Out of the Loop

by Descender 13 Replies latest jw friends

  • Descender
    Descender

    I'm here for an attitude adjustment I guess. I'm 28 years old and I'm out of the loop. Doesn't seem very old does it? I don't think so anyway. I was a witness up until a few years ago when my wife and I faded away. I had been disfellowshipped and reinstated twice in my stint though.

    I've always gone through life with a muddled mind. I mean that I can't keep my focus, and almost all my thoughts seem to be shrouded by a grey fog. I forget some things easily, but other things I can remember forever as if it just happened. I used to be very artistic when I was young, but I had the problem of never finishing my pictures or my stories and when I played the piano, I'd become interested in another song and never get around to completely learning the one before. I fidgit a lot, whistle, and I don't pay attention very well when people speak to me. My mom was worried about all this and about 12 years ago she took me to a pychologist who diagnosed me with ADHD and prescribed me a certain drug for that condition.

    My father didn't really even believe that ADHD existed and just chalked it up that I was disorganized and lazy. But I must say, when I did take that drug, my mind shot into hyper focus. Maybe that's the way normal people think, but it was a new experience for me. I remember the first day that I took the drug, my grandma asked if I would mind helping her dig a fish pond in her back yard. I could think of nothing else other than digging the fish pond while I was doing it, I was quick and precise in my digging and I remember being so happy that I was actually accomplishing something with no one else helping me. But after the effects of the pills would wear off, I'd fall into a depressed state and sometimes start crying for no reason at all. I stopped taking those pills about a month after I got them and never used them again.

    My life since then has been a series of trials and errors. I started and dropped out of college twice before finally getting on through. I suffered from depression a few times during this time and considered suicide because I had started seeing a girl and doing things that weren't in agreement with what I'd been taught was right at the Kingdum hall my whole life. This all lead to me being disfellowshipped my first time.

    Anyway, I'm getting off topic a bit. I've graduated college with a degree that I didn't have much love for and got a job that falls far from the happy tree. I've always had a goal that I was shooting for, at first that goal was to get through armagedon, that never transpired, so I started to make small goals to get to such as finishing college, work out and get to a certain weight, getting married, or a trip. Those goals always seemed to drive me, but as of late, I've lost any drive that I used to have. My drive and ambition left and through this dark fog in my mind, I can't seem to find them. I have a hard time thinking positive thoughts as of late, my job at first didn't seem dead end, but I've worked at it for 2 years now (it is a job that I needed a degree for) and my boss seems perfectly happy keeping me where I am, being the fact I'm the only one in my current position.

    The above is depressing, but something else that is weighing heavier is my wife's attitude about it all. She says that my depression makes her not want to be around me. She's very attractive, and as of late, she has been going out without me with her friends and going clubbing, dancing with guys, drinking and having a good time. She tells me about it all, guys trying to kiss her and grind with her on the dance floor. She says that she doesn't let them and shrugs them off. Recently she went to Las Vegas with some of her family and frequented quite a few clubs, got drunk, and stayed out till early in the morning.

    For the life of her, she cannot understand how this would bother me. I don't mind going out with her to clubs and while I'm there she can dance with other guys if she wants. But she says that she doesn't like me going with her because I don't give her enough attention when I'm at a club with her. I don't have any friends and I said I wouldn't mind coming with her to a coffee house or bar and meet her friends, but she told me that I just wouldn't fit in with them because her friends are all around 21 (she's 23) and I'm old and geezerly at 28. I asked her if she would mind if I went out with friends (if I had any) to clubs and danced with other girls. She said it wouldn't bother her at all and if I wanted to, I could go to a strip club as well. She told me that basically I had old fashioned witness morals that were hindering me.

    I will agree that I do have deep seated fears that I have left over from the witnesses that I'm trying to overcome, but she thinks that every other man in the world would be ok with with his wife going out, drinking, and dancing with other guys when he's not around. It just seems to make me more depressed. Am I actually out of the loop and shouldn't be bothered by this, would it bother people on this board or not?

