Help me out? a request for critique on my writing

Sirona

Hi Everyone

I hope you don't mind me asking, but I know lots of people here so I thought I'd post to ask for your opinions on my most recent short story. I've posted it here on a short story writing website http://www.eastoftheweb.com/uncut/node/view/2370 Honestly I'm looking for constructive critisism - its OK to be harsh.

The story is a bit humourous and is less than 1100 words, so it's a quick read. If you are really kind, you could comment over on that site too.

I've always wanted to write more and ultimately get something published, and this is a way for me to try to improve and learn. If there are any writers out there, I'd like to here from you too!

Thanks in advance.

Sirona

Valis

Cheers and nice writing Sirona.

Sincerely,

District Overbeer

Gadget

I liked it, especially the second half and the ending.

slipnslidemaster

I thought it was clever!! Write more!! I was bummed when it was finished.

My thoughts:

You used "really" too close together in the first two paragraphs and there is one spot where the board doesn't lisp when saying "you're". I thought it was really cool!!!

Insomniac

Sirona- I liked it, very much. It was a good story, packed into so few words; proof that we don't need to drag on for 5,000 pages (like Stephen King) in order to tell a tale well.

I wondered about the girl. Why did he care, what was different about her? And, like one of the posters on that site, I thought a brief description of her (and the other's) reactions to the Ouija's statement would have worked nicely.

Good grammar, good spelling, good sentence structure....Sorry, I work as an English and writing tutor, and can't help noticing those things. I'd enjoy reading more of your work, especially a longer piece that would allow you more room to develop the plot. This is definitely a piece you can be proud of, and a pleasure to read. Thank you for sharing this with us!

slipnslidemaster

I thought it was super groovy!!!

SanFranciscoJim

As a published writer myself, I want to congratulate you for putting your story in print. A lot of people dream of writing, but I salute anyone who actually takes the time to put their thoughts into words. There are many talented, eloquent people on this board who have this ability, and I hope that, by your example, more will take the opportunity to enter the writing field, even if only as a hobby, if not a vocation.

Your storyline is unique. This is a mark of a good writer. So many stories have been rehashed that it takes someone with a special talent to come up with a work as unusual and entertaining as yours is. It is difficult to critique your work simply because it is so short, but I would say that you're off to a fine start. Perhaps the only criticism I might have is that you could have told us a bit more about the characters in the story through more vivid description, but in a short story that is not always an absolute necessity.

By the way, in case you aren't aware of my novel, it's called Squares, Triangles, and Saucers, and is a story about a young man who is abducted by extraterrestrials while on his way to the Caribbean to commit suicide. If you're interested, you can read more about my book at: http://www.rationallunacy.com/write/scifi.html

Best of success with your writing, and once again, congratulations!

Sirona

Oh. I don't know what to say apart from "Thanks!"

Valis, Gadget - I'm really glad you enjoyed it. It means a lot to me to know that people simply like the story even if they're not looking at the grammar etc.

Slipnslidemaster - thanks a lot for the input. I have actually revised the story slightly (although i can't remember now whether I changed the two "really"s - doh).

Insomniac - thanks a lot, as I say I've revised the story to include the girl's reaction and a bit more info about why Jack is so protective of her. I'm really glad that you mentioned the grammar and sentence structure, that means a lot to me because noone has actually mentioned it apart from you! It helps to know that people are not thinking "good idea, shame about the words/ grammar"

Sanfranciscojim - I can't express how you've encouraged me to carry on writing. I am also really surprised that a published writer would compliment my work! Do you remember starting to write "seriously" for the first time? I am often filled with doubt. The fact is that this story is my second short story in as many weeks, and what drove me to actually get on with it was a desire to simply write something even if people didn't enjoy it (that and the fact that I just got a new laptop, so it's now so easy and enjoyable to sit and type). The first story wasn't up to scratch in my opinion, but I will be going back to revise it (I'm letting it lie for a bit because I want to look it over with fresh eyes).

Like everyone in the universe my aim is to get something published. Short stories are a good first step.

Sirona

PS. Anyone who hasn't read the story - please read it and give me your opinion. I don't care if you're a writer or not because the more feedback I get the better!

Sirona

sanfransiscojim - I forgot to mention that I will definately be reading your book (if I can get a copy)!

Sirona

LittleToe

Good twist!!!

I enjoyed it. Thanks.
You should write more.

Help me out? a request for critique on my writing

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