though my posts might not reflect it, i find life pretty hard and spend most of my time battling things in my head, regardless of what else i'm doing, thinking too much junk, always trying to figure things out and always ill at ease, i often remember being a kid, looking forward to a future, with goals and things i wanted to do, now i'm an adult and for the life in me i see nothing worth looking forward to. i miss the feeling, when anything is possible, when i'd pine for a thing, or just smile at what i knew i was going to be when i grew up, or what i'd do, or when i'd look in the mirror and see a familiar face.
somehow and somewhere down the road, between becoming a child and a man, i seem to have got stuck. my world changed from sparkles to grey, the brightness became overcast, in fact the whole place is unfamiliar. i know i never enjoyed being a child, but i've not i enjoyed being an adult either, all i enjoyed and held dearest were the private thoughts in my head, what i knew i'd done or what i thought, the person behind the person, me within me, all the things nobody ever notices because you keep them so close and so hidden for fear of losing them, then suddenly you realise that all the feelings that kept you company or gave your life meaning are now buried so deep that you can't find them anymore, and you realise you're not you anymore, you've become a shell of a person, a sum of actions and words and of what people see. you don't feel like you, you don't sound like you, your face doesn't move like it should, you don't even know if your feelings are real or if you feel something because you tell yourself you're supposed to, in fact you've become a complete stranger and you don't even know who you are, you hid yourself so deep inside yourself that you can't find it anymore, you look in the mirror and it's somebody else looking back.
I don't even remember what i wanted to be.
i miss myself.