divorce, stress and the unknowns?...

by Axelspeed 16 Replies latest social relationships

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  Axelspeed

  For those who have been thru it (I hate the sound of the word), what is the most stressful aspect and what would you do differently? And what did you not expect? I would like to know as right now it has become a real possibility for me. I come from a family background that is truly unfamiliar with it, and I would be breaking new ground as far as that is concerned.

  Right now all I can think about is 1) being a failure at it, 2) the wasted years, and 3) fear of the unknown beyond it all. I wonder is it worth it to start over? But I also wonder if we can we both can afford mentally to keep living like this? Is this the point when others before me have called it quits? The person I am with is really a good person, but a real true believer in the truest sense and we are just really different people now with very different outlooks at this point in time. At this point neither of us are happy, just in a sort of no man's land. Partly because me married very young, but mostly because the JW thing makes it harder every day.
  
  We live separate lives? she can not fathom not having me there ?taking the lead? (she?s tried with the hopes that I would come around), and I cannot stomach the thought of ever going back to that mindset. I tried visiting just to see if I could just go and hold my nose?I couldn?t wait to leave. I have nothing against any of the ?friends?, to me they really are victims of victims. I was never really treated badly by anyone and could go back tomorrow if that was the type of person I was or the type of double life I could lead? but there is no way I could squeeze into that box again even if I tried.
  
  Any thoughts?
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  shotgun

  Just amen to your post...were you reading my mind...now throw a child into the mix.
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  FreeWilly

  It's no fun, believe me. I went through the big D about 2 years ago. It was shortly after leaving the 'troof' as well. I basically cleaned house with my life. As far as my marriage was concerned, deep down I knew I could not stay in it. I had all of the second guesses you mentioned, all the fears, worries of what others would think (like my family). It basically took me a year of vacillating before I actually went through with it. That was time wasted. I should have went with my gut.

  It took about a year to fully recover from it all. But let me tell you this, man was that the best thing I ever did. It's like comming out of a smokey room into the fresh air. All the crap that dragged me down is gone. I can honestly say, I have never felt better. Whatever you do, don't sell out on yourself, you'll be miserable. This is the only life you know you have.

  Hope that helps,

  FW
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  copsec

  I think the msot stressful thing to me about my divorce was we were together for 11 years and it was hard not knowing what to expect. Also, he would not let me get "good" jobs. I only had little piddle jobs that had NO benefits and little pay so I was worried about how I was gonna take care of myself. With the help of one friend who let me move in and share rent, the help of another who gave me some furniture and the help of another who got me a new job, I was able to make it! But it was very stressful and it was then I learned to drink ALOT! I don't do it as often know but the divorce sure started me on the way. Good Luck! And believe, me everyone who ahs said don't stay if you are miserable is RIGHT! You have to make YOU happy!
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  imallgrowedup

  FW and cop -

  At what point do you know when the risk of being alone or only meeting others who are on drugs or hung up on their ex outweighs the misery?

  Inquiring Minds Want to Know.

  growedup
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  zev

  i have much to say about this.

  i'll be back with some personal thoughts, and my experience thus far.
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  reboot

  ((((hi)))) and a big hug for you, i'm in a similar place, a little further down the line, with children and other things thrown into the mix.

  Some people have confided in me that they're happy staying to bring up the children, not wanting to rock the boat because of fear of the unknown or fear of family reactions.I've tried that, but over the past two years i've found it emotionally and physically draining and impossibly stressfull even though i've been doing it for the 'right' reasons - the children.I feel guilty that my husband would'nt be able to live with the people he loves most and that makes me feel like a bad person and regardless of what he's done I struggle against changing everyone's lives, forgetting that i'm allowed to be happy too.As a parent your sole purpose is to make everything ok; and it's tough to feel your'e going to cause your children pain.

  As for your families ; perhaps they'd like to see you happy?

  Life seems in limbo because the more pro's and con's you throw into the mix the more complicated the decision becomes.

  The simple question should be-will I be happier if I stay or if I go?

  I think we know the answer but we have to give ourselves permission to bail out on a marriage.

  Have you tried couple's councelling? It might help you get some clarity?

  I've been reading a book i'd highly recommend, it's called ' Too good to leave, too bad to stay.' by Mira Kirshenbaum (Michael Joseph) it's on Amazon. It's been really helpful and I can't praise it enough.The book asks you thought provoking questions that moves you through the book, taking you forwards to a decision about whether you'd be happiest if you leave, or if you stay.

  Good luck and what ever happens we're here for you xxxxxxxx

  oops-edited to add-I have been divorced before-hubby left me for best friend, then moved her into the house-so I left; then he wanted be back......that was incredible stressfull at the time; but I can honestly say; that even though I let him keep everything except me and just walked......I had no where to live, no furniture etc.....the most stressfull period was just befpre leaving; as soon as I had gone, allowing for the obvious changeof circumstances and feelings of loss, I felt wonderful and never once doubted i'd made the right decision even though he gave me suicide threats.

  Sometimes we have to trust in what we already know and if you don't have children then the decision really is only about you and what you want, the other person's reaction to your decision is'nt your problem.
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  myauntfanny

  It's very sad to end a long marriage, especially if you married young and it's your first marriage. But honestly, if it's over in your heart, I don't think you do her any favour by staying. If she's chosen her religion over you, then she needs to accept the consequences and move on and try to find someone who can give her what she needs. People inevitably feel guilty about being the one who makes the first move, but in my experience both partners share the responsibility, even if the one who has been left doesn't feel that way.

  The unknowns are not so bad. Some people just heave a sigh of relief after a divorce, but most people have a period of being absolutely lost and wretched, and then things pick up. Sometimes fear is the price you have to pay for being true to yourself. When you're lying on your deathbed, which life do you want to look back on? One where you stuck up for yourself, and went for what you needed? Or one where you gave up on yourself and what you needed? That's the question that always gets me moving when I'd rather avoid the hassle.
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  Maverick

  I was married for 15 years and was an active dud when she left me and our daughter. She was DF'd, I was an MS at the time. After the financial bloodletting, I cashed in my retirement to keep the house and custody of my then 13 year old daughter, I had to deal with putting my life back together. The JW where not there for me and that was when I started to see the cracks in the WTS. It took five years to rebuild my life and to replace all the material things she took when she stripped the house. Looking back now I can't imagine how I lived with her so long.

  Are you ready to give her half of everything you have?

  Give yourself a year for every five you where married when it comes to relationships.

  I was in my early 40's when all this happened. So I had a very stable business and that helped me through it. Do you have a good job that will afford you to pay child support and/or alimony?

  I wish you the best! Maverick
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  Lady Lee

  Having gone through it I can say for me it was the best thing I ever did - and well leave the dubs which I did at the same time. Mind you I was married to an abuser so I knew I needed to get out before I killed myself.

  What surprised me the most is that even though I really wanted and needed to get away from him, I went through all the "what ifs..." and "Did I do the right thing?"

  I know I did and that there was no way I could have gone back but I went through a mourning process - not for him but for all the hopes I had that were now gone.

  Staying for the sake of the children would have been terrible. I got myself and them away from an abusive controlling man. He was the only one of us that was happy because he got his needs met and lived his life on his terms at our expense. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner for both the kids and my sake.

  Imallgrowed up

  At what point do you know when the risk of being alone or only meeting others who are on drugs or hung up on their ex outweighs the misery?

  Being alone is better than losing yourself.