i think i'm screwed

georgefoster

when i got married, my wife was an inactive baptized jw who promised me that she was done with it forever. I became daddy to her two children, ages 2 and 3. A few months after we got married, I walked in on her meeting with two jw elders. They tried to convince me that it was a great, harmless thing for her to be involved in. I fruitlessly argued that she could study the bible and seek god in any number of settings. Anyway, she became increasingly more involved to the point that she is now completely immersed and she, my 2 stepkids and our almost 2 yr old daughter are at the convention for the 3rd straight day. I'm at my wits end. My stepkids are completely questioning my authority - why don't you love jehovah? why don't you go to the meetings? When we got married, my wife quit her job to become housewife and full-time mother. Now, the housework doesn't get done, the kids don't make it to karate or do violin practice because too much time is invested in bible studies, field service, meetings and conventions. I don't like to socialize with all of my wife's jw friends - they're nice but I'm not part of the club. I do christmas, birthdays and even trick-or-treating with the kids; I guess my wife has to allow it because I'm "head of the household" - she is involved only to the extent that she is not seen as being involved. I found out that the kids aren't saying the pledge of allegiance at school; my wife denies telling the kids not to do it and claims that they made the decision on their own. I keep our baby away from the meetings whenever I'm available to keep her. I don't want her involved. I've tried logic, rage, kindness, derision, etc., but it seems like my wife only gets in deeper. We don't love each other anymore. I feel bad for the kids, because its not their fault. I don't know what to do.

Markfromcali

Hi George, welcome to the board. I know there are atleast a few in a situation similar to yours so hopefully they will be able to give you some specific input. The one thing I did notice from your post is that despite the fact your kids are questioning you apparently you can still celebrate birthdays and holidays with them. It may sound cliche, but showing that you love them goes a long way. There may be people who are nice to them at the Kingdom Hall, but thats nothing like loving them unconditionally. Good luck.

jwbot

All you can do is keep your heart and arms open to them. Telling them the religion is no good, is not going to help you. You will be seen as opposition. You should be open to your wifes opinions and ideas while maintaining yours. Both of you should be respectful of each other, it does not go one way. Marriage is a partnership.

As for the kids...You should tell them that its OK what they decide to do but you will always love them. And be there for them when things go bad, they will appreciate that.

Tell your wife to be on your side about this--not sure who is telling the kids that you do not like Jehovah, but it might be her! Be open about your feelings about this! Tell them that sure, you believe in God (if you do) but not everyone has to be a Jehovahs Witness to be a good person. Give them examples of great people in history that were not JW's. Show them that even JW's are not great...it doesnt matter a label a person is given...it matters what is in their hearts.

Take care!

jgnat

Rough, sir. Tough call. It would be easier to walk away from her, but what about all your children?

Here is one scenario. See if it fits with your situation. Imagine what it would be like to go through a divorce and have to negotiate custody and visitation. She would have to give you the children at least every other weekend, plus some weekdays. During those times, you could fill your children's days full of fun and interesting activities, and provide a balance to your wife's demanding lifestyle choice. She would also have to find a job to make ends meet. You might have to readjust your work life to be available after school hours for your children.

Now, imagine starting this kind of negotiation BEFORE divorce. Let your wife know the gravy train has ended, and she needs to find outside work. Having to live like a single parent AND meet all the Watchtower's obligations can remind her of how DELIGHTFUL (insert sarcasm here) this life can be. Negotiate equal free time with the children. Remind her you could get it, if push came to shove, so let's work out something now, before the entire family is derailed.

Do not diss your wife in front of the kids. Be approachable, and sympathetic. Be a rock for your children, an ever-ready listening ear. There will be a time, when their wings of independence are ready to take flight, when they will need you.

You might enjoy reading Puternut's threads about his girls, especially the more recent ones.

baysixforme

Although it may not seem like it now, there is hope. There was a time when I ate, drank and slept JW doctrine/lifestyle...very, very full on. My daughter was baptised at the age of thirteen, we both pioneered, we were all very, very active..except my husband of course.

The difference in our lives unfortunately became an irrepairable divide but that was largely down to his suppressed resentment at what we were holding most dear, which consequently led to the abuse that he inflicted upon us.

I always wanted my marriage to work and only left after the abuse became so bad that it was intolerable for me and my children. I often used to wonder....what if?

Anyway that is our story. But the point I am trying to make is that leopards do change their spots! I suppose if my husband remained consistent in just being a good husband and father and actually spoke about his feelings rather than concealing them, then maybe there would have been some hope.......

There is no getting away from it, life for you must be extremely difficult at the moment but you're not screwed! Don't give them that power! Just because the organisation is massive to her it doesn't have to be to you. Just keep on doing the things that you love to do with your wife and children and remain consistent. When things start to go wrong or whenever she begins to have doubts, she will hopefully view you as somone that is loyal and trustworthy enough to confide in.

Hope it goes well for you,

Bay64me

Flash

IMO...

Keep a diary of all her marital and parental negligence and confront her and her elders friends. Also discuss it with your attorney and get a clear picture of your options.

You might want to have her work FULL TIME to keep her busy and your daughter away from Field Service (the preaching work). If she talks about Pioneering insist she work full time, (perhaps to save for your daughters college tuition).

Use your 'Head of the House' status to your best advantage!

I've tried logic, rage, kindness , derision, etc.,

Logic and kindness, YES Rage, derision, etc... NO

Nathan Natas

Your wife has a boyfriend named Jehovah.

The kids "miss" their karate classes because witnesses do not approve of karate.

You are entitled to the sort of life you envisioned when you married. How do your kids like the JW routine? You need to act to preserve your life and your kids lives. Not violence, but legal action to end the marriage and take the kids.

Let her and her boyfriend Jehovah make do without you.

HeyNow!

Keep a diary of all her marital and parental negligence and confront her and her elders friends. Also discuss it with your attorney and get a clear picture of your options

I sooo agree! My wife and I won a court battle over the fact that she kept detailed accounts of EVERY LITTLE ACCOUNT!! Does not matter how small, write it down! Wetnoses put up a facade of being happy and balanced, but they are extreme and mind controled!!

Next, HIRE THE BEST!! We obtained the best lawyer we could! We took out a loan to pay for him. He made the other lawyer look like Howdy DOOdy! Yeah, we paid him a great amount, but we still sent him a "Thank-You" basket..

My heart goes out to you and I hope you the best...

avishai

I found out that the kids aren't saying the pledge of allegiance at school; my wife denies telling the kids not to do it and claims that they made the decision on their own

I have a really hard time believing to kids that age would "choose" to embarass themselves.

I think she's probably full of crap.

Country Girl

I'm assuming that you are not the natural father to the first two children. If not, what does *their* biological father think of all this, if he is involved that is...

Second, prepare yourself mentally to either stay or go. Either way, you must be committed to the full course all the way. Once you've made your mind up, stay committed to that choice of action.

Country Girl

i think i'm screwed

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