Robert Subby, director of Family Systems, Inc., in Minneapolis, defines co-dependency in the book, Lost In The Shuffle, as:
"... An emotional, psychological, and behavioral condition that develops as a result of an individual?s prolonged exposure to, and practice of, a set of oppressive rules ? rules which prevent the open expression of feeling, as well as the direct discussion of personal and interpersonal problems:"
Melody Beattie, in Co-Dependent No More, describes a codependent as:
"..... A person who has let someone else?s behavior affect him or her and is obsessed with controlling other people?s behavior."
Definitions are plentiful but the place to start assessing co-dependency must be its symptoms. The following is a list of symptoms of co-dependency presented by many professionals. I should note that my clients and I have exhibited most of them.
Symptoms Of Co-dependency
1. Forced as a child to hurry up and grow up, that is, to take on significant adult responsibilities. "I had to make sure my brothers and sisters got to school because Mom was sick most mornings."
2. Developed very rigid attitudes early in life. Result: doesn?t ask to have needs met. "I don?t need anybody?s help. I can handle it alone."
3. Has extreme difficulty being emotionally expressive. "I don?t talk about my feelings ? that?s nobody?s business."
4. Has difficulty establishing close interpersonal relationships. Has little trust in others. "I don?t let anyone get too close. I would only get hurt."
5. Feels nervous, often on mental alert. "I find it is hard to relax, even when I?m exhausted."
6. Has exaggerated need for approval from others. "I just want to make everyone happy, just to please them:?
7. Represses memory ? tells himself the bad things he experienced growing up didn?t happen. "I didn?t have it so bad at home. I know many kids who had it a lot worse."
8. Attempts to convince himself that he would be happy, if only (someone else) would change. "When I make my mother happy, I?ll quit feeling guilty:?
9. Lives life as a chronic victim and is extremely serious. Does not know how to experience happiness. "I can?t believe the way things always turn against me, but that?s how life is for me:?
10. Has difficulty experiencing normal feelings. "I feel unhappy most of the time but when I don?t, it feels strange and I never expect the happiness to last:?
11. Feels high level of anxiety in day-to-day situations. "I?m okay with changes as long as they are very specific [black and white]. But, it makes me very nervous when I can?t predict the outcome [gray]."
12. Has extreme fear of abandonment. "I know it?s crazy to live with him, but I could never make it without him:?
Co-dependency and Addiction
Co-dependents find themselves in unenviable relationships with addicts of all types. Regardless of the addiction, those living with addicts are affected by their behavior.
The temptation to change the addict is all but irresistible. Scheming, plotting and planning ways to control the dependent person becomes the obsession of almost everyone living with an addict. This is where co-dependency grows and emerges as a lifestyle. This battle for control and power becomes the main cause of dependent relationships and defines how each person will function.
Co-dependents assume the role of rescuer and fixer, to help the dependent person and stop their own misery. Dependent persons assume the role of victim and scapegoat and look for ways to maintain and rationalize their addiction.
The co-dependent?s relationship with an addicted person becomes an important one in that the two create a very enmeshed partnership, supporting one another?s needs. This support system becomes the fabric which weaves the two together in a life of endless misery.
The significance with which these relationships grew and evolved fostered the concept of Adult Children of Alcoholics. The problems brought on by these relationships could no longer be ignored and so ?Adult Children" was born.
"Adult Children"
The term Adult Children has recently been coined and refers to people who grew up in alcoholic families. Much has been written about adult children of alcoholics. Claudia Black, in her book, It Will Never Happen To Me, defined three basic rules that such children lived with: don?t talk; don?t trust; and, don?t feel. If you grew up in a fairly average alcoholic family, you can certainly relate to these rules.
You didn?t talk because everybody was too busy with the chaos created by the alcoholic parent. Besides, who had the time to listen? You didn?t trust! Early in life you learned that parents often did not mean what they said or say what they meant. You did not trust your role models. In fact, it could be assumed that all grown-ups were untrustworthy; you couldn?t trust anyone. Finally, growing up in an alcoholic family certainly taught you not to feel. The alcoholic family didn?t tolerate feelings, especially the bad ones. Suppressing and keeping your feelings inside was the way you handled your feelings.
These conditions, which shaped so much of the personality of the child in an alcoholic family, are not unique to alcoholic families. The same rules applied in divorced families; families with significant medical or psychological illness; families where the parents were not themselves alcoholic but grew up in alcoholic families, passing the traits on to their children; families where parents were absent; or any family with other significant dysfunction.
Adult children are those who grew up in virtually any dysfunctional environment, fertile ground for the development of another addiction ? addiction to misery. Familiarity with unhappiness, stress and misery created by the dysfunctional home produced perfect recruits for becoming addicted to misery.
The study of adult children in this country has identified the profound effect that who, where, and how we grew up explains much of our adult behavior, beliefs and attitudes. The point is that adult children of alcoholIcs don?t have the market cornered on misery and co-dependency. Many more of us who struggled in some type of dysfunctional family also suffered and the resounding conclusion was that familiarity with unhappiness and misery; poor self-esteem; repression of feelings; over-worrying or over-anticipating; the need to please, rescue or fix became our mainstay. The groundwork was laid for our addiction to misery.
Laboratory Experiments
1. Look at the Symptoms of Co-dependency section. Write down the way you see yourself with regard to each symptom. Try to remember when the symptom began and what was going on at that time in your life. Now, rate your level of each symptom from 1 (low) to 5 (high). Add the scores and note your level of codependency.
|
0-12 |
Occasionally affected by others but not generally a problem. |
|
13-24 |
Probable co-dependent characteristics. Certainly time to look at how others affect you and your feelings. |
|
25-36 |
Co-dependent characteristics. Scoring in this range suggests you should evaluate what you do when experiencing these symptoms. |
|
37+ |
Seriously co-dependent. Seek professional help to develop a plan to stop the pain from these symptoms. |
2. Think of ways in which you might try to change. Write down these ideas for later reference.
Don't feel you have to post your answers. And some of you might want to make one list of answers for your family and a second list the WTS. And some might look at this in regards to your present relationships
