Paradise After Death:Mark Twain calls out some of the stupider ideas-

by Captain Schmideo2 11 Replies latest jw friends

  • Captain Schmideo2
    Captain Schmideo2

    "In Paradise, I am going to visit [insert favorite Bible character here]" - Said at least once in their life by every devout JW.

    Now, for some hard, cold practicalities-

    Excerpt from "Captain Stormfield's Visit to Heaven"

    “Oh, there are a lot of such things that people expect and don’t get. For instance, there’s a Brooklyn preacher by the name of Talmage, who is laying up a considerable disappointment for himself. He says, every now and then in his sermons, that the first thing he does when he gets to heaven, will be to fling his arms around Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, and kiss them and weep on them. There’s millions of people down there on earth that are promising themselves the same thing. As many as sixty thousand people arrive here every single day, that want to run straight to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, and hug them and weep on them. Now mind you, sixty thousand a day is a pretty heavy contract for those old people. If they were a mind to allow it, they wouldn’t ever have anything to do, year in and year out, but stand up and be hugged and wept on thirty-two hours in the twenty-four. They would be tired out and as wet as muskrats all the time. What would heaven be, to
    them? It would be a mighty good place to get out of—you know that, yourself. Those are kind and gentle old Jews, but they ain’t any fonder of kissing the emotional highlights of Brooklyn than you be. You mark my words, Mr. T.’s endearments are going to be declined, with thanks. There are limits to the privileges of the elect, even in heaven. Why, if Adam was to show himself to every new comer that wants to call and gaze at him and strike him for his autograph, he would never have time to do anything else but just that. Talmage has said he is going to give Adam some of his attentions, as well as A., I. and J. But he will have to change his mind about that."

    “Like as not. Of course they [the Patriarchs] are pretty exclusive. They hardly ever show themselves to the common public. I believe they never turn out except for an eleventh-hour convert. They wouldn’t do it then, only earthly tradition makes a grand show pretty necessary on that kind of an occasion.”

    “Do they all turn out, Sandy?”

    “Who?—all the patriarchs? Oh, no—hardly ever more than a couple. You will be here fifty thousand years—maybe more—before you get a glimpse of all the patriarchs and prophets. Since I have been here, Job has been to the front once, and once Ham and Jeremiah both at the same time. But the finest thing that has happened in my day was a year or so ago; that was Charles Peace’s reception—him they called ‘the Bannercross Murderer’—an Englishman. There were four patriarchs and two prophets on the Grand Stand that time—there hasn’t been anything like it since Captain Kidd came; Abel was there—the first time in twelve hundred years. A report got around that Adam was coming; well, of course, Abel was enough to bring a crowd, all by himself, but there is nobody that can draw like Adam. It was a false report, but it got around, anyway, as I say, and it will be a long day before I see the like of it again."


  • sir82

    Love it.

    I've had the same thought - how exactly are billions of "resurrected ones" in the JW version of paradise going to get around to visit Noah, Abraham, etc. as the magazines depict? - but this is far more wonderfully expressed.

  • smiddy3

    Can you just imagine this after just a couple of years ? They would saying "Jesus will you just piss off and leave me alone" ?

  • Vidiot

    I remember the quintessential question JW kids would typically get asked after a particular study that touched on the Flood... "What do you want to do in the New System?"

    Of course, they would all dutifully answer that they'd want to go meet Noah and ask him about his experiences.

    By my early thirties, I'd grown a fairly wide cynical streak, and it must have shown on my face, because the conductor singled me out (an adult who hadn't raised his hand, I might add), and asked me how I'd feel about meeting Noah.

    I was a little annoyed at being put on the spot like that, so I told the group how I honestly felt in a way that I'd hoped would put the matter to bed...

    "I'd leave him alone..."

    (shocked expressions all around, obviously)

    "... well, think about it. Who'd want thousands of strangers constantly coming up and asking, 'what was it like?', 'what was it like?', 'what was it like?', every day, over and over and over???...

    ...I'd leave the man live his life in peace and quiet; he's earned it."

    To his credit, the conductor smiled, and I never got "counselled" for not giving the expected canned answer.

  • Etude

    Oh, it seems very easy to me. Firstly, there's no time constraint. After all, they have all eternity ahead of them to do it. No sense of time to finish. Then, there's the matter of food. You don't eat in heaven, for God's sake! You're sustained by the "glory of God." No chicken nuggets or strawberry shakes necessary there, even if that would be heaven to you. The "Golden Arches" will probably not make an appearance in heaven. Which means, there are no tacos in heaven. Also, there's no sweating in heaven. C'mon. God doesn't want an armpit in heaven who offends anybody. I mean, it's HEAVEN! You don't have to stop and take a shit or piss between hugs. Those are things of the flesh no longer a part of heaven. The question is: after you've done it and hugged everyone you wanted, what do you do next? Beats the crap out of me.

  • steve2

    I'm not sure I'd want to meet Noah. I'm not that interested in meeting anyone who preaches for over 120 years and manages to save no-one except his own flesh and blood. What would his publisher card look like? Where's the thrilling growth in numbers? It would also be hard for me to stomach meeting a man who could rest in his faith after knowing a globe full of children, including babies, were drowned and/or killed by the tsunami avalanches that would be engulfing the earth. What could I learn from such a man that I could not learn from some hardened criminal's psychopathy?

  • zophar

    Good point Steve2. And, he was told, build an ark for you, your wife your sons and your sons wives. So what was the purpose of preaching if God already knew no one would get on the ark?

    A man like that has a lot of time to think about how he used his life! Don’t need me hugging on him.

  • deegee


    Maybe there will be a big screen TV just like at a sporting event so that we will all be able to see the Patriarchs, Moses, Adam, Abel etc. for miles and miles all around and at a distance.

  • deegee
    "... well, think about it. Who'd want thousands of strangers constantly coming up and asking, 'what was it like?', 'what was it like?', 'what was it like?', every day, over and over and over???...Vidiot

    That's a no-brainer, Noah will just make a recording for playback. LOL

  • stillin

    We had a CO once who asked the congregation what they wanted to do in the NS. There was the usual

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