Loving a JW

by stevilla 16 Replies latest social relationships

stevilla

Hello everyone,
Here’s a little back story. I met this JW girl 4 months ago online and found out she was a jw 2 months later after confessing my liking for her. We had a long conversation about it with her explaining what exactly a jw is and the rules and what not. I wasn’t too familiar with any of it but I was willing to work with her and deal with what’s to come. She admitted that the jw life wasn’t for her and she has been contemplating leaving the cult for a few years now. Her biggest problem with that is leaving her whole family and being shunned by them.
From those 2 months to today, we’ve had a great time (all online and through phone calls and what not). I can’t visit her and she can visit me because she’s scared of what could happen if people found out. So as of now, she is extremely overwhelmed and torn between leaving the cult and her family. She hates having to keep me as a secret and basically living 2 lives. I’ve given her tons of resources and stories of others and explained a lot of things to her in the most unselfish way. I’m not making her choose me or her family (although that’s essentially what is happening). But I want her to do what makes her more happy in the end. She wasn’t happy before I came into her life. The witness life isn’t for her. She just doesn’t want to leave her family.
Right now we’ve said all that we could. She said she needs space from everyone and everything to figure out what she wants and that’s what I’m doing. Giving her space. Besides space, is there anything else I could do or should do or should have done differently? We fell for each other and I don’t want to lose her when I know deep in her heart that she wants to leave the cult. I don’t know what to do.
punkofnice

Good morning from Blighty to you stevilla.
I met this JW girl
Alarm bells.
From those 2 months to today, we’ve had a great time (all online and through phone calls and what not). I can’t visit her and she can visit me because she’s scared of what could happen if people found out.
You are as good as dumped, mate. I guess you are just teenagers, right? You sound like it, if you don't mind me saying, my good fellow.
So as of now, she is extremely overwhelmed and torn between leaving the cult and her family. She hates having to keep me as a secret and basically living 2 lives.
Yep. If you ever mean enough to her for her to abandon the cult, I'll eat my hat.
I’ve given her tons of resources and stories of others and explained a lot of things to her in the most unselfish way.
Most JWs have an impenetrable force field against reason and logic (like most religious people do). Give it up. She's not worth your time.
But I want her to do what makes her more happy in the end. She wasn’t happy before I came into her life. The witness life isn’t for her. She just doesn’t want to leave her family.
Like I said. You won't be worth the aggro to her. She'll chose the cult over you, I wager a ship load of shirt buttons on it.
Besides space, is there anything else I could do or should do or should have done differently?
No. This 'giving space' crap is a load of bollards. If you really have fallen for each other, you won't need space, ever. This is going to end in a way you don't want it to.
We fell for each other
Evidently not enough or you wouldn't be here.
and I don’t want to lose her when I know deep in her heart that she wants to leave the cult.
My 2 penneth, the cult will win. She'll go back into culty dilly daydream land saying, 'I beat the temptation of a worldy™ boyfriend. Praise the Governing Body'. Look how special I am because of it.'
I don’t know what to do.
Nothing you can do, mate.
Mind you, I don't know either of you and it looks like you never met. On the bright side she might be a 20 stone hairy trucker from Texas posing as a Jobot female.
She might be a troll, you might be a troll, I might be a troll. Nothing is certain apart from death and cult mind control.
scratchme1010

Giving her space. Besides space, is there anything else I could do or should do or should have done differently? We fell for each other and I don’t want to lose her when I know deep in her heart that she wants to leave the cult. I don’t know what to do.
Hello, and welcome to the forum.
The very first thing that came to my mind is never neglect universal Internet socialization precautions, no matter who you meet. 2 months is still a very short time to expect drastic decisions to be made from either of you.
As for her leaving, it is on her, and it's only her decision. I was in the process of leaving myself when I met my now ex. He was of great support (support I didn't know I needed). So I'd suggest to go at her pace, don't pressure her and let things happen. Meanwhile, get to know her better.
freddo

And thank you to "Punk - Flying Mallet - ofnice" for your input!
Sadly, much of what Punky says is true.
Now stevilla ...
A few questions so we can help a little more and not shoot from the hip.
How old are you both. Is she baptised. What is her family background?
Thank you and welcome!
moreconfusedthanever

There are a few questions that would impact on any advice we could give?
The main one being - Is she baptised?
The other thing that is concerning is that you met online. People can be anything on line. I would be wary.
stevilla

