I'm a "long time listener", "first time caller". I've been eavesdropping on this site for a couple of months now, trying to detach from my beliefs engrained in me for forty years (since birth). I've finally got the time and the ambition to share my story with you all, since you've so gratiously shared your story with me (electronically).
I'm a 4th generation JW, or perhaps I should say "I WAS a ..." (old habits die hard). I was disfellowshipped over a year ago for *gasp* fornication. (Yeah, I "deserved" it) I wasn't proud and tried my best to right my wrong by dumping my boyfriend and going to all of the meetings. I was especially concerned for my two children ages 9 (girl) and 14 (boy).
But before I go on to tell you the events of my recent attempts at being reinstated, let me tell you about the speed in which it took to disfellowship me. I came forward to report my sin in a letter to the elders, thinking that if I did so, I'd be shown mercy. Perhaps, I reasoned, I may only receive private reproof. After all I'm a single mom, struggling with two kids, recently divorced from a raging alcoholic husband, supporting my family all on my own. What a laugh to think THEY'd have mercy on me.
I'm a 40 year young woman with a 'past'. Yes, this wasn't my first run-in with the JW Police. I had been disfellowshipped 10 years ago for the same thing! Actually it was almost the same circumstances. Alone with two children (my oldest son has grown up now and was 19 when I was disfellowshipped last year) and divorcing an alcoholic husband, and got involved with a guy at work who turned out to be husband #2 (ended up being a drunk, too).
So, let's review...I have a past--no doubt written all over my secret file, and I'm confessing to doing 'the deed' again? Ahh! Let's form a committee, and get this one over with! I was a gonner' before I even knew it. When I attended the first committee meeting, I said my peace, very few details were asked, I was asked to wait outside the room (no doubt so they could "pray over the matter and get direction from the HS"), invited back into the room and was told the decision was made to disfellowship me. They stated that the main reason was that I didn't give any indication that I would stop seeing my boyfriend--but they never really asked me what my intention was. Even if they had--I didn't KNOW what I was going to do-I was looking for direction from these 'wise' older men. They asked if I could see myself marrying 'this man' and I said "Yes, I could" (trick question). They took that to mean I WAS going to and they couldn't stop me or 'control' me. It's really about CONTROL, you know.
They had their mind made up before they heard any more details, truth be known, they had their minds made up before I said anything (they'd read my confession letter). They had been observing me for years. I was never considered very spiritually strong. I could only average 6 to 8 hours a month in FS and about the same amount of magazines. I conducted a BS off and on with my kids that I counted but I didn't cheat like some publishers and count time when I didn't really study with them.
But mind you, I was the spiritual head of the family and I deserved all of the hardship I had because it was I that married (that second time) out of the truth. I was a 'slut' in their eyes and my children were considered (and treated like) bastards. We never really fit in. We were rarely asked to any gatherings (except when 'everyone' was invited or they had a special part on the meetings about inviting widows and orphans).
All of the elders on my committee were my age. Two were raised in the truth (like me), and the third I remember coming into the truth when we were teenagers. I'd only been to one of their houses for a gathering--one time. Mind you, these were the shepherds that were supposed to be looking after me! They didn't even know me.
They made the decision to disfellowship me in 20 minutes (all the while I'm sweating in the hallway, thinking I have a 'chance'). They probably really took a vote and knew they were going to df me in 3 minutes but had to catch up on the latest KH gossip and didn't want it to look like they'd made a hasty decision. Plus, they probably didn't want to rush home to their fridgid wives anytime soon.
In the days that followed I walked around in a daze. I reviewed in my mind what happened in the committee meeting and began to see past the facade of a 'loving organization' and realize these men couldn't wait to administer 'justice' by getting rid of this rottenous leven before everybody else in the congregation started divorcing their druken spouses and got involve with someone who treated them kind and lovingly (albeit 'worldly').
Yes, if the reason you disfellowship people is 1) because they're unrepentant or 2) pose a threat to the rest of the congregation then I ask: Why was I disfellowshipped? 1) I went to THEM [elders] and confessed my sin and 2) NO ONE (in the congregation or in the 'world') knew of my relationship with my boyfriend-he was from out of town and we were never seen together.
