We have a kid together, but, man. EVERY time something is brought up, it's all my fault.
Same here
Does Anyone Else Ever Encounter This???
by ohiocowboy 24 Replies latest social relationships
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Stefanie
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Fed Up
I've never been a JW so I can't speak on that--but I did go through a divorce and had problems with subsequent relationships until someone gave me some advice that turned the tables--at least for me anyway.
Relationships in a way are like employers. A new employer isn't going to pay you much more than the last one paid you--unless you manage to convince them that you are worth more--which is not likely, but it is easier not to admit just how much you were actually paid, and leave them with the PERCEPTION that you were paid much more, and they will pay you similarly. It is also never wise to say NEGATIVE things about your former employer, doing so only is not going to give your new employer a bad feeling about them, but about YOU!
It is the same for relationships. It is far better NOT to say negative things about your prior relationships. You don't have to lie, just say "it didn't work out", or "we had different goals".... or better, "I cared about him/her deeply, but our paths were moving in different directions..."
If you tell your potential new relationship that the last 5 treated you badly, you leave them with a negative perception about YOU! As if maybe you aren't worthy of being treated better? So why should you expect them to treat you any better?
No, it's not right, but that's the way it is!
Successful people don't dwell on past failures--not in business or in their relationships! OK, so at FIRST the need to talk about it may be overwhelming, so DO it, get it all out, and then move on! I HAD to talk about my ex--so I talked to total strangers--in the subway, sitting down with them in restaurants and buying them lunch, and getting it ALL out, so that by the time it was time to get ready for my date that evening, I was all DONE!
Once you learn to stop talking about it, you find you have to come up with OTHER things to talk about--and that takes WORK to come up with new subjects--concentrate on THAT, and soon you will find that occupies your mind and you will also stop THINKING about it as well! If you TRY hard to come up with POSITIVE things to say about your former relationships (and associations), and then VERBALIZE them, do it often enough, and you might actually suceed in managing to "trick" your mind into at least SOMEWHAT believing them! Then you can move on with your life!
Good relationships are supposed to be FUN, and you're never going to have any fun as long as you keep dwelling on the BAD baggage that you are bringing into your NEW relationship from the PAST! To move on, you have to stop THINKING about it! If you TALK about other things, eventually THEY will become more important than all that bad stuff from your past!
Good luck
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moonwillow
It never seems to be anyones fault but mine lol you have to laugh or you'll cry.
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blondie
Ohio and others, you might enjoy some books I have read in the past and re-read from time to time as a refresher.
You Can't Say That to Me: Stopping the Pain of Verbal Abuse -- An 8-Step Program by Suzette Haden Elgin
You might enjoy some related books here:
http://www.work911.com/cgi-bin/links/jump.cgi?ID=4317
http://members.tripod.com/~LadyFribble/verbal/verbal.html
Blondie (((hugs)))
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Lehaa
and am reminded by this person how I must not be taking my antidepressants,
Been there, my ex (during one of one of our many arguments) told me to get back on my pills. Meaning my anti-depressants. He nearly ended up with the heal of my shoe through his skull and kicked out of the car. (I'm quite flexible and i was driving)
He now blames all of our problems on me because I was the one that had an affair. The marriage was over well before that, he just refused to move out.
