What do you miss most about the person you wanted to be?

by dh 13 Replies latest jw friends

  • dh

    though my posts might not reflect it, i find life pretty hard and spend most of my time battling things in my head, regardless of what else i'm doing, thinking too much junk, always trying to figure things out and always ill at ease, i often remember being a kid, looking forward to a future, with goals and things i wanted to do, now i'm an adult and for the life in me i see nothing worth looking forward to. i miss the feeling, when anything is possible, when i'd pine for a thing, or just smile at what i knew i was going to be when i grew up, or what i'd do, or when i'd look in the mirror and see a familiar face.

    somehow and somewhere down the road, between becoming a child and a man, i seem to have got stuck. my world changed from sparkles to grey, the brightness became overcast, in fact the whole place is unfamiliar. i know i never enjoyed being a child, but i've not i enjoyed being an adult either, all i enjoyed and held dearest were the private thoughts in my head, what i knew i'd done or what i thought, the person behind the person, me within me, all the things nobody ever notices because you keep them so close and so hidden for fear of losing them, then suddenly you realise that all the feelings that kept you company or gave your life meaning are now buried so deep that you can't find them anymore, and you realise you're not you anymore, you've become a shell of a person, a sum of actions and words and of what people see. you don't feel like you, you don't sound like you, your face doesn't move like it should, you don't even know if your feelings are real or if you feel something because you tell yourself you're supposed to, in fact you've become a complete stranger and you don't even know who you are, you hid yourself so deep inside yourself that you can't find it anymore, you look in the mirror and it's somebody else looking back.

    I don't even remember what i wanted to be.

    i miss myself.

  • Vivamus


    I know what you mean.

  • dustyb

    well....i'm only 20, but i don't feel a lot of my earlier life was wasted (besides the sleep that i was deprived of on sunday). now i feel it because there's time that i have wasted that i could have put to better use. i can't stand my own mother telling me i can't hold my g/f's hand or massage her shoulders or something of the sort.....

    one thing i do remember tho in my youth was being told by the elders and such that i shouldn't make worldy friends because they would be destroyed at armageddon, and armageddon is very soon (keep in mind this is like 15 years back). now that i'm grown up i see that it was just them blowing smoke up my ass, but i still see it as wasted time, becuase there were a lot of kids that wanted to be my friend, but i had to pretend like i was in la la land. i also am mad that i didn't stand up for myself a lot of the times i was picked on because i was told it was bad by them.....not anymore.

    "I don't believe in the Beatles, I just belive in me" - John Lennon

  • Been there
    Been there


    I know what you mean too. A lot of times I think we spend so much time with too much to do we just go on auto pilot. One day our awareness comes to the surface and 10, 20, or 30 years have gone by and you are nowhere where you wanted to be. A lot of people just go with the flow, don't plan, don't take time for quiet solitude to think of where they are or where they are going.

    I have spent most of my life with wars going on in my head. Maybe it's normal? I still don't want to be where I'm at.

    Make just one goal for your life and work towards it. It's a start in the direction you might want to go.

  • happehanna

    this really hit a nerve.

    I am in the process of finding out who on earth I am?

    I too knew where I was going. I had an identity I was a JW I thought I would be living forever.

    this was rubbish but I believed that lie.

    Now I have decided that after 40 years of being a JW I am going to do what I want.

    ok I went off the rails a bit at first but I have sobered up now and I miss me

    elders wife, mother, and all round good egg.

    but would I go back?? No way my eyes are now open.

    but I do miss my old life.... it had security... fake I know but I knew what I was doing and when.

    but would I go back? Not a chance in hell

    I just have to find out what I really want and to do that I have decided to do absolutely nothing other than surf the net and see what there is on offer....................................

  • blondie

    Not a thing. I'm always in the process of becoming the person I want to be. I don't expect I will reach that goal even by the day I die.


  • darkuncle29

    I used to know exactly what I wanted to be when I finished HS. I even went to a year of school towards a degree in chemitry. I still like chemistry and physics, but my world has changed so much that I felt lost. I have had to relive an imaginary childhood where I taught myself the things that I would have wanted to learn as a child. I still don't think I can get close to answering this question, but I like the introspection.

  • Nosferatu

    I guess for me it was different. When I was younger, I had no clue what I wanted to be. A JW living a JW life, or something else. It all was very confusing.

    Now, I'm becoming the person I want to be. It's not in what goals I have for myself, but it's forming my own personality the way I want it. It's not an easy thing to do, but the rewards are unbelieveable. I've taken on so many things I never dreamed of achieving, just by fixing up my personality, my beliefs, my morals and my values. I'm nowhere near what I was 3 years ago (yes, I've changed that much!). I'm very proud of the person I have become, because I worked my ass off to develope the personality I wanted.

  • alias

    I'm always in the process of becoming the person I want to be. I don't expect I will reach that goal even by the day I die. Blondie

    Yep, yep!

    I've come to believe that it's a journey, not a destination. Enjoy the view along the path.


  • one_ugly_time

    dh - something about the way you express yourself, and how chills move from my neck to my shoulders then sprial down my back as I read what you wrote... touched more than a nerve my friend... Here is a poem I wrote 20 some years ago. I'm not sure to this day if I really understand it. For me, it's like one of those paintings where the eyes are always following you. This poem follows me through life and always seems to know who I am inside when I need some help pulling him out.

    Mist of Deception

    The fountain of destiny A journey waiting to be made A stage so near With the whim of time Of an imagination Experience Your journey Until fate itself is quaint Inundating all anxieties Destiny becomes imagination A mist of deception An illusion of time that is near An illusion of fate


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