Non Jw and Jw can the relationship last?

by Dayshdeess 27 Replies latest social relationships

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  Dayshdeess

  I have recentley fallen for a very nice female, I myself am a complete non believer/agnostic, my partner of five months is a recent convert to the witnesses since February of 2003, previous to that she was a practising christian.

  She's in her early twenties and I am 31, age we dont have a problem with and to be honest and soppy we truly love each other, her family have disowned her because of what she believes, my family have their doubts but again thats not a problem, I value my familys opinions who have already voiced their doubts, but I would like to make this work, albeit for her beliefs.

  I feel she has been shown this way, firstly by her best friend who was born into it and has recentley been disfellowshipped for falling for a non Jw, and also by things which have happened to her in her short life. I knew after the first month that she was a Jw, but she kept telling not to worry, as it wouldnt affect our future. It didnt at the time, Could I have been more wrong. She has not been baptised therefore I foolisly thought maybe she was just going through a phase and her mind would change.

  I was completley ignorant to what this religion was about untill I started to read up on this forum, and to be honest it freaks me out and does not make my future look very rosey with her.

  The blood thing I found absurd, straight away always have, I made all the standard jokes about door knocking and inviting them in, it bothered her but not excessiveley and the novelty soon wore off, I make a point of trying to steer clear of religion at all costs, she talks about meetings to her friend and I switch off or vacate the room swiftly.

  We have got to the moving in together stage, however she know tells me that she wont move in untill I marry her first, 6-12 months time I dont have a problem with, I would rather live with her first and find out all her bad habits, than get sucked in. I really cant seem to have a sound conversation with her about simple things, sounds silly but its as if she looks down on me, like as if because she has seen the light so to speak and she feels better than non Jws. Is this the norm?

  Because her friend was recentley disfellowshipped, her friend is getting married to a non Jw in like six weeks so she can be welcomed back by her family, however after reading some of the posts on this board then even there relationship seems doomed. I know they say love is blind but it seems a very three way affair, my love for her, her love for jehovah and then me. I dont want her to change but is it really as bad and strict as Im reading it.

  My partner was going to the meetings up untill the time she started seeing me, then she felt as she was sinning she could not go untill we marry, however last week she started to attend again, despite my objections and having sex before marriage and seeing me. Talk about being a hyprocrite she stated she would not attend again untill we got married, could she be losing her path from this ?

  A joint savings account for our wedding was set up a few weeks ago and an engagement ring was bought a few weeks but now despite the fact that I love her, I really dont fancy the prospect of my future of having my front room filled with members talking shop, my kids being pushed into this belief, and just her looking down on me and the fact that she may try to convert me in the future. She has already asked if I would like to attend a meeting just to see what went on and to stop me from being so cynical about it, to which I politeley replied in the best phrase I could think of go away and no..

  Should I just start running now

  Any advice would be appreciated.

  Thanks in advance
• 

  jgnat

  My marriage to a JW is working so far, but it is a LOT OF WORK keeping the WTS from becoming a wedge between us. I think it can only work if there is a great deal of patience, respect, and give-and-take with both parties. You also have to agree to work together on issues, rather than allow outsiders to involve themselves in your decisions.

  Make no mistake about it, your fiancee will be under discipline if she marries you. She is a fairly recent convert. I don't wonder if a little bit of exposure to some alternative thinking might pull her out before it is too late.

  Here is a thread I started on "Boy Meets Worldly Girl" a regular phenomenon (it also happens in reverse JW girl meets worldly boy). Does your GF fit any of the profiles described there?

  Another thread to get you started, Everything you wanted to know but were afraid to ask. Check out the link, I am In Love With a Jehovah's Witness!
• 

  Mysterious

  I really cant seem to have a sound conversation with her about simple things, sounds silly but its as if she looks down on me, like as if because she has seen the light so to speak and she feels better than non Jws. Is this the norm?

  JWs believe they have the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth as far as religion is concerned. You will not convince her otherwise while she remains a JW.

  I know they say love is blind but it seems a very three way affair, my love for her, her love for jehovah and then me. I dont want her to change but is it really as bad and strict as Im reading it.

  You will always come after Jehovah in her life, always. That is what they are taught and that is what they adher to. If it ever comes to a conflict between the two..

  My partner was going to the meetings up untill the time she started seeing me, then she felt as she was sinning she could not go untill we marry, however last week she started to attend again, despite my objections and having sex before marriage and seeing me. Talk about being a hyprocrite she stated she would not attend again untill we got married, could she be losing her path from this ?

  Not attending meetings is a guilt thing for JWs. A lot of pressure is put on you to be there for either one. Though from what you said she could face counsel or disciplinary action from the congregation.

  A joint savings account for our wedding was set up a few weeks ago and an engagement ring was bought a few weeks but now despite the fact that I love her, I really dont fancy the prospect of my future of having my front room filled with members talking shop, my kids being pushed into this belief, and just her looking down on me and the fact that she may try to convert me in the future. She has already asked if I would like to attend a meeting just to see what went on and to stop me from being so cynical about it, to which I politeley replied in the best phrase I could think of go away and no..

  Do not let her drag you into this. No woman is worth being sucked into a religion, a cult really, that will suck your life away from you. If she raises your kids to be JWs make sure they DO NOT get baptised until they are old enough to understand how hard it is to "get out". While a JW kid at 14 may be able to convince you they know what they are getting into, they DON'T. I see it as being difficult to have a postive relationship where she is already looking down on you. The only way I've seen the JW/nonJW relationship work is where religion is not discussed in the house.
• 

  marriedtodamob

  oops! Double post-sorry! Please read below...

