Old Memories -- Feelings I'd Forgotten

by cruzanheart 10 Replies latest jw friends

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  cruzanheart

  When I was 9 years old, my parents and I moved from Anaheim, California to St. Croix, U.S. Virgin Islands. This was in 1965 (you do the math). In 1970, my parents and I moved from St. Croix to the Northern Territory of Australia. I was 14 at the time. I remember feeling regrets both times that I was leaving my friends but a sense of excitement at the new adventure coming up.

  Or did I?

  Our daughter Jennie's best friend, who is 9 years old, is moving to Japan. Permanently. Her mother, who is American, is married to a Japanese gentleman who has been working here in the U.S. Jennie's friend is the oldest of 5 children and the family is lovely and charming. It's amusing that the mom's gorgeous red hair has not been visited on any of the kids, though! Anyway, long story short is the dad is being laid off from his job and so he decided to go back home with the family to Japan and work for his uncle.

  I'm having a harder time with this than Jennie. She's mourning the loss of her best friend and is grumping around the house, but I feel like crying hysterically, and I'm furious with the parents for doing this to their American kids. I'm seeing the girl have stomach problems and be downright petrified at the thought of moving into such a different culture and having to play catch-up with the Japanese language, which she is not yet proficient in.

  I'm pretty sure that most of the feelings I'm having, which are WAY out of proportion to the situation, are feelings that I had when I moved from California to St. Croix. So I'm self-medicating this morning with a triple espresso mocha blast and a raspberry cheese croissant. (I think that's for my inner kid -- my inner adult would prefer a bottle of wine, though not at 9:00 a.m.) And I'm trying to keep this in perspective so I don't do or say anything inappropriate to the girl or her mother. I've tried telling some stories to the girl about my moves and how I coped with the culture differences, but she is so shut down right now it's painful to see.

  Damn, damn, damn.

  Nina
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  franklin J

  Hang in there Nina,

  I might join you for a cappuccino.

  This may be an opportunity for your daughter to GO VISIT her best friend in a foreign culture. What a great experience that will be. Her friend will adjust, no doubt as an Westerner abroad, and will most likely go to a Western school. Since she has family there; she will be accepted.Especially Japan where I hear they are culture driven like the French. Family is important.

  Growing up on Long Island, my best friend in the congregation was a boy from a family originaly from Oregon. They moved into our congregation from Singapore, having lived all over South East Asia. To me, they were so cosmopolitan and glamorous. His Dad worked for an oil company and they moved frequently. I was a pioneer and was asked to "encourage" him. We became good friends and his families international experiences influenced me greatly. I think of the friendship to this day, ( however, they are still active witnesses and I am not).

  I think this may be an opportunity for your daughter to be exposed to an exciting foreign experience!

  regards, Frank

  ( if you still feel upset; have another caffeine shot---works wonders)
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  LyinEyes

  (((((((((((Nina)))))))))) it is strange how things that happen in our adult lives , reminds us of things that were difficult to us as children.

  When we see our children hurt, or your daughter's b/f hurting, it reminds us of ourselves at that age, and the things we went thru.

  My daughter's b/f has found a new b/f to hang out with , basically my daughter kind of out grew her, but she feels sad still. They have known each other since they were babies and she lives just a house over.

  My daughter is 10 and has been at her granny's for several days , because she is so lonely here . They took her to the circus yesterday and are keeping her busy, which I appreciate.

  Hugs to you and Jennie.
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  Billygoat

  ((((((Nina))))))

  You know, I moved around a lot as a kid too. At the age of 18, dad and I sat down and wrote out every place I'd ever lived. One for every year of my life by that time. EIGHTEEN places!!! Most of them within just a few cities, but even a move down one block can put you into a different school district. Like you, I remember being excited about moving to a new place - fresh starts are always fun to me. But I also remember the awkwardness of trying to fit into a new school, a new kingdom hall, a new neighborhood, where everyone else was completely established. Although it was fun, it was hard work.

  Looking back, I am glad I had the opportunity to live in so many places, as it fit my personality pretty well. I am outgoing, willing to step out and meet new people, there are few situations where I am uncomfortable meeting new people. I know a lot of people have a difficult time meeting people. I've never struggled with that. I think if it weren't for my father's "gypsy" blood and all our moves, I wouldn't be as open to new situations like I am now. It also exposed me to different cultures, races, backgrounds. I really love having had that!

