by Leander 44 Replies latest jw friends
My wife and I left together, but it was a bit rocky at times. She almost went back to the troof a couple times.
I don't believe our marriage would have survived if only one of us had left and the other tried to stay in the troof.
Things are great now... we are so much happier than when we were in the Org.
Leander, well, LOL.........I would have to say that my personal dissatisfaction with my life, i.e. and marriage had always been an underlying issue. Then, in the midst of that, I experienced very "interesting" scenarios with congregation members..........which then melded with the other issues and became part of the whole "dissatisfaction with MY life"..............so, I am no longer married............after twenty years of...........and I don't, at this point in time, forsee my needing to be "married" ever again............oh, and I've been away for almost 6 years..................
Terri
{{{{{Puter!}}}}}} Me too! But, trust me, my friend, it gets better! It really does!!!
I did what Gumby did when I first learned the truth about the "truth". I told him everything that I had learned, we had some interesting battles discussions. He didn't want to hear it, but he could not dispute any of it. What he has done is figuratively "shut me out and locked the door." There are things we do not discuss. It's like there is a giant wall between us. I'm hurting, but have to hide it. One day I just know I'm going to fall apart.
I want to get on with my life outside of this cult to live a normal life outside of the JW's, but he expects me to follow Watchtower rules. It would be much easier if I was DF, because technically according to him I'm still a JW. We have what you would call a don't ask don't tell thing going on. For example, for Mother's Day my daughter gave me a beautiful candle that I put on the dinning room table. My hubby asked where it came from, I said it came from our daughter, but I didn't add it was a Mother's day gift and he didn't ask, but he had to have known. I go through this will all of the holidays and birthdays.
I'm getting tired of living like this. I'm tired of hiding who I am. Another thing, he doesn't know that I'm here, I live in fear that he will find out. Maybe it would be a good thing if he found out. It would defiantly clear the air.
Hapgood
I guess you could say i am one of the luckyest or one of the dumb ones. I left the cult about 25yrs ago and my husband stayed in and is still in. There have been very huge fights and i am sure there always will be till he gets out or i leave. I think i stayed for my kids and with the hopes he would see the cult for what it is and we could have a real life. It took me this long to see he will not get out and my time with him is running out, i am 46 and want a real life before i get older, i want someone to love me not a cult.
I became inactive while married but basically I got inactive because the elders made me take him back when I kicked him out because I had no scriptural grounds for divorce. So I 'obeyed' but then just couldn't go back to the hall and pretend we were a happy couple. 6 months later I filed for divorce any way and within weeks of my kicking him out of the house I decided never to go back...
Now, it has been more of a strain on my relationship with my bf who has never been a JW, just because of the exit issues you run into doing a fade and he doesn't understand.
My wife and I started questioning the troof at the same time. She supported me and had my back when the elders came after me with sanctions due to my lack of spirituality = facial hair. Thank God for her backbone and her intelligence - mind as sharp as a whip and been around the Org long enough to know their wicked mind games and scripture twisting. She called them out on every single point of their "reasoning" and double-speak during an Orwellian 3 hour "shepherding call."
Stopped attending meetings 8 months ago. I sent in my DA letter January. She sent her's last week.
Marriage is SO much better because we are now able to have time with each other (not always running to the Water Buffalo Lodge to listen to the Grand PooBah); we can be honest with each other and ourselves, since neither one of us was really buying the "Truth", but afraid to admit as much to each other; no more judging each other for not "having that pioneer spirit" .
Blondie mentioned a good resource -- Steve Hassan's Combatting Cult Mind Control.
I left the org. twenty years ago but my wife has stayed in. If you're willing to settle for less (much less) and can accept a compartmentalized life and relationship where the two of you can only share some of the compartments, then you can keep it going. But, it's unlikely to be anything close to what you want out of life or marriage.
To be fair to my wife -- and to any other JW women with ex-JW husbands -- I think the cognitive dissonance must be very, very difficult to deal with. Such a JW wife will, on the one hand, believe she is supposed to respect and honor her husband yet on the other hand must view him as weak at best or at worst as a more-vile-than-Hitler apostate. How can that work? If there are children, she will believe that they must be raised to respect their father even though she will view him as a constant spriritual danger to them and will, therefore, actively work to have them develop the same low viewpoint of their father as being spiritually weak and/or a Satan-inspired opposer as she has: if they become and remain JWs after they reach adulthood and move out on their own and then proceed to shun their father, she must consider this a job well done. She will read in the "Family Book" about the need for communication and spiritual sharing between spouses while at the same time believe that she must avoid all talk about anything much deeper than the time of day. While her marriage may once have been a source of status and acceptance at the "hall", it becomes instead something that makes her an object of pity, no longer one of the "in crowd", and may make her children be viewed as somewhat unclean and marked as possibly not good association. And as for normal friendly relationships with other couples, forget about it.
The result of all this and more of the same is likely to make her view her marriage as a trial that she must endure. And who could be surprised if, to relieve the constant pressure from trying to reconcile these mutually contradictory beliefs and feelings, she increasingly simply pays lip service to being a "Christian wife" while in her actions and manifest feelings she is wholly consumed by the JW-inspired negative view of her husband?
My wife thinks I'm possessed by
Just last week she came out with a few statements to the effect that I serve.........
I serve "god", while she serves Jehovah.
She wouldn't be drawn on what she meant by that, given that it was self evident.
I think what hurt the most was the look on her face as she smugly said it.
Hence we separated over six months ago.
It hurt like heck, but it's slowly easing.
Things aren't looking good for any kind of reconcilliation.
Meanwhile I'm taking each day as it comes, and getting on with my life.
It broke up my marriage. Unfortunately leaving that screwed -up belief system screws up everything. period. There is hope...give it enough time to be sure. Marriage counseling could be of help....... I left and my ex left too.....However, many marriages in JW are based on getting married too young to have sex. That is not the basis of a lasting marriage... and you starve spiritually and emotionally in it......so many times I think the marriage ends when that tie leaves. You are so busy in the activity & meetings..... true intimicy is replaced by an "unreality." Witness marriages are a disguise in some ways..... Many are really really trying to fool themselves that they are happy. I did and actually thought I was. However, it is not based on REALITY. That is a whole different test of your relationship.
Do try though... so you know you did everything you could. You are in my thoughts.
