Thank you, Dino and sKally, for your gracious welcomes and invitation to reply further. I have quickly toured the sites you have kindly supplied, sKally, (I enjoyed being enlightened of your "Klass") and want to thank you for your effort. I'm still sort of recovering from the initial chill after perusing them.
Too familiar....
It is interesting that in my forty-four years of life I've gravitated towards studies and organizations that under the surface of things have a consistency among them which resonates so shrilly. Not having much in my conscious memory to go on, I've stumbled across many different weirdo rife-with-polemic approaches to understanding, the latest being a ten-year dive into the WTBTS. The objective I guess is to achieve some kind of explanation for how this planet, which could be a place of immense beauty and joy, is hamstrung, being filled up with the psycho, fucked-up perverts that it is.
It is difficult if not impossible for me to divulge too much information about my particular circumstances, because I'm fearful of retaliation. Demonic eyes are everywhere. I hate pyramids. I could add to your very comprehensive list of sites; let me know if it would be of interest to you and perhaps I'll muster up the energy to go "back there". The issue for me fundamentally however is just how prevalent the viruses are in the "organization" and if it's even worthwhile to keep any faith invested in it as an entity.
I used to think I loved "truth". Now I genuinely wonder if such a thing is even conceivable. It is far easier to recognize lies and evil intent.
The fear and loathing I made mention of had to do with the multitudinous and bone-chillingly direct dismissals I received from anyone in any position of "authority" when I sought help and information. My experience (MK Ultra, or project Monarch) was direct, and aborted when I was an adolescent, but sufficient to make me crave death for decades. Two siblings have committed suicide. I'm fortunate enough to have had amazing therapy (designed specifically for survivors of this unspeakable thing) and abundant support from others who have survived, (as well as from those who have decided death was preferable to the continuous effort) and ample evidence to substantiate and validate what I AM able to recall. What the elders, CO's, DO's, bethelites - even the most freakishly elite of the pioneers, etc. did though was try to separate me from those people who were the most helpful and healing, (they are part of satan's system!) and then direct me to "forgive". Like, get the fuck over it. It is interfering with your spirituality; you're being negative; blah the blah blah blah!!!
Forgive what? Who? Huh? What does that even MEAN??????
I just want an explanation. In the most ideal of situations, there would even be an explanation with a hope for justice and remediation, and maybe even Someone with enough power to end the ubiquitous practice of power-abuse that pervades this planet.
I've stopped attending meetings, but am still in contact with a few "friends". But even these encounters are becoming scary. I am in a serious quandry at present, in that I still feel that the most basic doctrinal teachings (i.e. hell, what a "soul" is, why Jehovah has allowed evil to exist, etc.) ring "true". But are there any people on earth who are capable of worshiping in spirit and in truth?
Rhetoric aside, thank you for allowing me a space in your forum to speak. Once I posted a message on the old H2O board. I got a lot of "sounds like a bethel lurker" responses. AS IF.
lauralisa