Torn between worlds - How do you manage to co-exist?

by truthseeker 16 Replies latest jw friends

  • truthseeker

    Like many doubting witnesses, I am in (physically) and out (mentally).

    I have family in (physically) and I have family out (mentally).

    Some of my family are out (physically) but are somewhat still in (mentally) due to the mind control.

    How do I deal with it? I don't know - some days go by and I just get on with life. Other times, I feel like a trapped budgie, waiting to escape and fly far away.

    Why am I in? Well, like I said - I have family who are in. I also hope that some of the bigwigs will change things from the top - but I doubt that will ever happen.

    Metatron once said that the Society are unreformable. How true this is.

    A good friend of mine once said that the time will come when you have to put principle above duty.

    So god help me when that day comes, and the consequences with it.

    Are there any of you out there who are still in physically but are out mentally?

    How do you manage? How have you changed with time?

  • Nocturne

    I'm still in physically, and completely out mentally. It's really hard keeping up appearances, but for now I support it because of family. This hasn't been going on for too long, only a couple of months, but I'm not sure exactly when I'm going to exit physically, or how exactly. I just keep my options open, and I know when the time to leave comes, I'll take full advantage of that opportunity.

    For now, all I do is keep a low profile, and even that's tough because I'm losing my friends inside because of it, and since I don't have many friends outside the organization, it gets lonely sometimes. There's this awful feeling of limbo, and I get frustrated sometimes at the situation.

    I'm usually an optimistic person, so I have a good feeling for the future that things will work out for the best. I hope they do for you too truthseeker.


  • Sentinel

    Oh, (((truthseeker))) I so understand your emotional turmoil. Wish I could tell you that it will get better, but as long as you remain "in", even "physically", you are living two lives. The day will come when you can no longer live this lie. Whenever that time comes, you will know it, and although it will no doubt cause you the pain of separation and labeling, you will be truly free.

    I have walked in your shoes. After being a very loyal and faithful JW from age 13 to 21, I began to discover the many issues about this belief system. I could not get any answers and was labeled when I sought understanding. When I was age 21 to 32, I was so filled with guilt, fear and pain, while still not truly a JW in my heart. I felt like I had to stay "in" though, in the "physical", because I had such low self esteem, and insecurities. I did this until '81, when I simply felt as if I was going to lose my mind unless I did what I knew had to be done.

    Yes, it was a most liberating action--the action of walking away. I was immediately judged and labeled by the most influential person in my life, my mother. However, even that pain of rejection did not intimidate me. I have long since moved past the grieving stages, for it is as if there has been a death.

    I hope you will do what your heart tells you; for when we don't listen to our heart, we aren't really living our life as we were meant to live it--fully, completely and with love and compassion. When we are alone with ourselves, we have only ourselves...listen to the messages that come to you and your path will open up.

    Let us know how you are doing. This site is a very good place to begin building your new foundation.


  • stillajwexelder

    Are there any of you out there who are still in physically but are out mentally? How do you manage? How have you changed with time?

    YES ME -- To tell you the truth I do not know how I manage , I just do --- mind you, you could ask a young JW how he or she lives a double life --they just do -- they try to have the best of both worlds-- yes I know it is hypocritical -- so I view it that I am just a JW in mid-life leading a double life -- a JW in reasonable standing (it is not good standing anymore because I very rarely go on the ministry and if something pleasurable comes up like a trip to Las Vegas or the Grand Canyon or whatever, I will go away for the weekend and not worry about missing meetings) so I am a JW in reasonable standing -- but a member of this board and I went to a Christmas Party at work and a Halloween party at Robdar's

  • LittleToe

    I spent about four months in that state, before I DA'ed. This was primarily precipitated by the fact that I gave regular Public Talks, etc., and could no longer teach that stuff.

    Crisis of conscience...

  • Carmel


    I can't really identify with your plight since I decided very early on that the "truth" was not the TRUTH and in so doing my self identity was more important than family. Of course a 15 year old hasn't had the long ties of some one that has been "in" for many years. It took me about two years from the time I was baptized at 12 to finally physically escape. Not too easy to leave at any age but being a dependant child limits one. In your case, if your moniker is true, then I would say you have a wonderful ride ahead of you as reality is worth finding. I presume you are convinced that the FDS is any thing but "faithful", "descreet" or "slaves". That being the case, reform is a joke and you need to get on with finding "truth" and what that means to you.

    You seem to have some family that will support your separating from the Borg. That would be a great advantage over many that are pretty much alone in their struggle to break free. I'd say you will have to put your mind to moving on with life knowing that you have many wonderful things to discover about the world now that you can do so without censorship. I hope you can do so without it causing trouble with the members of the family that are still "in".


  • shotgun

    It's been 13 months of it for me...I've kept holding on but the wife digs in deeper and deeper each passing month. The wind of change is a blowin and I won't be able to take it much longer.

    How do I stand it...can't

  • Sassy

    I don't know how you guys do it.. Stilla mentioned young people living a double life and I have to admit I did that for about a year. The way I could do it though, was that I didn't mean to be doing it. I still believed it was the 'truth' but only that I was a bad girl.. a weak for the flesh girl.. so I would go out with a couple worldly guys here and there.. then my conscience would bother me and I'd tell them I couldn't see them any more.. even told them why.. then I'd straighten up and get to meetings for a couple months, only to weaken when they called again.. Eventually I did finally call an end to it and was trying really hard to get back on track.. well I obviously never exactly did, although I tried for while with all good intentions..

    The thing is there was a difference for me because I still then thought it was the only way to worship God. And although I hated myself for 'sinning', I still wanted to be one of JWs.

    Now it is different.. I see that org for what it is.. I don't honestly know if I could go into a KH. Maybe for my mom's funeral.. I've talked about that in other threads but I don't think I could handle it for any other reason. I totally respect those of you who can juggle that life. Knowing it is false but still being able to put up a front for family sake or other reasons..

    I am having a hard enough time just doing the fade..

  • NeonMadman

    I was in that state for at least 15 years. Among the things I used to cope was 100 mg a day of Zoloft, and a lot of food. Since leaving for good, I'm off the antidepressants and have lost about 100 pounds. Advice? It's going to hurt to get out, but it will hurt just as much later, and it's also going to hurt until then. Once you're out (and I mean, just leave - I wouldn't feel any need to play by their rules and disassociate or to attend any judicial committee meetings), at least you can start to pick up the pieces and get on with your life.

    The exception (as in my own case) would be if you are responsible for a minor child who would be hurt by a breakup of your marriage caused by your leaving the borg. Then you need to step a bit more carefully, as I believe the child's welfare should come first. But as for adults who reject you because of leaving, were they really your friends at all?

  • Special K
    Special K

    To all of you who are in Physically and out mentally.. and feel trapped by family..

    (((( Truthseeker )))




    I just won't you to know that I am thinking about you all and that I care.

    Being who you really are inside ..your true self, and then having to veil that is a really rough life.

    I don't think I could stand to live that way for long periods of time.

    I hope one day you will all be able to become your true selves.. It is certainly a lot easier on the mind.


    Special K

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