Punkofnice - I appreciate your honesty and bluntness. Were not teenagers and we've seen each other have had plenty of video calls. I knew what I was getting myself into and I only did it because she said she doesn't want to live the jw life. She doesn't believe in it at all. It's losing her family that is the problem.
So I'd suggest to go at her pace, don't pressure her and let things happen. Meanwhile, get to know her better.
Thank you for responding. I definitely will do that.
How old are you both. Is she baptised. What is her family background?
She's 22 and I'm 25. She was baptized around 12 years old. She has 2 sisters and 2 brothers and her mom that are in the cult. The father is in jail because he abused them, molested her sister and was an alcoholic. Her mom lost everything and couldn't take care of them all until a jw showed up at her door one day. Ever since then, they helped her mom out. Everyone outside of her mom and siblings are not jws.
I really appreciate the responses. Maybe things moved way too fast for her. With the whole online thing, it's only online because shes afraid of someone finding out about me without her being sure of what to do. I've seen her and facetimed her a lot. I know exactly how she is and I basically know everything about her.
freddo

Okay ...
Don't pressure her. Stay on here and learn how to "leave jw's" try jwfacts website and you will see the option to "fade". To do this successfully takes years.
This is the only chance to get away from jw's with any hope of her having contact with her family. And this depends upon their following of the rules - and sadly if one decides to disobey the rules then the others may well obey them fully. A lottery indeed.
However if you do normal things that young couples do (and are caught or your g/f has a guilty conscience and confesses) - as in have a sexual relationship when not married - including sexual expressions of affection such as handjobs etc. then she will be disfellowshipped.
If you meet up and do not have a sexual relationship - such as going on vacation together unchaperoned even with separate rooms then the elders (if they find out) will convene a judicial committee and likely disfellowship her for "brazen" conduct.
If you marry without having been caught for any of the above she will be "marked" as bad association and "not quite shunned" at least until you marry and then a bit afterwards.
So if after reading the above you are in for the long haul - you have a chance.
Take it slow - try to meet up clandestinely and get to know one another properly - the next stage would be to make plans. Consult here often.
Have you got the patience for this? Is it really worth the effort and investment? Only you can decide.
It is a minefield!
punkofnice

stevy - You are still both younger than my kids. I'm quite an old geezer and I've seen it all.
it's only online because shes afraid of someone finding out about me without her
Well, that's not good. How long can you keep that up before it all dies inside you?....because it will. That's life, an irascible truism.
The father is in jail because he abused them, molested her sister and was an alcoholic.
I'm sorry to hear this. This kind of treatment more than likely damages people inside making relationships difficult.
I bet you a fiver (that's £5.00 UK stirling), this ain't gonna last.
Sorry to be brutal but you'll thank me in the end.
nonjwspouse

I am married to a non-baptized JW who left as a older teen and was physically out for around 30 years. His parents raised him as a JW and his father an elder. ( His father left shortly after he did, walked away from being an elder, out the door and never went back. His mother still in, her side of the family in, and his unmarried brother was recently baptized after being out for about as long as my husban. ) Now, my husband was physically out, not even attending Memorials which is HUGE for any JW. So when we met and got married, and he said he had no interest in going back to the KH, I felt " unfortunately" safe that he was telling the truth and he had done his research. BIG mistake. He was still mentally "in".
Now we have been married for 14 years have a 13 year old daughter in Catholic School. six years ago he had a "change of heart" and felt the need to study and get on the path to baptism.
This has been, well, hell. I do not wish this type of behavior " personality" change or pressure, or stonewalling, etc. on ANYONE. He and I have been in counseling for about five years now. If we were not, the marriage would have not lasted.
The mindset of a JW is not something that just goes away. It is pervasive, even subconsciously. I hope she is doing her research and slowly breaking free of the mind control that holds her. She will have to be ok with not being a part of her JW family or have her JW friends. It is SO difficult, and the desire to rejoin can come back many, many years later unless she has truly broken free in her mind. I am not sure how to know when someone has broken free in their mind.
Good luck to you. i hope things work out as you want them to.I also hope you become super informed, keeping up the research for literally years. It took me that long, and I am still learning about the ways of the mind control, reasons behind some of my husband's behaviors. Loving a JW is not for the weak hearted, or weak minded.
It takes a LOT of work. But if you are willing, and she is willing, the one most important thing to make a deal breaker is about children. The children must not be exposed to the JW, as in teaching them, or taking them to the KH. This should be in writing before marriage, and you could include Scientology, etc., if you want.
Londo111

You have not met in person yet?
If not, it may not be wise to invest that much emotionally at this point. Romantic feelings can be built up with mostly online interactions, but when things transition into the real world, the bubble bursts.

Loving a JW

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