Letting Go.......

by ScoobySnax 20 Replies latest jw friends

  • ScoobySnax

    You know my mum went to see Grandad at "rest" (I hate that saying) and she phoned me later that night to tell me she was glad she had gone. It has troubled me since because when she came back and I asked her how it went she said......"Scott, he was so cold laying there.....I tried to hold his hand and make the warmth through my hands transfer onto his, but I couldn't do it, even though I know that was silly, but his hands still were cold....I couldn't warm them up."

    I hate that. I was pleased that my mum (after all it was her dad) had felt better about seeing him after he'd gone, but God, its just so un-natural. Death. I can't get my head round that.

    You know, my nan walked in to see my mum and her other daughters there around my grandads body, and said after a couple of minutes......"Come on....lets go....thats not your father there he's gone......."

    In a strange way I draw comfort from that, that wasn't him. he had gone. My nan is a game old sort, and very wise.

    I surround myself with all this stuff at work day in and day outin my job. Its only when it happens close to home that it really hits.

    I'll play my grandads music that I've downloaded and remember. Thats where he is.


    Yes, Scoobz, that's it.....memories, music and pictures and so much more.

    I have been with persons I have loved when they died.

    It's sad, yet, in a way, death can be a beautiful experience to observe, in certain circumstances.

    It is nice that you can remember him, and actually consciously set out to do so: that'd make Grampy happy, I know it made me happy to read that Scott.

    I lost both my grandfathers some time ago. One in 1978, the other 1984.

    I have just one grandmother, my maternal gran, and she's a hoot! She turns 85 in a couple of months, and she's always on the go. I will miss her something fierce when she leaves this world.

  • ScoobySnax

    and your post made me smile Ray.

    He always used to play these 3 records on old vinyl LPs......and they were played at the funeral, it sounds morbid....but it wasn't.....I remember him putting these on and playing his maracas and drums to them like he was part of the recording! LOL...... silly old sod. Here they are:-

    Spanish Eyes.....Bert Kaempfert

    Slip into Something more Comfortable (Instrumental)......Kinobe

    Rock your Baby......George McCrae

    Funny thing is now he will always be a part of these like he thought he was at the time, but more especially now to us left behind. I love listening to these now. Memories.

  • myself


    It is hard to let go. I lost my grandmother last year, I was fortunate enough to have her until she was 90. Even then I still had it in my heart that she would keep going on (denial, denial denial). I was able to see her a month before she died I live in the south, she in Michigan. (I am eternally grateful for that one last chance) Nevertheless when we were gathered around the table for dinner the night before her funeral I looked across the table where she should have been and the absence hit me so suddenly. I stopped mid-meal and excused myself from the table and went outside and grieved. Minutes later I heard her great-grand children (my daughter included) coming my way. I was comforted by their sweetness and youth and I found comfort in the circle of life. No matter what that loss is there, whether you have contact just before they are gone or not. When you have time to work through the emotions, the wonderful memories are there and that is part of your grandfathers legacy to you.

    I lost my mother the following December due to complications of cancer. My brother had video taped her ( he was taping her as she had gotten a shower to refresh herself and had come out in a comfortable gown and robe). She was one not to be seen without her make up so she went running through his house giggling for him to stop, but he just followed enjoying the squeals and laughter. This would be the last moments of her captured on film, she died about a week later. My brother went to show us the tape and somehow it had been taped over. I was heartbroken, maybe it was a blessing in disguise. I can picture it so clearly without seeing it, and I will settle for that.

    It is refreshing to see you have such a love for someone who was once one of your caretakers. Your grandfather knew that and he would not want you to punish yourself for something unseen. If we punished ourselves for all of our what ifs we wouldn't make it through life. The time will come for you to pass on that same love of your grandfather, and someone will look up to you with that same love and admiration you gave him.

    All my best to you, and my deepest sympathy,


  • ScoobySnax


    If I could reach out to you and give you a hug, I would. I really would.

    To lose your grandmother and to try and look at her place and realise she has gone is one thing, one awful trauma. But to lose your Mum must be devastating. My heart goes out to you so much. I hear all the things you say. I see your mum giggling and laughing too in that robe. I'm so happy its still in your mind fresh. You keep it there. And no make up too? LOL What a smart woman. Your mum.

    Listen if you ever need to chat find me on Yahoo messenger Srex70200 or email me at [email protected]

    You're the one that came across as "refreshing" to me. What a fantastic woman they left in their legacy.

    All my love Scoob. xxx

  • aunthill


    I was very lucky with both my parents: My dad had to have emergency open heart surgery and I dropped everything at work and went to the hospital to see him. Don't ask me how, but I knew he would not walk out of that hospital, but at least I had one last chance to tell him I loved him. I also had the opportunity to take care of my mother and be there when she died. As I said, I am lucky that I am able to say that I have no regrets.

    The first year is the hardest. My heart goes out to you.


  • myself

    Scoob, thank you. I will email you, it does help to talk. Aunthill is right, the first year is the hardest. I think there will always be a part of you that in essence goes with them, just as there are also things that help us grow, which I think is a process through our entire lives. The scabs still losen and leave us a bit of an open sore, but that is a testiment of our love. The memories of of what we are missing are also memories of what we have shared and there are more memories that while they bring a tear, can bring a smile at the same time.

    Don't be afraid to grieve, don't fight it, it will allow you to heal.

    Love back to you,


  • cruzanheart

    (((((Scooby))))) Aunthill is right -- it takes at least a year. You have to go through the year of memories, milestones, holidays -- all the things you shared with him. And then, after a year, you will start to make new memories and milestones. He will never completely go away from you, but the pain will subside. I promise. The first anniversary of my dad's death is this month (the 16th), and I am feeling relief that the first year is gone. I miss him terribly and always will, but life goes on and so does his memory but in a more nostalgic than painful way.

    Give it time and let your grief come out. It's natural and healthy, and a wonderful tribute to your grandfather.

    Love & hugs,


  • ScoobySnax

    Yep. I'll try.



    The early stages of grief are the most difficult because the loss of his precense in the physical form is so sad.

    This is also true in my case. When my mom died I screamed and screamed. I'm sure everyone in my apartment building heard me. I was under the elder's scrutiny at the time and two weeks away from being disfellowshipped. I felt responsible for her death, believe it or not. I know now that was jw-fear at work in me. I felt like because of my "unfaithfulness" to the borg that Gawd was punishing me. I felt like if I had only moved back to Manitoba to be with her when I was thinking to do so, she would still be alive. She had a heart condition that she did not tell me about. I would have been able to encourage her to look after herself better if I was there, I was reasoning. Thing is, her own dub-fear was driving her to look after everyone else except herself. Me being there would have added one more person to her "looking after" list, and she would not have let me "look after" her anyway ...

    When I let go of all the misconceptions around her death, I accepted it better.

    Also, I still very much felt her presence around me. I got a lot of her precious things that gave me a lot of beautiful memories of her. I still feel very close to her even four years later.

    Hope this little story helps you to know you will heal from the grief and come to a place of acceptance and peace with death. It is a natural part of life, really.


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