,, and although painful to remember , it is always a good reality check , for me to always remember what is the most important things in my life. Just how precious life is and how our choices affect our children.

Drug addiciton is a theif. I know what it is like to look into someone's eyes , and literally , not see their soul anymore. It was always such a sickening feeling to me , as a young child to look at my mother, searching so deeply for a spark of the woman I knew she was. So many times, I only saw a blank expression, or a look as if she was looking thru me to find her pill bottle.

Of all the abuse I did suffer from both my parents,,,,,,,,,,I honestly think this is what still haunts me the most today, losing my mother to drugs. I missed her so very much. I looked everyday into her eyes, wishing she would have that spark back, I wanted so to see her eyes laughing, happy, but it was not to be. If there was a good day , or several thru the time we had together while I was a kid, I treasured it , I soaked it up, saving it for a "rainy day". I knew those rainy days would be upon me , like a carpet yanked from under my small feet, I would be thrown back to the hard reality of what our life was like. I always had hope time and time again that she wouldnt get worse, that she would kick her habit, that she would love me , hold me, laugh with me , talk to me .

I swear to this day, I see an amber colored prescription bottle and I want to smash it to a million pieces. They will always be a reminder that my mother choose to love those pills in those bottles over me.

SheilaM

Thanks Seattle

Wow...(((((((((((Lyin,)))))))))))))))))))) I understand how something so "normal" such as a prescription bottle can fuel rage.

I won't even begin to tell you I understand how you feel. I was 25 years old when my sister did this to me and I still hurt so bad and I feel sometimes it will never heal. I know that many want me to forgive her, but I say ( with this incident) I love myself ENOUGH not to forgive or forget what she did. I have asked her to apologize she says 'I have NOTHING to apologize for."

I am so sorry that my poem brought that back to you and saddened you. As I've said my Mother was on valium a lot and I know that pain too.

I do know thanks to this board and posts like yours I was able to pull together my pain to write this, it has helped so much. I sent it to my oldest sister and have yet to hear back. BUT I know that she read it and I know she knows what happend between myself and my middle sister and maybe the truth will set us all free.

frankiespeakin

Sheliah,

That was one powerful poem,,it must have been very healing to put it in a more concrete form(words).

Lyin,

I swear to this day, I see an amber colored prescription bottle and I want to smash it to a million pieces. They will always be a reminder that my mother choose to love those pills in those bottles over me.

I sure your mother must have loved you more than those pills. It was her emotional pain that was to hard to face and deal with,,her powerlessness to deal with things that made her addicted to a living hell.

One thing I appreciate about your posts,, is that you are different,,you are facing your pain and learning to deal with it and over come it. Your children will be blessed because you are.

Golf

SM, we all have our demons to contend with, don't we? It's sad to hear your sister say, she had nothing to apologize for.

Couple of weeks ago I play golf with a fellow community member and he told me how he was hooked on coke. It wasn't a pleasant story to listen to. Anyways, I hope everything is turning out for the best. Thanks for sharing your emotions.

Guest 77

LyinEyes

Sheila, I am glad you wrote that poem and I am glad I read it. I am learning to face my fears , to face what hurts. I know for so many years being JW I surpressed so many of my feelings , probably to the point of repression. So, it is healing for me to cry, it is another step forward instead of back when I allow myself to feel whatever feelings come to me. You are a gifted writer to be able to stir the emotions as you did with me and yourself , others as well.

Frankie,,,,,,,, I know that what you say is true. I know my Mom loved me the best she could. I know that now. At the time all this was going on,,,from the time I could really remember what was going on 6 yrs old until she died when I was 18, I was so angry at her, mostly hurt.

I was able to talk to her face to face in a safe setting at the rehab durning a family marathon for the families to let all the pain out to each other. I told her I thought I hated her for so long, because all I wanted was her to hold me and to be a mother to me , instead of me being the mother to her. I told her I didnt hate her at all but loved her probably as deeply as anyone ever could love her. She didnt get mad , as I feared she would, she didnt show how much what I said hurt her , but we moved on and started to rebuild our relationship. I will always treasure those months after rehab , even thou it was hard for her and I and even thou she didnt make it in the end.

Sometimes when I write things like the part you quoted, I am feeling what I felt when I was 10 yrs old standing in our kitchen as she told my dad that she loved drugs more than all of us. I know she was sick, addicted and in pain, that is why I forgive her for saying those things.

Sheila............ I don't know why your sister thinks she has nothing to be sorry for. I don't understand why she can't say the words to you,,you are trying to have contact with her and she can read your pain. If you are hurting over the past , it shows you care. She may in time see all of this.. is she in rehab? Has she been to any kind of therapy? I know in AA, drug addicts attend this 12 step program as well,,,,,,,,it doesnt matter if your chemical abuse is drugs or alcohol.. same out come , same treatment. In AA part of the 12 steps is making amends to those you hurt, even if it seems insignificant compared to how someone may have hurt others in deeper ways. If she does this program , she can't move on to another step until she takes care of this business.

Wishing you and your family healing and peace.........Dede

frankiespeakin

Lyin,

Sometimes when I write things like the part you quoted, I am feeling what I felt when I was 10 yrs old standing in our kitchen as she told my dad that she loved drugs more than all of us. I know she was sick, addicted and in pain, that is why I forgive her for saying those things.

Yeah it helps to go back and feel what you felt back at very important times in our life,,write it down or make a note of it in some way,,I think by doing that we can heal our pain. I think forgiving your mother for her faults is a powerful way to deal with it and heal yourself.

SheilaM

Frankie: Thank you

Golf: Thanks. It is rough hearing the hell someone goes through with an addiction such as coke. What is worse is hearing the stories those they love live thru during this same time

Lyin: Thank you, I am glad that I am able to reach others with my words. They have been a catharsis to me. I KNOW now why I didn't write while a dub, I KNEW that I could never express in a true since how I felt without the backlash of the elders. Freedom to write has truly saved me.

I also am glad that you were able to get some venting and such out with your Mother. My sister has NEVER gone to rehab, never gone to AA and now she has a strangle hold on religion as if by being a pious, self-righteous person she can force her way into heaven. I refuse to let her hurt me more than she already has...Thunder deserves more from me than to be a doormat for my "family" ya know

This is very scary for me ......Breath in Breath out ....outing the demons

stillajwexelder

SheilaM

seattleniceguy

LyinEyes

SheilaM

frankiespeakin

Golf

LyinEyes

frankiespeakin

SheilaM

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