First Apsotachillifest Texas Style! (page 126)

Xena

aaahhhhhh you guys are so sweet.....I'll share with everyone cause I love ya man

Xena, don't think I had a share of haggis coming, but on the slight chance I'm on the list you are certainly welcome to my share. Believe me, after reading the recepie, I'm not being generous, just pratical. If you do eat the stuff you may wish to partake at the Bradford as it is easy to find Parkland Hospital from there. Bug

arrowstar

You know...Bug has a point. Parkland is nearby

Lisa

Princess

I always thought I'd like to try haggis until someone posted the contents.

Is there any wretched American concoction we can force feed Little Toe? Any ideas?

arrowstar

I can't think of anything. There's probably something but I can't think of it.

Maybe Aunt Dovie's Meatloaf? (shudder)

Lisa of the "I hate mearloaf" class

Frannie Banannie

I dunno....seems as tho, he'll greatly benefit from our chili, if ya read this story about it...heh

Frannie B

>Chili Contest Story
>
>**Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
>first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!
>
>For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
>actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It
>takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
>
>The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
>visiting Texas from the East Coast.
>
>Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
>cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
>happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two
>judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
>besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, So I
>accepted". Here are the scorecards from the event:
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
>Judge # 2--Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
>Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
>remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
>out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
>Judge # 2--Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
>
>Judge #3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
>supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
>give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
>the look on my face.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
>
>Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
>
>Judge #3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like
>I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more
>beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is
in
>the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all of
>
>the beer.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
>other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
>Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
>taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was
>standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is starting to
>look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an
>aphrodisiac!
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
>considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
>the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
>Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
>can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
>paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
>had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
>beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
>It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
>
>Screw those rednecks.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices
>and peppers.
>Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
>Superb.
>
>Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
>sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat
>through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
>slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
anymore.
>I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Chili # 7 Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
>
>Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
>chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
>about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
>uncontrollably.
>
>Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
>wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
>like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which
slid
>unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to match my
>shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
>decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any
>oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole
>in my stomach.
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Chili # 8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
>but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
>Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild nor
>hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when ...
>Judge # 3 ... passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on
>top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how
>he'd have reacted to really hot chili. Wisdom is knowin' when not to let yer alligator mouth overload yer humminbird behind....

Shutterbug

Is there any wretched American concoction we can force feed Little Toe

Mountain oysters, calf fries, bull balls, not wretched to me but perhaps they are to little toe. On the other hand, coming from the UK I suspect he might eat anything. Bug

Mulan

Is there any wretched American concoction we can force feed Little Toe?

How about steamed Okra?? I used to think they were baby alligator tails.

Princess

Good ideas everyone. Steamed okra is rather slimy and yucky. You might have something with the mountain oysters bug.

Keep thinking everyone. I know we can come up with something disgusting, and he has to be sober while eating it. If all else fails we'll make him a chili judge...

First Apsotachillifest Texas Style!

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