  (Hey! I made Junior member today...but I still double post...)
• 

  marriedtodamob

  Welcome days!!!

  Oh boy...just WHERE do I begin? See my name over in the left hand corner? Very self explanatory. Is it really all THAT bad? That is exactly what I asked. YES for me it is. Just ask my 10 yr old son who spent most of the weekend crying off and on over his JW step-dad's utter and COMPLETE "Non-participation" in putting up the tree, his birthday and mine not being acknowledged, etc. ad nauseum. Did I have a CLUE when I married him? NO. He was born one, but had been diassimulated disassociated for almost 10yrs-safe right? WRONG! He had to go back and be reassimulated reinstated, which is almost completed. Please read my posts and topics listings under my profile and feel free to PM me. We should talk dear boy...but for now my best advice to add to the excellent posts already given is:

  RUN DO NOT WALK!!!

  married to da Borg Mob,

  mobbie
• 

  Maverick

  Think of it the same as you would a crack addict. Even if they are clean and drug free when you marry them if any of their old friends come around these friends might tempt them to take a hit!

  Yours is a full blowed addict! Think about what you are in for!

  As an ex WTS borg drone, I know the only may to stay clean is to be sooo bad that they wouldn't let me back in even if I wanted to! Maverick...as bad as he can be, and working to perfect!
• 

  68storm

  RUN LIKE HELL!! and don't you dare look back! Not for all the tea in China, all the oil in the middle east, all of the money Sudam had!

  I have to go now. I will try and elaborate on the above later.

  68storm
• 

  RAYZORBLADE

  she feels better than non Jws. Is this the norm?

  Sad to say, for the most part, that this is true.

  When I was a JW, I used to feel similarly. I believe a few of us on here, who can retrospectively conjure up previous JW mindsets, would agree.

  68storm: when he comes back here to post, trust me, you'll be glad he did. He'll have a story for you.

  It's great that you are looking through this forum; hopefully others as well.

  It's either her way, or the highway, if you know what I mean. If there was any particular way you could discuss some interesting items related to JW teachings and some of their previous kaffuffles, who knows, she may start to have those lovely 'doubts'.

  In my opinion, things aren't going to get any better for you with her. I could be wrong, but many of us have either experienced it personally, or have observed it many times, the perils of being a non-believer hooked up with a believer.

  In her mind: you're going to be destroyed at Armageddon, she isn't. Self righteous? You bet.

  Best of luck mate, I hope you can find some resolve through all this.

  Enjoy your life, not seek to make it enjoyable for someone else at your expense.

  Best wishes.
• 

  asleif_dufansdottir

  but is it really as bad and strict as Im reading it.

  YES

  Actually, it's worse.

  It's worse than reading it because just by reading about it you can't imagine how awful it is to see the person you love turning into a completely different person and turning against you just because you don't follow the same religion.

  I had been married about 5 or 6 years when my husband became interested in the JWs. The next about 5 years were absolute hell, even when I gave up fighting and joined myself. We've been out about 10 years now.

  I've said this before, but I'll repeat it:

  I love my husband but if he walked up to me today and said he was going back, I'd leave him right now. No discussion. There is no way I'd put myself through that again. Not even on the chance he'd eventually leave the JWs again.

  That's how bad it is.

  Do NOT marry this woman under these circumstances...

  Edited to add:

  What on earth are you thinking of marrying someone you've only known 5 months for anyway?? Good lord, that's hardly enough time to decide on a life partner! (having this opinion, by the way, makes me a total hypocrit...by the time we'd known each other 5 months we'd been married a few weeks...but I'm older and wiser now and I don't recommend that...scares me to even think I did it )
• 

  Dayshdeess

  Thanks for the quick replies.

  'jgnat' those links are so true, yes unfortunateley she does fit the profile mentioned, however she has already said that there will be no discipline from her congregation/counsel for marrying a non JW, which I kind of find hard to believe after reading this forum.

  There is patience in our relationship, but even so it seems very much her way or no way, 'I will not and can not change her' as she has clearly told me, she believes what she has been told by fellow JWs.

  Also weve not got round to the outsiders part, never thought that would happen before now, will she be under that much pressure to follow their way?

  'Mysterious' does not sound very promising does it, the symptoms fit exactly, she knows the truth and nothing i can say will change that. Im starting to think Is it worth coming second best in the relationship. She is definetley suffering from the guilt trip, that much I can be sure of. One point she has agreed to defer on, is if and when children come into the equation then no baptism will go ahead untill they are old enough to now their own mind, however the way i see it is, they have already been taught that way therefore its up to them, i certainly wont disown my children like her parents have.

  She has agreed not to talk shop on purpose, however Im thinking only time will tell, she gets very much into her Southpark 'Cartman' mode when talking about it now.."wespect my authoratty"

  'Marriedtodamob' Thanks, Cant be that bad can it? I will read deeper into your posts and topics and may start walking now...

  'Maverick' I think I can lead her from the path with persuassion, well Im hoping I can.

  '68' I may start running soon.

  Ive already discussed with her, about them really being her true friends, when there quite happy to shun her in the street for her association to disfellowed JW, she turns round and tells me that its there religion thats stopping them acknowledgeing her, not the people themselves..Im like what!!! there not true friends, only by association in the K Hall, but she doesnt see that.