Hi Guy`s, [Monday evening] Hey it`s really great to hear from fellow Brits....Most of the other posters on this forum are Yanks or Canadian who MOSTLY just don`t get our British sense of humour.Several times now I`ve either put my foot in-it or upset some woman in the deep South [Boot-leg country or whatever the hell they call it.]This thread is a great example, I guess they`ve never heard of The Idiots Guide books,and may even think you have to be an idiot to contribute to it...!!!And by putting a Government Health Warning at the start, may act like a firewall to SOME Americans.I still love em though.And made good friends with many.The Canadians seem very simular to us Limmies..Nutcases!! Dansk, Hi Ian, What congregtion was I in? Several. As a child I was dragged screaming and kicking to Putney congregation in London.Then in the 70s went to Chelsea [ Abbadon on this forum was there also], then I moved to a small place in Devon called Beer Alston just out-side Plymouth.Then to Southsea near Portsmouth.I had girlfriends in Croydon and Bromsgrove, both pioneers.Then I married and went to the North, as far as possible from the witnesses....Leeds/York.I`ve also visited dozens of other Halls around the country/Scotland.That`s why I say all congregations are the same, with veriations ofcourse,but I would guess that 65% have a mega over weight sister.I`ll never forget one; Printed under her passport photo was writen " continued on the next three pages "! At a JW wedding reception her huge bulk blocked out half the food table[ ten wallpaper pasteing tables covered in paper table cloths along the side wall [in five minutes flat she cleared half the food away,after some-one complained about her,she said " I don`t know what she means, I`ve been eating like a bird...!!! [yeah, hopping from one table to the next!]Then she sent out for a large Pizza! Most of her huge bulk was made-up of Methane gas,she not only used to stink of sweat...Thursday nights she`d come in late following a huge dinner,by 8:30pm she`d start farting.Not loud ones,but those sly SBDs.She always sat in the front row in one of them orange plastic bucket seats with a hole at the back.One thursday I got to the hall early and placed a nite-light candle under her seat, alight.At 8:30pm bang on time, there was this great whoooosh and a sheet of flame as she shot up through the ceiling... She`s still orbiting the earth, if you look up on a stary night you may just see her passing Manchester.... I hope this guide isn`t making you a little home-sick??????[ hey,you wouldn`t hit a man with glasses would ya!!!].Thanks for the "Armageddon`s just around the corner" JW phrase, it`s classic and timeless...PERFECT..!!! ( Thank God you`ve managed to keep your fantastic sense of humour!!) Guy`s/Jill, PLEASE accept my apologies for my very badly writen posts above.The opening post[ The Idiot`s guide to becoming a JW] was first writen in Windows Note pad,and then I copied it and pasted it on-to the box you send these posts in on.Some-times it comes out all over the place with huge spaces;[as with that time.] The reason I always do that is because some-times after typing-out a long message,which has taken me an hour or so,I pressed "send" only to have it suddenly dissapear..!!![ If you want to do this yourself, please remember to click-on the question box`s before trying to copy and paste.Any problems,please ask].The last post I sent in, was full of spelling misstakes( rap, Windsor knot etc.)sorry Wallflower, I ACCIDENTLY got a little sloshed!!! I`ll try to explain; Last summer I made twenty bottles of home-made Pea-pod wine.It was a bit stronger than usal.... infact I used two bottles to run my fourstroke lawn mower, a bottle to burn out an old tree-stump( it`s has the same effect as the blood of that alien in the film Alien),and half a bottle diluted in 5 gallons of water to strip the paint off my garden shed.Drinking it is rather like giving a blow-job to a flame-thrower.. so my wife says....! Just before sending in my last post, my wife told me to pour it all down the sink OR ELSE..!!! I removed the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, accept for one glass, which I drank.I then removed the cork from the second bottle, and poured a glass,which I drank,and poured the contents down the sink.I then removed the next contents from the glass,and poured the cork down the sink,accept for one bottle,which I drank.I then poured a bottle down the next glass,which I drank,and poured the sink down the cork.When the house came around the second time, I steadied it with one hand and removed the next glass from the bottle,which I drank,and poured the cork down the contents,accept for one sink.I then removed the contents from the next sink,which I drank, and poured the cork down the glass,accept for one bottle.I then poured the next sink,which I drank,accept for one bottle and cork,and poured the rest down the glass....When I was finished, I lined up all the bottles,corks,glasses and sinks,and it came to zeventee zeverrn.Then I noticed a post from you, so I answered it straight away.Zzzorry about zhat. And Wallflower, Regarding my neighbours 18year old daughter: One of the things that puzzles me about the Americans is the way they throw billions of dollars into these Space programs they have,just to find out if theres water on Mars, or trying to find out how old some stupid Comet is,when theres much more important questions needed to be answered like; How is it women can always tell when your having a sly peek at their knics when they bend over, half a bloody mile away through a telescope when they have their backs to ya ????? Seems to me,the US Government needs to get their bloody priorities sorted out....They should get all the worlds great thinkers together,Stephen Hawkin etc...stop them wasteing time studying black-holes,worm holes,time travel and all that crap,and get them to answer this GREAT mystery of the universe..... Well you definately have me well sown-up Wallflower,actually I`m trying to win this years presstidius and much coverted Perverts Award for 2004.But from your post, it looks like your just in the lead to me, having got a T-shirt etc... ( God it`s GREAT having you here!!!). [Big Shooter] ( I`m sitting here typing this with my bum cheeks VERY tightly clenched together,I just can`t get that picture of them children gathered around that Elder`s feet out of my head,in a Drama.I must nip down to Tesco`s and get a good supply of Andrex Toilet paper in, if this guide go`s on much longer.... oops, just thought of another JW phrase: " I love the assembly Drama`s, their the best bit". [No, the best bits just after the closing prayer on sunday night,when you shoot off to have a cigarette in the men`s bog...or a joint!].Ofcourse if your a Gay American, you shoot off to the John for a fag.... Two new JW bum-clenchin` phrase`s : " Thinking persons" & " New Uderstanding". Note to Wannabee JW`s reading this guide; The phrase "Thinking persons" is used by The Watchtower Bible and Trap Society in all their teaching publictions, basically it`s used to flatter you. All other people are morons to the witnesses.The term " New Understanding" means that God`s Holy spirit,which is perfect as God is perfect,made a misstake when it first guided the Faithful and Discreet Slave class to tell every-one it`s cannabalism to have a organ transplant in their Watchtower`s.Now it`s okay to have a transplant.Shame about the thousands that died between these U turns.The term " New light" means the same,but taken from a scripture in Proverbs talking about wisdom.Jehovah`s witnesses only read the whole page or chapter when it suits them, this verse in Proverbs explains all JW New understandings,Generation,1975 etc..etc..plus whole books and Watchtower publications now classed as "Old light". Thanks Guy`s, any-more Butt clenching JW quotes,types of witnesses,rules,doctrines etc..???