  • stillajwexelder
    stillajwexelder

    Well I may be insecure or something , but to be truthful it would piss me off it my lady/girlfriend/wife whatever wanted to go to clubs and dance with other men - dancing IMHO is a form of foreplay and can lead to other things

  • seeitallclearlynow
    seeitallclearlynow

    Dear Descender,

    You didn't mention why you stopped taking the drugs or how your wife felt about you when you were taking them. I really believe that some people's brain chemistry needs the "adjustment" from the drugs prescribed. You only seem depressed when not on the drugs. So why live depressed?

    My brother refuses to believe in any of the diagnoses or the suggested forms of treatment from the various professionals he has been to in the last 20 years, yet he has paid vast amounts of money for their insights; this frustrates me and makes me sad - he is a very unhappy person. But won't take the drugs. He just lost his wife and stepdaughter, and still believes he can "beat it on his own." Since he was very young, he has been so intense and so hyperactive that many people can't deal with him. The other side of the illness is that he gets so deeply depressed that at times he can barely get out of bed, and contemplates suicide. I would take drugs any day to avoid this kind of life. My daughter has the same symptoms, but not as extreme. She put on 20 pounds on the meds, so won't take them anymore, and now believes that if she continually "cleanses" internally, she doesn't need "harmful" drugs. She might be right, but she cleanses a lot.

    ((( Lady Lee - calling Lady Lee - kisses )))

  • undercover
    undercover

    On your wife's behavior:

    Your wife's actions are not quite acceptable in a good marriage. A married woman that occasionally has a "girls night out" is one thing, but to regularly go "clubbing" without you is sign of something more. If you didn't mind her going out without you all the time, that's one thing, but if she knows it bothers you, she should limit her nights out. If she wants to go clubbing, then maybe it should be as a couple or as a couple with other friends most of the time. If she doesn't want you going with her, I would have to think she actually wants attention from people that wouldn't give it to her if you were there. She may resent any issues that you may be having and is looking for a way to forget them. If that's the case, it will take both of you to come to grips with both your and her issues and resolve them. All I can say is your being upset at her excessiveness in this area is normal and that both of you need to communicate about it.

  • Descender
    Descender

    I stopped taking the drugs before I ever met my wife because I felt the bad outweighed the good effects. Although they made me feel focused and I could get more accomplished when I took them, when I came down off my hyperfocus high, the world would start to crash down around me and everything seemed bleak and dreary, I would feel depressed and cry for no reason at all.

    The only sure way for me to get out of my funk was to take more pills and as time went by I gained an immunity to them, whereas I could take one and felt wonderfull at the beginning, the next week I needed to take 2 to get the same effect, 3 pills two weeks later. I figure it wouldn't have been to long before they hardly had any effect on me at all.

    I am currently looking into other options. I'm sure there is a new solution for ADD that doesn't have bad side effects. I was thinking of Strattera, but I heard that the side effects are pretty bad.

  • Dawn
    Dawn

    Hi Descender:

    My son also has ADHD - it's tough but hang in there, I believe you will find the right treatment for you if you don't give up.

    As for your wife - here's my point of view. A few years back I would go out with my girlfriends at least once a week without my hubby. I wasn't interested in looking for anyone else, it's just that hubby and I weren't getting along so well - and he wasn't fun to be around. It bothered him a lot - but I didn't want to do things with him either. Hubby and I worked things out and now I rarely go out to a bar without him. It could be that your wife is using the "girls night out" as an escape because she's having a hard time dealing with your depression.

    I would recommend that you: (1) Follow up on getting treatment for your ADHD, and (2) plan nights to go out with your wife as a couple in addition to her "girls nights out" - she might be more willing to go out with you if she doesn't feel threatened that you'll take away her other "escape" - and she might also find that she has fun with you when you guys are out.

  • Sentinel
    Sentinel

    Either your wife wants to be with you or she doesn't. Sounds to me like she finds every excuse not to have you meet or associate with her friends. I would have to wonder why? Why are her adventures separate and apart from you? What is she thinking? Where are her priorites? Is she interesting in improving her relationship with you, or is she tired of being married?