Water under the bridge. Fast forward...
I attended meetings religiously (pun intended) for a year after my disfellowshipping. Sure I missed some meetings but got to more than most of the R&F. My boyfriend and I broke our relationship off several times during this year. I found it VERY difficult to be without him. Being raised as a Witness, I fit the 'profile' and Jang often discusses on this board. Nothing I ever did was good enough and I had a low opinion of myself. When I met my boyfriend, he made me feel loved-truly loved...like what love is supposed to feel like. He didn't put an organization or a bottle of booze ahead of my interests--he loved ME first, then other things/people.
I had never been in this 'place' and, quite frankly, I liked it! So, to deny myself his company and love in exchange for an organization that didn't want me and treated me with distain was downright unnatural! But, for my 'children's sake' (you know their belief's) I sacraficed my happiness and broke it off with my soul-mate. I went several months without sleeping with him, I attended meetings, I prayed, I tried to do the right thing so I could be reinstated-hoping that once able to associate with my bros & sisters that I could be strong and replace the hole left by my bf. I wrote my letter (about two months ago) requesting re-instatement, groveling at the feet of these mighty men who were busy looking for more stones to cast at me.
It took them three weeks to arrange a committee meeting with me to consider the reinstatenent and then another two to actually meet because the first meeting arranged after a Tuesday night TMS/SM was cancelled because one of the brothers had to work. Yeah, I sat in the meeting for two hours only to be told afterward that we wouldn't meet after all. God forbid they call me ahead of time. Had they have, I may not have even come to the meeting. But remember--I'm disfellowshipped, and lower than dirt in their eyes--no concern or consideration need be given to me.
My request for reinstatement was offered--it had been over a year since the disfellowshipping. I told a 'white lie' and said that I hadn't been with my bf for over 8 months (reality was more like 2 or 3 months). They listened, asked few questions, then pointed out that my meeting attendance was weak and that was about the only way they could determine if someone was truly repentant. One elder actually calculated that I attended 33% of the meetings. I told him that I kept count too (I really did, but unfortunately I hadn't done the math before the committee meeting. After the fact I determined that since the first of the year, I had attended 53% of the meetings and assemblies.) He was just trying to bluff/bully me with the 33% figure.
I started crying when he made this statement as the realization that they weren't going to 'let me back in' washed over me. Nope, nada, nine, nix, not gonna' do it! I told them (sobbing) "Don't you realize that I'm hanging on by my fingernails? I don't know how much longer I can go!" These are cold hearted men! They're faces never cracked--they remained hard as stone. One elder spoke up "I can appreciate what you're saying and if you would like to write another letter soon, we'd be happy to consider it." He could 'appreciate' what I was saying or feeling...HOW? He was raised in the truth and NEVER had to beg some man to forgive him and let him back in the 'club' again.
Apparently a single letter, 'pretty good' meeting attendance, and halting all worldly sins isn't really enough to fit the 'formula' for second time df'd to be re-instated. I left that meeting with a spirit broken. I cried like a baby all the way home feeling [perhaps 'knowing'] that I wasn't willing to give THEM any more chances to humiliate me. My children waited at home (I had run them home then went back to the hall for the committee meeting) for the 'verdict'. When I told them the answer was "No" they wanted to know why. Hell, I wanted to know why! They didn't understand either.
This practice CANNOT be approved by God! Is this how Jesus would act? Would he reduce me to tears and not recognize my 'time served'? Would he lord it over me (a weaker vessel) and have the blood of my children (whom these 'loving' elders ignore at meetings) on his hands? Would he ask me to give up the only person on earth (other than my children's innocent, unconditional love)whom I feel loves me for me, my bf?
Right before this time I met a friend at work (we were at a sales meeting together) who was an inactive witness. He turned me on to this website and I've been reading it since. I've found so many similar stories and sentiments. I've had a lot (an amazing amount, actually) of mixed feelings since that fateful meeting. I only attended one other meeting since the committee meeting denying me 're-admittance' into the borg. My son 14, gave a talk the next week and I took him (and his sister) that night.
