This is an update regarding my 17 yo who was dating an unbaptized publisher, Carl,18.
When he first began dating her I sat them both down and made sure Carl understood that he was visiting the home of a DF?d brother who also be considered by the Society to be an apostate. I gave him this direct info not wanting to encroach upon his conscience incase he was maintaining a good one, and incase he was looking to make progress in the JW congregation. I asked him if it were in his plans to get baptized (18 is pretty old for one not be baptized especially when they have grown up in the org). He said "maybe, sometime in the future.
He told me it did not matter since he felt his association with me would be very limited. (False reasoning according to the Society, but I let him off the hook). After a while I got the idea that he would tell me anything he thought I wanted to hear in order to keep dating my daughter. He spent a lot of time in my home; watching movies, family dinners, long conversations (with me) and just hanging out in general.
I made it very clear to him that while nobody here in this household would ever discourage him from his "spiritual goals", that I would have to insist that he did not ever become a source of pressure for my daughter to get sucked in to the organization. I stated that if something like that were to happen we would all have a very big problem. He gave me his word he would not pressure her to come in to the organization.
They dated . . . one night his mother called me to ask if I was OK with the situation. I said yes, and that I liked Carl. He was becoming like family. She said that she adored my daughter and hoped she would one day both she and I would come back to Jehovah. I thanked her for her sentiments, but told her frankly that it would never happen. Her main concern was not that her son?s spirituality might be in danger, but that I might throw his butt in jail should he and my daughter cross the line and have sex. I reassured her that I felt they were close enough in age, that dating is not an issue for me, that I would not blame her son for anything my daughter might willingly consent to. She sounded relieved.
I remember a conversation I had with my daughter and I was tactfully pointing out that Carl is acting inconsistent with the rules and policies of the org, that there is a conflict. His mother is certainly pressuring him to get baptized and serve the org, and there will come a time when they think you are hooked into the relationship enough to where they will consider Carl just the right bait to get you to start coming to meetings and get baptized as well. I said that the both of you will be used to lure each other back into the org. I warned her that the scenario Carl is playing out will most likely end up with him getting sex out of the deal then go running back to his mommy and the congregation for safety. He would say something like, "phewwww, I am so glad I escaped that apostate household!" Then go through the baptism questions without disclosing to the elders he effed my daughter a couple times before he got all spiritual.
Carl began manifesting a cruel spirit with my daughter and played some pretty shi**y tricks on her. His real personality began to come out. He was becoming a real punk-ass. I waited and did not say anything because I wanted my daughter to see it for herself.
One day I had purchased a futon for one of my daughters and had it set up in time to surprise her when she came home from school. Carl came in with them and we all went into the bedroom to see my daughter?s reaction to the new futon. Carl walked over to my other daughter?s bed (the daughter he was dating) gave the mattress a couple of bounces with his hand while looking at me and smirking. This was his way of telling me he had had sex with my daughter right there on that bed. The little SOB. I let it go, for now.
The two of them ended up doing the deed one night while everyone was gone, on that bed. A couple days later, Carl took my daughter up to the Special Talk at the Assembly Hall in Escondido. On the way home, Carl suddenly got a case of conscience and said to her, (mind you this is after he got some), "I don?t think this is going to work out. I want to get baptized and serve Jehovah, and if you don?t want to then I don?t think it will work out . . . " BINGO! Just like I said. That?s when my daughter should have remembered my warning and said to him, "good, OK, then let?s just break up and you go and serve Jehovah", then just walk away like the smart girl I know she can be. But no, she had invested too much into the relationship and she could not see the wisdom in letting him go.
(Ironically, the special talk was about having a double heart/leading a double life)
She told me what happened. She also admitted she should have walked away but just did not have the strength to. I intervened.
I spoke to Carl alone and told him he was too unsteady and wishy-washy. I pointed out that he was violating his own standards and that the religious conflict would not allow the relationship to stay on a healthy level. I told him he couldn?t date my daughter and live a lie. He then told me that he "tried to break up", but they just kept it going. I then said, "Well, here is what you are going to do. You are going to just walk away. It?s over."
Carl asked, "is that what you want me to do?"
"No, it is what you are going to do", I said. "Since you want to get baptized and serve Jehovah, but can?t seem take any action toward it, I am going to make it easy for you. And if you tell my daughter we had this conversation, I am going to hand you your hypocritical little ass."
He just stood there breathing hard and looking like he was going to have a heart attack, then he left.
In stead of breaking up with her he made another power play. He thought her loyalty to him would be stronger than her family. Big mistake. He did succeed in temporarily confuse her, but again, I intervened.
I called his mother and told her that it would be in her son?s best interest to discourage him from trying to contact my daughter again. She said I could not give my blessing for them to date then take it away. I said, "Oh, hell yes I could".
She was afraid I would turn her son into the police for having sex with a minor, but I assured her I had no intention of doing that. He just needs to stay away from my daughter is all. She warned me that if something were to happen to her son, that I would be the first one she would suspect. I laughed. She warned me that everyone would know that I gave my blessing then changed my mind and that I would also get in trouble. Again, I laughed and said, "look, you might be able to get some mileage out of that kind of threat with the Witnesses, but in the real world where I live, I get to say when, who and how my daughter dates. The authorities are not interested in my parenting skills at this point, but only the fact that your son is over 18 and my daughter isn?t. And believe me when I tell you that I could care less what any of the Witnesses think . . . and the only Witness I will ever let my daughter date is an X-Witness"
Later, Carl was on the phone, and I reminded him that he was not to see my daughter anymore. This is when the real Carl comes slithering out; he calls me "a little bitch" says, "Fu*k you", and promises me that if he ever sees me again that I will be on the ground because he is going to kick my ass. I laughed and invited him over so that he can show me what he is talking about.
To make a longer story shorter, they are broken up. My daughter was upset at first and blamed me. After a lengthy conversation in which I went over the entire scenario with her, she walked over to me, hugged me, and told me she loved me and that she was sorry for being mad at me when it was Carl she should have blasted instead.
Corvin
[edited to say] It is truly a drama-filled world in JW land. Since I left the org, there has been no drama in my life. It only took a JW or two to try to turn our lives upside down. The only drama I ever have in my life is when there is a JW involved. Funny isn't it?