    If I was doing the things she is doing right now, I'd be kicked out on my but. People get married to be in a relationship with someone they love. Having friends is one thing, but clubbing, hot dancing, drinking--without you shows her immaturity. These are places where people go to hook up and she's already got you. What is her problem? I'd have a serious talk with her about where she is really coming from, and be prepared to face some harsh realities.

    You certainly aren't "old" at 28. You are just maturing and you aren't interested in the party or club scene. There is nothing wrong with how you feel. I was thinking that even if my hubby and I were to go to one of those clubs together, and we bumped and rubbed our body parts with people of the opposite sex, what message are we sending out to each other and to anyone else? Don't drop to her level. She needs to grow up.

    /<

  • amac
    amac

    Descender - You are NOT out of the loop, there is more going on here than you just being old fashioned. A couple good theories already pointed out. You might want to think about visiting a marriage counseler.

  • Makena1
    Makena1

    descender - You write very well (not that you were asking to be graded on that!). Best wishes for finding different meds, diet, exercise for a better life.

    Unfortunately, in my opinion, it looks like that better life might be without your current wife. Her behavior in my opinion, is totally unacceptable - old JW's or "wordly" standards. I am guessing that perhaps you got married young (early 20's??) and she feels she has missed out on a lot of "fun." Sounds like she is looking for a way out of the marriage. Again, all my opinion, but most women respect a man who has standards, stands up for himself, and sets some boundaries for acceptable behavior. Put a stop to this ASAP if you don't want the situation to get further out of control.

    Insist on some counseling, and find common interests that brings you back together. In the meantime, hire somebody to follow her - tap the phone, install spyware on the computer, and if she is "unrepentant" dump the lady after finding a good attorney.

    Hope it dosen't come to any of the above, but its always good to be prepared!

    Mak

  • Purple
    Purple

    Heheh from an "x" wives perspective who did what your wife is doing:

    I could not stand being near my x before we broke up. It was due to his deteriorating mental health and not wanting to help himeself, and then the domestic violence and abuse on his part. The worse part was he thought it was acceptable and justifiable (not saying this is similar to your situation or that this is even happening in your situation).

    SOmetimes when you get married it isnt what you thought it would be and you try to cut your partner out of your "real" life and yet not leave entirely but stay so everything looks right. I did that for the last 10 years of 18 years of marriage.

    The truth was the less my life became about him, the more agitated and upset he became. In the end the place we shared was just somewher to come home and sleep, shower and change. It is no way to live and is not infact a life at all, for you or her. It sounds like she cant deal with your health problems.

    You mentioned ADHD I think and you have gone off your tablets? Hun go back on them and try to see things clearly. It might be that you need to clear and settle your mind so you can think clearly and really look at what is happening. Dont just concentrate on what she is doing to you but look at what you as a couple are doing, what you want out of life and so on. If the relationship is not working...well it takes two to make a relationship both giving and taking, not just one giving and the other taking. Is it possible she is reacting to what is happening to you and your confusion etc?

    She may love the attention that you cant give her or something, who knows? Maybe she just doenst want someone to cling to her and try to live out life through her. From what you described it sounds like that is happening. It wont work. Talk to her and try to do everything you can to sort it out before its to late. I can tell you as the one who left, it aint easy even if you are the one that walks out. Life is just so darn hard sometimes at least try to work things out before you make decscions.

    Then again if you have tried and she doesnt want to, then at least you know you have done everything in your power to make the relationship work. Lets face it, a erlationship is never going to be easy or perfect and even the best ones take a lot of work. Its when we stop working to make it work that the problems really start. Talk, talk, and then talk till she listens...and listen whilst she talks, I mean really listen, dont just assume you know what she is going to say like most of us do and above all dont yell or shout but just talk!

    Dont accuse, dont suspect, it could be true that she does just shrug it all off and whilst is flattered by it may be wishing she got this type of attention from you. I know thats how I was feeling when going through similar things. It was stranger before me but all I saw was my husband and fantasized it was him in my mind. I never did more than dance cause I was faithful till the end and you have no evidence to the contrary that your wife has not been faithful.. We all do lots of things to escape reality, friends and dancing could be her way of coping with a relationship that she doenst seem to be taking part in much.

    Sorry I dont mean to offend or cause offense but you did ask.....

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