A Side-Thought--I think it's funny the fact that I'm not allowed to speak at meetings and my influence to the congregation would be considered poison, yet my son gives talks WRITTEN BY ME! My daughter 9, answers questions/makes comments at meetings/bookstudy by saying what I whispered in her ear. How ironic!
I'm also bothered by the expectation that I attend the Theocratic Ministry School and Service Meeting, who by definition are designed to train 'us' to go door-to-door, yet I am forbidden to do so (d-2-d). Furthermore, I'm not allowed to have a Kingdom Ministry to follow along or to study in advance (makes for quite an interesting Written Review night when I sit there and draw pictures and make shadow puppets on the wall because I don't have a test to take). Additionally (yes, it goes on...) I am considered low-life scum by the R&F, not even deserving of a courteous smile. I am invisible. My children (and this bothers me MOST...)are second class citizens, but they always have been since their daddy was an un-believer and their mom didn't keep up with the sisterly clique. We were all 'walking death' to these JW's. WHY THE HELL BOTHER?
It is this question that haunts me now. After reading the postings on this and other apostate boards, I now do what I've always told others to do--QUESTION EVERYTHING. (I AM an X-file fan!) I doubt my 'religion' now. Before recently, I considered myself a Witness, even though I was disfellowshipped. But things have changed SO much recently.
I'm back with my bf. I called him crying the night I was denied re-instatement (10:00 pm). He tried to console me from 100 miles away. He drove up the next day. We've been inseparable ever since, seeing each other weekly. Marriage is in our future. I have worldly friends who have been there for me, too. Good christian friends who recognize that we all make mistakes and it's God who does the forgiving, not three imperfect men guided by a fanatical, rule-based organization.
In my topic above I put "finding out I'm adopted". This entire faith-shattering process has proven to be like finding out that the people I thought were my parents were lying to me, that I was, in reality, adopted. Now I'm in search of my 'real' parents. Whereas I will always have an 'affection' for my adopted parents ('affection' in the sense that I am grateful that I had a good moral upbringing), I am now on the quest to find my 'real' parents/God & Jesus, because I KNOW that they are loving, kind, good, just, wise, and powerful.
I am not angry with my actual parents for raising me in the 'truth', because, being 4th generation JW's, it's all they knew. It has made me the person I am today. I am a good person. I am kind to strangers (unlike the JW's at the kingdom hall toward me), I have a genuine interest in my fellow men, I love my children unconditionally (unlike the conditional love of my mom and dad), I don't intentionally cheat, lie or steal, the list goes on. Basically, I'm like those 'good Christians' that I used to meet in field service and wondered how a God of love could destroy them.
I'm still (And probably will for quite a while) looking for a faith to anchor my hopes to. Perhaps it's simply in the truths of the Bible. I don't think it's in 'organized religion'. I recently purchased an NIV (New International Version) Bible for myself to read what 'worldly' people have read all of these years. Can it be so different, especially in lieu of the promise by God to preserve the Truths of His Word?
I also bought my teenage son a New King James Version Bible. My intent is to read from these two Bibles (TRUE Bible study) on various practical topics so that we as a family are still taking in spiritual food. I should ease my kids out slowly from the Borg, and focus them on the Bible, not an organization. Now it actually pains me that my 14 year old says "But I STILL want to go to meetings, Mom." I (with the aid of the Borg) sure did a good job of brainwashing. It may take some time un-doing this. I must emphasize the fact to my children that we've always told householders to examine the scriptures for themselves, now it's about time WE actually did that, too.
Well, I've told you my life story, or so it seems. I'm located in Columbus, Ohio so if there are any other 'cyper-kin' out there (Fred Hall-you're not 'kin' to me!)who would like to have a spot of tea sometime, and are close by, notify me and I'll give you my e-mail address.
Thank you "god" (web administrator-Simon) for providing a forum to spread the word of the injustices suffered by a skinned and thrown about people. Surely the real GOD will vindicate those whom he loves and reward them as promised in his Word. Until that time I will attempt to follow (within the limits of my imperfection) Jesus "new" commands 1) to love God with my whole mind, heart, soul and strength and to 2) love my neighbor as myself.
Best wishes to all-Keep posting! Peace Out!
WhatNow?