Robbing your child of a normal upbringing

RiverPeace

Hello Everyone. Happy to be joining you!

I am a 75 year old, who was baptized in 1968. Had the full-on JW experience. Elder since 1974. Reg Pioneered 20 years. Sub-CO for 13 years. Conducted elders schools, pioneer schools. Circuit / District talks / Dramas. The whole caboodle!!

My wife and I are now in the process of fading - 18 months, so far, so good. Here is my question, which I would appreciate any help with. We have one son (aged 51). Ex-elder. He successfully faded about 8 years ago. Grateful for that. But he has had alcohol-related problems since leaving. Also debt problems. We blame the Organisation for 'messing his head'.

My question is this: How do my wife and I deal with the guilt of raising a child in the Cult? Robbing him of a normal childhood? Having to be the odd one out at school? Strictly limiting his associations? No Xmas / Birthdays etc? Imposing a cruel, stupid, and damaging lifestyle on an innocent little boy?

Any comments you have, to make our twilight years more bearable, will be gratefully received.

Thank you for listening.

Rocketman123

Keep telling him your sorry !

That's the only way I'm afraid

Overrated

Be Truthful and tell him you're sorry and you're duped. This is what my Psychiatrist tells me, I have been duped, heal, recover the best you can, and move on.

Overrated

It is never easy! I had to it on my own . Both parents in. You are lucky.

Damthem

I had to make a new acct, because I could find no PW reset, anyway...only posted here a few times ...was working on moving on, then covid hit...anyway, I really want to respond to your post. I brought my daughter into this religion. She woke up thank goodness, but I feel so guilty. One thing I tell her, (and myself) is that this kind of deeply ingrained indoctrination cannot be undone easily and in fact...if her children can raise their children with a solid goal of refusal to allow mind control, or a determination to never disallow critical thinking...then ultimately it's a win, and maybe, even in a more precious way, than someone whose never been touched by this kind of loss. (Legacy 1.0- is all I got, but will have to be better than nothing).

road to nowhere

Me too. Tell him you made mistakes.

joey jojo

Hello RiverPeace

At least you accept the consequences of your decisions- my parents still cant do that despite my Mother leaving the org 3 decades ago.

My advice would be to encourage him, find ways to make him feel valued. You didnt have a normal parent/child relationship, you didnt spend your time investing in your childs future by helping him pursue his dreams and encouraging his strengths, try and do that now.

Pete Zahut

We're all a work in progress and we strive to do better, once we know better. The only ones who should be wracked by guilt are those who continue in the same course once they are aware they've gone wrong and those who refuse to acknowledge the effect they've had on others.

People throughout the world raise their children with their family or cultural ways and in the religion that they believe in and you were no different. It's what parents are supposed to do. I'm not saying that he doesn't have a legitimate complaint but you may have raised your son as a Lutheran or Presbyterian and he'd have had a whole different set of things to attribute his troubles to and it would be no less or no more, your fault. Imagine what complaints a kid who was raised as a Christian Scientist may have when he or she leaves, especially if he was denied medical treatment and ended up with long term consequences.

It seems (as it is with many) dependance on a religion may have left him with a case of arrested development. When he left the religion in his 40's, he may have only had the emotional maturity of a much younger person. Being a JW who believed they would never grow old, made it easy for most all of us to plateau emotionally and not face up to lifes realities little by little as we grew up. Instead, we had to face these realities all at once. Many are never able to face this and stick with the religion long after they no longer believe. Both those who leave and those who choose to stay, sometimes turn alcohol to ease the utter pain this causes. The thing is, this could have happened with just about any religion depending on how deeply involved one became with it.

I'm guessing you didn't hold your parents responsible for the outcome of your life once you were an adult and didn't expect them to solve your problems and wouldn't even have wanted them to. It seems to me that all you can do is acknowledge your son's pain and let him know you are on his side.

Get some counseling yourself and see what a professional has to say about this situation. Maybe do a little research on "arrested development" and see what the treatment for it is. Typically it has to do with drug/alcohol addiction but it can be attributed to just about any activity that short circuits or hinders a persons emotional development. It may be helpful to become informed on Cults and the residual effects left on a person once they leave one and what it takes to deprogram them and free them of the guilt/fear they may still be carrying.

Growing up a JW definitely has an effect on a person but there are millions who've come through much worse and gone on to have happy lives. If you continue bearing the guilt, it may give him the idea that you are responsible for the outcome rather than him.

smiddy3

Welcome RiverPeace ,I was a convert at age 20 converted my GF who became my wife and we stayed in the religion for 37 years wherin I brought up two boys in the religion ,among other family members .

But the good part is everybody is out except one niece.

Do I have guilt? My bloody oath I do ,but what is done is done and can`t be retracted.Both are now into their second marriage`s and are coping with a successful lifestyle now,and are happy ,one with two young children and one with a grown up son.

I find that with a lot of people who leave the religion and keep having problems emotionally is simply because ,they have left the religion but the religion has never left them.

What they need to do is let the religion go once for all time ,and the only way to do that is prove to yourself that you have been duped into believing a man made up religion ,an American made up religion that has used scriptures taken out of context ,quotations of authorities also taken out of context and came up with their own religion that they claim is the truth.And only they have the truth .

If you have not read Don Camerons "Captives Of A Concept " I strongly advise you to read it ,and then get your son to read it and both of you absorb the message it contains .

I downloaded it from lulu I think many years ago for less than $ 10 I think.

It uses WT publications to debunk many of the claims they make asserting they were chosen by God.

It helps to break the physiological bonds we formed with the religion when we were programmed.

And of course this site particularly for me anyway.

I wish you and your family well ,and especially your son.

Take care.

Hopeless1

Ditto all of the above.

I have daughter in her 40’s still at home with us, faded completely with me over the last few years. She has never had drink/ drugs problems, just extremely low self-esteem and absolute lack of confidence. Hardly surprising given the peer pressure, bullying and lack of concern or even friendship from witnesses in various congregations we were in.

Husband in his 80’s still PIMI, but has never given us any emotional support at all, I am just grateful he got a full-time job, worked hard and got a small pension which keeps the wolf from the door as they say. If he had listened to the super-fine elders that counselled him about missing meetings due to doing overtime, we would be living off government hand-outs now. ( two or three at least of these elders are now millionaires, but we got accused by them of being materialistic?!) (sad thing is, at the time, I agreed with them) Now of course, I just have to find a way of living with the guilt and angst of decades of denying my lovely daughter all the things she had a right to expect from me.

Due to spending time money and energy on the ‘more important spiritual things’, we went without holidays, birthdays, Christmas, education and all the rest, - find myself swinging between thoughts like, ‘wish I was dead’ and ‘ let’s try and make up for lost time’, but find little respite from the fact that not only wasted my own life but probably ruined that of my dear child. (Also, her employment opportunities are not great)

Here in the U.K. we are pretty limited as to mental help, unless you have a GP who is sympathetic and will get you referred.

I believe many who visit this website have the same issues outlined here, even if they never comment.

It is just sad, so if any of you have the answer, please let us all know.

Robbing your child of a normal upbringing

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