  Continue showing the child you care and help her adjust by continuing to stay in contact after her departure. Jennie will learn a wonderful lesson in true friendship and the child will feel loved when she needs it most. You will also benefit from knowing you've helped another child grow a little. All will be hard, but all will be well in the long run.

  Love to you!

  Andi
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  cruzanheart

  Thanks, guys. I loved living in St. Croix, and to a lesser extent, Australia, and I really don't regret any of the experiences. Could've been worse -- my dad could have moved us to Del Rio, Texas -- "where the need was greater" -- which was where Uncle Paul ended up! At least my life was interesting.

  The parents have intentions of pushing Jennie's BF into a Japanese school for complete culture immersion. It won't be so hard on the younger kids (her brother is Jackson's BF and is 7, then we move down to 4, 3 and 8 months). Jennie's already been invited over for a visit, but of course one or both of us would go with her -- I wouldn't send her by herself (and I wouldn't want to miss a trip to Japan!) And since the mom's relatives are over here (the mom's mother is a Witness, by the way, but she never was) I'm sure they'll be back for visits.

  I'm feeling better -- the espresso has soothed and softened my mood. And this isn't as bad as what happened with our neighbors in our last neighborhood. The are Sikh HIndus, and when the boys' grandmother came to visit she was appalled at the American sassiness her grandsons had developed, so she insisted that the boys (who were 6 and 8 at the time) be sent to India BY THEMSELVES to attend boarding school. The day they left the older boy ran and hid behind our car because he didn't want to leave and had to be carried to the car. The arrangement lasted six months, during which time the younger boy ran away from the school and developed almost life-threatening asthma from the allergens in the area. When they got back they told us stories of the dirty (I think this was a poor part of India) living conditions, and they were really thrilled to be back in the U.S. and near a McDonald's.

  Nina
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  Sassy

  Hey Nina. I don't blame you. You have several reasons for feeling upset about this situation. For the children leaving, for your daughter and even for you since it is bringing memories of your past to mind. Unfortunately there isn't anything you can do about it but be upset. Uprooting kids is so difficult. I guess since I didn't move until after highschool, the idea of being uproot and making new friends as a child would scare me to death, not to mention tear me apart leaving behind close friends. Then have it be a whole culture change too.. wow.. triple difficult. I'm concerned because my bf's daughter might come to live with us. I have no problem with her coming if she does but I think about her making new friends, starting in a new school, right now we're living in the wrong area if she is to be around more of her own race, so we need to check out schools that will have more of a mix of kids rather than only white kids. So much to think about and deal with.. and she is staying in the same country!

  The idea of kids dealing with moving and missing friends..reminded me of the first part of this song by Patty Loveless.. a song between a daughter and mother

  How Can I Help You To Say Goodbye

  Through the back window of a '59 wagon I watched my best friend Jamie slippin' further away I kept on waving 'till I couldn't see her And through my tears, I asked again why we couldn't stay Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye? It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry Come, let me hold you and I will try How can I help you to say goodbye? I sat on our bed, he packed his suitcase I held a picture of our wedding day His hands were trembling, we both were crying He kissed me gently and then he quickly walked away I called up Mama, she said, Time will ease your pain Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye? It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry Come, let me hold you and I will try How can I help you to say goodbye? Sitting with Mama alone in her bedroom She opened her eyes, and then squeezed my hand She said, I have to go now, my time here is over And with her final word, she tried to help me understand Mama whispered softly, Time will ease your pain Life's about changing, nothing ever stays the same And she said, How can I help you to say goodbye? It's OK to hurt, and it's OK to cry Come, let me hold you and I will try How can I help you to say goodbye? How can I help you to say goodbye?
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  Billygoat

  Thanks a bunch Sassy. Now I'm sitting here crying at work over that song.

  *gulp*
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  cruzanheart

  Me too. But thanks! I will show that to Jennie and we'll both have a good cry tonight. It's healing.

  Nina
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  Room 215

  Nina,

  Alomng with Franklin, I would urge you and Jennie to make lemonade from the lemon you've been handed: your friend's move gives you a new place to go, a destination to work and plan towards; start assrmbling those travel guides and maybe even a Japanese phrasebook!
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  simplesally

  That song always makes me cry...................and makes me cry over my grandmother. I remember the last time I saw her and I had to leave. She was in bed ,,,,,,,,,in her own room and we cuddled and cried and said goodbye.